OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

23rd of May 2024 entry.

📝23/05/2024.

An experience that one puts of or avoids to to the foundation of fear, often proves to be less intimidating than initially anticipated when encountering it. In order to reach that conclusion, it is necessary for a person to be open to confront and engage with the situation.

Why do I say this? I will explain.

I had a remarkable experience at lunch. For the past two years, I developed a habit of watching YouTube or something funny on my device while eating to manage my anxiety. Before I knew it, it has become an unconscious reflex to have something ready to distract me from the discomfort I felt (and still do feel) before and during meals. However, this day was different.

I had pursed my usual habit of walking outside during my lunch break to the destination of a park bench. I had laid out my phone on the table, opened YouTube and put my data on. It wasn't working. My initial reaction was panic, as I realized my data wasn't working and I felt overwhelmed. I attempted to call my dad, who was in a whole different country for a business trip, to ask him top up my data. I could not reach him. I tried and tried again to use my data with the strong belief that I could not eat my lunch without a distraction.

 Without my usual crutch, I found myself outside, facing my food without any distractions. But instead of giving in to my anxiety, I took a deep breath and decided to focus on the present moment. As I ate, I savored the taste of the nutritionist meal and appreciated the beauty around me. I even felt grateful for God's presence. 

To my surprise, I was calm and at peace, realizing that there's nothing to be scared about this whole time.

This experience was a breakthrough for me, as it showed me that I'm capable of managing my anxiety around food without relying on distractions.

I also realized for the first time in a long time, that food tasted good.

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2 days before this day, I was walking around at work and someone had randomly told me there was a scale in the building. I had no idea as I always walked past it obliviously.

For the past 2 days I had a strong desire to enter the room and weigh myself but the fear of someone catching me stopped me from doing so.

It was a hour after having that good experience at  lunch, I had not witnessed anyone enter that room therefore, I walked in it with the intention to weigh myself.

I had thought, and maybe shamefully hoped, my weight had decreased as I had been finding my way to work, doing 11k + steps a day due to my dad being in a business trip. I had barely been body checking as I knew my body dysmorphia was unreliable.

I did it.

I stepped on the scale.

As I stepped on the scale, I was met with a weight increase from 3 weeks ago that initially brought a chuckle. I didn't notice how I felt in the moment.

However, the number refused to leave my mind, plaguing me with self-doubt and anxiety.

 I couldn't shake the feeling of embarrassment and shame that had taken hold.  The weight gain was a reminder of the ED's cruel words, which had told me I was no longer worthy of food. The constant negativity began to effect how I would work. When the boss had commanded me to do something, I would not hear anything he had said as the eating disorders voice was louder than his, it also eroded my appetite. 

I began to feel emotions that were out of my control.

I had no idea why sadness, shame and fear washed all over me.

When my mum had picked me up I had masked my emotions by acting so happy. That mask fell off as soon as I entered the guest room where I sought comfort, I broke down.

I didn't want to think of all my coping skills at the moment. I didn't think of praying.

Later on, I had texted my sister about what had happened without telling her how I felt. Her instant reaction was positive. She had told me it was good I restored a bit but she reminded me that the scale is inaccurate and it may have shown a higher number due to the time of the day, my muscles, height or location. This had calmed me down the tiniest bit.

I finally turned to God's presence, seeking solace in His love. I listened to a preaching video and sang along to gospel music, feeling a sense of peace wash over me. Gods voice took over my anorexic thoughts and he had told me to get up, stop ignoring my hunger and obeying the false voices in my head. He told me I was worthy of everything he had provided for humans. I then disobeyed the eating disorder by making myself a balanced meal consisting of chicken, vegetables, and sweet potato.

My mum had texted me to tell me she had gone to work and I had not prayed for her as I usually due. I normally would wait for her to open the door when going to work to pray for a successful and peaceful trip and shift. It had become a routine but due to my negative emotions I had forgotten to. My mum texted me she sensed something is wrong so it's ok I forgot to pray for her- she said she had told dad to call me later on before bed.

The phone call with my dad brought additional comfort as he shared words of wisdom. He reminded me of my blessings and the fact that Jesus saw me as beautiful and wonderful, regardless of my appearance. He spoke about the 'root cause of my insecurity – an obsession with people's opinions – and how it's essential to focus on God's perspective rather than others'. His words helped me realize that my appearance is irrelevant, and only God's love and acceptance truly matter.

As I reflected on my life, I imagined myself old, still struggling with food and social isolation. The thought was unbearable, and it motivated me to take action. My dad reminded me that knowledge is not enough; it's about putting that knowledge into practice. He encouraged me to continue reframing my thoughts and emotions to gain greater control over them.

The conversation ended with prayer from both of us, a powerful reminder that we are not alone in our struggles.