OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

10th of June 2023 entry.

📝10/06/2023

You know how some people have always curious what breaking a bone feels like. I was one of those people who had been curious what fainting feels like. And this very morning, that curiosity was no longer needed to be answered, because this very morning, I fainted for the first time.

It was all very strange. Is strange even the right word? If I had a eating disorder, this should be no surprise. I did it to myself.

I woke up late; overslept meaning I hadn't eaten in 12 hours plus as the last time I consumed something was dinner.

I do say it's strange though as I didn't remember anything about the fainting period however, all I knew is that my hip hurt so bad from my body being slammed on the ground.

I woke up sweaty. Yes, I know It was June which is a hot month however, the way I was sweaty was questionable as it was rare. I also woke up with what with a rapid, strong heartbeat, which again was rare as I have a slow heartrate. I had palpitations; I felt something was odd so when I wanted to get up to start my morning routine I sat up for a while instead of getting up immediately. Then I remember deciding to get up but not actually the action of me getting up.

Next thing I know my sister is screaming 'YOU FAINTED!'. That's how I became conscious again. I was confused but comprehended that I had fainted. I started to panic.

She ran upstairs to inform my mother, then whilst still on the ground, I saw my poor mother running towards me with such worry in her eyes. I felt horrible. My mother had been sleeping beforehand and had to wake up to the information of her daughter having been passed out. She rapidly mounted out of bed and rushed downstairs towards me - it was the first time she had relaxed from working or watching me 24/7. Imagine the first time she went to sleep, her daughter had fainted. I pitied her.

I feared my health so bad at this moment. I obviously didn't like that I had fainted. I barely remembered anything and still don't but when my mum had asked my sister what happened, my sister said I had 'gotten out of bed and started swaying left and right hitting {my} body against the cupboard before slamming on the ground'. My mum looked devasted.

She talked to me, me and her had lost our bond so it was the first time in a while that we spoke personally like this. She asked me 'why are you doing this to yourself Debby, Don't you want to live, please, please just eat'. In addition, she calmy lectured me about how I hadn't eaten in so long resulting in me fainting. I obviously felt defensive as I had been eating 3 meals ;it was annoying to hear her say I should eat but I knew deep down my portions and calorie intake were still tiny and at this moment I was in panic I didn't care about low calories and weight loss but I cared about life. I knew at that moment I wanted to live so bad. I told her to bring me breakfast, I told her I'd eat anything, I told her I wanted to live.

When in a dangerous situation, like a fainting episode, I just panic. Why? Because, my body is telling me it's getting too weak. At that moment, I forget all about  calories and loosing weight but my mind just focusses on survival. This was God telling me to up my game. To eat more. He was warning me I'm going too slow and it could be worse. He gave me a teaser of what it could feel like if I keep eating such little.

My mum bought me a porridge. It was a bigger portion than the porridge I normally have as I always make myself a small porridge from scratch with no sugar and no milk as I feared extra calories. I would trick myself into liking the porridge I would make. The one my mum bought me was a store pot one ( the ones that include sugar and dry milk where you just add water). Normally I would fear consuming it but because at this moment I didn't care and just wanted to save my body from how weak it was feeling, I ate it without hesitation. It was the best porridge I've every had, it was jumbo, dry and so delicious. It was so sweet and I forgot what sugar even tasted like. I was shocked I had deprived myself from something so delicious for so long.

It broke me when I ate the porridge and my mum busted into tears in front of me. I knew she cried everyday in private because of me but it broke me how she couldn't even hide it this time. It broke me seeing the pain I had caused onto my family. My sister had witnessed me faint and was traumatized. My mum had woken up to hear I had fainted and seen me loose 10kg in a short span. She hadn't been working because of me, she hadn't even been resting because of me. I felt horrible. I told myself to just eat, get better but it was just so so hard because anorexia nervosa is a mental illness and all the mental factors were still there! I texted the pastors wife, who was the closest I had to a counselor, informing her what had happened and how it has effected my mum, so she called my mum and cheered her up.'

I knew that day I had to try eat more as as soon as I had the porridge I felt better. I knew food was fuel at that moment. I knew carbs where needed. Maybe God made me suffer so I could fix myself, and I thank him for that.

For lunch I had a egg salad. Yes I still; had a salad but I added egg as protein which was a good step for me. The salad was a massive portion, like massive as I knew I needed it. Unfortunately, I didn't finish it was I was tooo full but I was proud I pushed myself the most I could. I just wished I was getting medical help with eating at this moment, It was becoming hard doing it myself.

Thats why I ended up calling a doctor informing them about everything and they mentioned referral to a eating disorder clinic. Before, I rejected when they offered me this, but this time I accidentally said yes. I BELIVE the holy spirit made me say it as Luke 12:12 days 'for the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say."

To be honest it was time to get medical help with eating. But I started to get anxiety.

(This is my journal that I recorded, using the journal app, regarding my anxiety):

For me, It's shocking to see this was written later on in the same day I had fainted. In the morning, weight gain wasn't on my mind, survival was. But at the end of the day I went straight back to caring about weight over health. I knew I needed God to completely change my mindset as at this point I couldn't make my mind up.

How come I wanted to heal but I wanted to stay underweight?

What I learnt to accept is it's either one or the other. I couldn't have both. The obvious choice was to heal and gain a bit. I hated the word/ phrase 'gain weight' or 'fat' but the first mental stage of healing is accepting that It's meant to happen for our sake. We need to live. God made us and life is a gift that's not meant to be thrown away.

ACCEPT any help you can and put your full trust in the person helping you. Also put your faith in God. If you need to gain, you need to gain. Once you gain you can even have strength to go gym in the future. You can have more confidence and be more free to eat out with people. You can let go off the weight on your shoulders and the immense anxiety developed around food. You can be free.

Those are a few things that motivated me the times I felt like relapsing. Because those things sounded way better than dying to me!