OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

22nd of February 2024 entry.

📝22/02/2024.

My 2024 had been going good.

Throughout January going on to February, I successfully been completing the meal plan. As a result, my relationship with food began to improve. However, the momentum did not continue. This was due to laziness. I started to get tired of planning my meal plan in order for it to reach the requirement needed because I found it so hard. I would normally spend a hour trying to plan my meals for it to help me recover but as complacency creeped inside of me once again, I started not to bother. I got too comfortable. I hated how fullness would make me feel when doing the meal plan- which seemed like a lot for me- therefore, I slowly started to eat less again to reach my comfort levels. The thought of this having a negative impact never crossed my mind.

It was weird how, when I would make a mistake and hate it, I would still find myself later on returning to the habit of making the same mistake. I would always pick myself up again only to fall once more. Moreover, while repeating the mistake, I would not realize that I was falling into the same trap again.

It was also weird how I wasn't bothered to eat and felt it was a chore when previously, the young me, loved food. That love had completely gone. I felt less excited to eat- I wanted to feel that happiness again as it felt unusual to feel despair when having to eat.

It appeared that those in my surroundings were becoming more acclimated to my recovery journey, and I sensed the support I used to receive  slowly diminished. Furthermore, this affected me negatively. I seeked support due to me slowly eating less again and finding it hard to finish meals due to fullness. I needed that encouragement to remind me to keep going, to tell me to continue to push forward, to drive me to never give up, and to make sure I was sticking to my meal plan. I was getting less responsible and I craved that support I once had. I thought maybe the weight gain made everyone pull away from helping me recover, but it was important for everyone to remember that the eating disorder is a mental disorder, not a physical one. One is still valid of having a anorexia no matter what shape they are- they could still have a horrible relationship with food and struggle mentally. I was still dealing with mental struggles that resurfaced in mid-February.

By mid-February, I found myself slipping back into old habits of my eating disorder. I still felt guilty when I strayed from my limited diet of just protein and veggies. I stuck to strict food rules, avoiding dairy, sugar, and carbs, opting for low-calorie options instead. I was constantly researching "healthy" foods and seeking approval from AI on what I could eat, until even AI suggested I get help. If I ate something "bad," I'd spit it out. I ate slowly, getting full fast, and my hands would sometimes shake when I tried to eat, especially at work. The thought of eating out in public terrified me, making me only comfortable eating at home alone- I never wanted to step foot in a restaurant. I hated being watched as I ate, fearing judgment for my slow pace and shaky hands. These struggles came back in February, showing that I still needed help - In agreement to AI. In conclusion, these events are blind to a humans eye therefore, whilst people thought I was getting better due to my weight gradually increasing, they would not know I would go back struggling mentally.

On top of all that, the fact that my weight was going up made my eating disorder voice scream even louder that I was getting fat and needed to eat less, even though I was still underweight. I started comparing my old weight to my new one and noticed that I had lost the visible ribs, bones, and abs I used to have. When I looked in the mirror, all I could see was fat. I didn't know if I missed my old underweight body, it wasn't a conscious thought, I just felt huge in comparison. I wanted to feel good about my body and thought hitting the gym would be the solution- I hated how  I was exempt from working out but maybe it was for the better. 

Taking us away from the negative, In comparison to my early stages of my eating disorder, I luckily didn't care as much what others ate in comparison to what I ate as It was now planted in my head that different people have different needs. We can't  be upset if someone ate a smaller meal than you due to many reasons; they may be shorter than you, have a medical issue, they might be struggling too, they may plan to eat a lot more later, they may have already eating a lot before you and this 'meal' just their snack. In addition, they could be healthy whilst anorexics are unhealthy due to malnourishment and previous restriction therefore, we need to eat more. This could be the opposite way round too. Others may be eating way more than you and comparison may seep in. I remember once I ate sushi as my lunch and someone told me, 'that's a nice pre lunch snack, what are you having for lunch'. As one can see, what could be huge for others could be small for others, what can be seen as a meal to you can be seen as a snack to others. I just knew that comparison was dumb therefore, that habit started to ease a way over time. However, once in a while I could unconsciously find myself comparing what others are eating to what I was but it wasn't as usual. I even stopped vicariously watching Mukbangs to satisfy me. It was late February in 2024 and I had not watched one since 2023. I left the habit of watching Mukbangs as I previously mentioned how I relied on them to give me permission to eat and it became toxic. Without Mukbangs, I felt guilty when i would eat. Mukbangs would also take away my rare cravings for me which was unhealthy for recovery when i was meant to be honoring them. I cut off watching them as I did not need to see  people eating on my screen to make me feel better about doing something that every human had to do anyways. God had told me to stop watching them as it became an obsession therefore I sought His and my own permission that way.

This day I had a mixture of emotions, I felt horrible but also saw positives in my recovery journey. I kept looking in the mirror at work and hating what I was seeing. I was just so excited to do my virtual group therapy session with CAMHS after work. I had left work an hour earlier for the meeting; when I got home, I set everything up for the meeting only for them to join late then tell us they cancelled it. I felt I really needed that session to feel better about myself. My self esteem was at it's lowest this day and it was the same day my therapy session was cancelled.

I just wanted to love myself and stop relying on words and affirmations from others to help me. 

I ended the day doing yoga to soothe my emotions to only end up doing a more intense one.

Unfortunately, despite it not being moral, the intenseness felt so good.