OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

12th of July 2023 entry.

📝12/07/2023.

As we all know, I love being happy! I mean who doesn't.

The emotion is indescribable. It's such an immense feeling of giddiness and excitement; it forces you to forget all the bad things you suffer with as well as the awful things happening around us.

Happiness is such a strong feeling that even when someone falls depressed, they still get happy days. Those happy days need to be valued more as unfortunately they don't always last. When they vanish, we seem to completely forget they exist. Therefore, I feel like when we have happy days, we should appreciate them more.

I know God can provide an everlasting feeling of happiness called joy and contentment. I stive for those emotions- for me and you. Unfortunately, anorexia makes it more difficult to be happy but with God nothing is too big nor too small for them to fulfil.

God made that known for me on this day as I felt so happy. This day on the 12th of July was just a good day. I felt so much joy that I thought my ED had rid. I thought to myself, am I happy because I've been eating and nourishing myself that my body reacts to it positively? Because if so, food is such a good source of energy, and I should consume it more. This day I honoured those thoughts.

I realized the days when I was/am happy is the day I find it dealing with my ED. I guess is because I love the feeling so much and forget about all the negatives. I was surprised that I craved some food today as normally I wouldn't. Before my body with anorexia would feel alien as I lost a lot of weight it just wasn't me. I also felt I didn't connect with my body, like I never got hungry or craved anything. It was like my body stopped telling me what it wants and, on this day, I finally felt like my body was interacting with me again. I had to value this moment, so I obviously responded and gave my body what it craved. To build trust.

It's like a mother and child. Imagine the child never communicates with his mother as he doesn't trust her. The mum would feel horrible. However, I bet the day the son comes opens to her, asking her for something, she will value the moment and give him what he wants. This is a form of love.

I felt I had to show my body love by honouring my cravings as I had been punishing it literally. I was literally shutting myself down. I wanted my body to know it's allowed to crave things and tell me what it craves. I wanted to build trust and connect with my body. My body did not deserve to be a stranger to me.

I also looked after my mind by being productive. I sewed as it was my favourite hobby before obsessing over calories, my weight and macros. I also made bracelets out of beads as I also enjoyed it. My mind sounded peaceful, no subject about food or low self-esteem invaded my mind. I just felt everything was going in the right direction.

Then I went to the eating disorder clinic, and they confirmed everything was going in the right direction meaning I had gained some weight. I still had a long way to go but they were happy I had gained a bit of weight. They encouraged me to keep going and I tried to encourage myself too.

That encouragement I gave myself was amazing as before knowing I had gained weight would put me down. Seeing everyone proud with me, encouraging me, happy with me and validating me made me want to keep going.

So instead of being disappointed I gained weight which would have been dumb as it meant I was one step closer to gaining their happiness, joy, and life, I felt glad.

Glad I was going the right direction and fulfilling what God and my family wanted. I also wanted it, I guess.