OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

21st of November 2023 entry.

📝21/11/2023- Mukbangs.

I am sure a lot of people that struggle with a ED, when reading the subheading, already knew what I am going to talk about.

Mukbangs.

Let me start from the beginning.

On this day, at some point I found myself under the covers pouring my tears out; I felt horrible.

I was having bad thoughts about myself. My self esteem was getting lower. I felt so depressed- craving to feel numb again and therefore, not feel emotion.
The internal pain I had from my brain was becoming worse but the more I cried the more I felt pain due to weariness.

I felt afflicted, guilty, gloomy, miserable and downhearted; all the emotions one does not want to feel.

I never wrote on my journal what caused me to feel this way but I am sure it was to do with anorexia.

My advisor kept informing me how I was unworthy of food; unworthy of eating; not deserving of having anything goof.

I was having thought of resorting to self harm or relapsing of taking my life despite me overcoming these emotions and knowing my body is Gods temple and not mine.

I then brushed off those thoughts and acted wise, according to God, and watched a Christian podcast from 'King Kora' aka Karren.

Whilst listening to the podcast I felt attacked as she mentioned how following what the flesh wants could lead one to feeling the negative emotions I was feeling as they're caused by the devil. The devil controls the flesh. She stated how we should follow what the spirit wants as it's connected to the Holy spirit/ God which gives us light and positive emotions. Karren concluded saying how we should start off our days prioritizing our spirit desires and not our fleshes, carrying on the habit throughout the day- this was the route to a sound mind and contentment. This meant I had to feed myself with the Holy bible, Gods presence, Gods words and Holy actions.

I say I felt attacked as my flesh loved Mukbangs and I was satisfying my flesh. 

In the past when my unknown eating disorder was developing, I unconsciously  watched Mukbangs voraciously. This was because whenever I would want to eat due to hunger, that I no longer experience , I would watch someone eat and it would somehow satisfy me as if I had eaten resulting in me no longer wanting to physically eat. Meaning, I would watch someone else do what I wished I could do but didn't allow myself to. Additionally, I watched the mukbangs to feel better about myself whenever I used to eat;  I could not eat without watching someone else eat on my screen. Mukbangs gave my flesh comfort and permission;  I felt eating was such a bad thing therefore, seeing others do it made me feel it wasn't so bad. 

To elucidate even though I feel embarrassed to, I woke up feeling guilty about recovery so I laid down on my day, pushing time forward, consuming Mukbangs on TikTok through my screen voraciously. 

I realized whenever I would do this, which was satisfying what my flesh wanted to see- when all my spirit wanted was to pray and seek God, I would have such a bad day and feel horrible by the end.

Karren was right about how satisfying your flesh is digging yourself into despair. All my flesh wanted was to watch Mukbangs for permission and comfort when my spirit wanted me to pour out my should to God and tell him I was feeling to seek deliverance.

I prayed to God and he reminded me how I have to look after my body as my body is his temple and he loves me. God hates seeing his creation being destroyed. 

Now think about that. If your mutual best friend gave you a  object she loved so much to hold on for a while, would you start to ruin the object by shattering it into debris? No, because one day you you'd need to return the object to your friend which you love; you wouldn't want to destroy something your friend values. Therefore, we should not destroy what belongs to God if we love God and he loves us. What I am implying is, our bodies are Gods property and he sent us to the earth for a while to spread the word and bring more people to his kingdom, we have to return back to him and we can not return being starved, weak with scars all over us. God would break down. We can't hurt God as he created us, loves us and died for us.

 Just no.

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Later on, I was looking at some ED recovery motivation and notes to come across a quote saying:

 'Would you give someone you loved the amount of food you gave yourself? Would you not give someone food if they said they were craving it and you had it if you love them? '

Unfortunately, when I saw this, I disagreed because I detected a difference. It said 'someone you loved', but I did not love myself. That was why i felt I didn't deserve food.

I knew something had to change.

I needed to stop watching Mukbangs and instead watch holy podcasts, read the bible and rely on God.

I was nervous to start then.