OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

16th of July 2023 entry.

📝16/07/2023.

Comparison was my biggest trigger.

Since my Ed started, I grew a habit I've never developed before. I started focusing on something I never cared of before. I grew a habit of comparing what others are eating around me. Is it less? Is it more? Very rarely, I would also compare if they worked out more than me, or moved more than me. 

I would be so demotivated if no one was eating around me. Why? I felt eating was such a bad thing and seeing others would confirm that dumb thought to me.   I envied how I would have to eat due to my recovery but others had the freedom to skip meals or not eat. I liked having control.  If others weren't eating I'd also feel like I can't eat and I'd feel greedy if I did. Honestly, reflecting this is odd and silly as I have now learnt everyone has their own needs. The people that were not eating around me were not in starvation like I was, they didn't loose their period; they're healthier. However, at this moment on the 16th of July, comparison killed me, these justifications didn't come to my mind therefore, I felt so horrible.

At the start of this day, I woke up in a good motivated mood. I told myself to fully commit to my meal plan today and I tried to motivate myself to eat even if I never had a appetite nor enjoy eating.  

I ate according to my meal plan this day and it felt like a lot for me. I was surprised how It felt like too much as it still wasn't even close to the recommended daily calorie requirements. It made sense though as I ate too little before and forgot what normal eating was like. I was confused how to portion and when I thought my plate was massive others would thing it's so miniature. 

Linking back,  on the 16th of July, after fully committing to my meal plan CAMHS provided me with,  I had come to the realization that I had been eating less the previous days; I had not been obedient to my meal plan the days before. I had this meal plan for a bit more than a week I think and clocked I had not been doing it as It felt like I ate way more this day and I had the same meal plan- nothing changed.

I had been such little calories and I remember CAMHS warning me to never go under the meal plan calorie intake but if anything over. I had a bit of disappointment towards myself for not being obedient to the meal plan prescribed to me. It was because I still feared food and forgot to remind myself that eating the meal plan is like a prescribed medicine to heal a sickness. However, if anything I was more scared knowing I was going to be weighed soon and the scale would act as a snitch exposing how I didn't follow the meal plan the days before.

I struggled so much doing the meal plan as I felt it was too much volume for me to handle and I suffered with a bad feeling of fullness that I despised. My fullness was way more than the previous days which also supported the idea of me not doing the meal plan properly days before.

Even though I did the meal plan properly, which I avoided doing before as I feared the unknown, I didn't feel any guilt. The phrase 'don't knock it till you try it', is a wise phrase as when I 'tried it' I was proved wrong. I feared I would feel guilty if I did the meal plan or if I'd automatically gain a lot of weight. However, after eating it, I still looked the same and I didn't feel guilt. Yes, I felt full, but the feeling EVENTUALLY passed after a couple of hours. I knew, the more I push through and deal with fullness, the more my stomach will adjust to it and not feel as uncomfortable.  What also helped me not feel guilty was the fact I actually enjoyed the food. Why feel guilty doing something that is healthy, needed and good. I knew I was in recovery and needed to do this and It made me feel assured therefore not guilty.

However, remember how I mention comparison in the beginning? Yeah.

My emotions went very downhill after I texted my friend, who I became friends with after diagnosed with anorexia as she hinted I had it because she has it as well. I told her all my accomplishments today and how I didn't feel guilty and she told me how she ate a lot too- this made me feel even more good. However, she then mentioned she felt guilty- which is reasonable-  but she went ahead and said she burnt all her calories and had a big workout.

I felt so guilty. I wasn't allowed to workout. Nor was I allowed to walk or do any sort of physical activity. I envied how she had the freedom even thought she had a ED too. I seemed to forget she's a healthy weight though and I'm underweight as well as her not attending CAMHS anymore. At this moment my envy turned to guilt. My brain was telling me I was greedy and gross for not burning everything I just ate like my friend. I started comparing what she did and how I haven't done it. I just felt horrible.

 I ended up feeling too guilty and started to shed tears. My brain was being so rude to me and wouldn't leave me alone. By brain was become my biggest bully. I was becoming my biggest bully. Comparison made me hate myself. I no longer wanted to recover. I wanted to relapse.

Why?

Read the first paragraph again.