OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

5th of December 2023 entry.

📝05/12/2023.

God continues to make my December proceed to be satisfactory.

He was obligingly transforming my mentality. 

My robust temptation to compare what everyone was eating to what I was eating was lessening. Previously, in my recovery, whenever I'd see someone eating less or skipping meals, I would aspire to copy what they were doing despite my malnourishment. I would hanker to undereat as everyone around me that I paid attention to would seem to be doing it whilst I was eating more due to refeeding. I was never reflect and understand that everyone had different needs and requirements; I was recovering and they weren't, I was unhealthy and underweight and they were weren't. However, on this day I realized how instead of me wanting to be like those who underate on social media normalizing it- I drifted my focus to those who nourished  their bodies to keep it in a pure, healthy condition and admired them.

I had came across a girl on my TikTok Foryoupage who had already had 3 meals and 3 snacks but got up at night to honor her craving as she knew if she didn't, it would be on her mind and upset her body. The girl had mentioned how she had listen to her body and she looked so liberal. She didn't seem to care or double think her decision, she had normalized this habit. I never used to focus on these types of people as I knew I could never be like them but I became optimistic telling myself I could probably be like her one day.

She really helped me and her name was @ggflavour on TikTok. Her love for food made me realize that food is literally just food.

It's literally just energy. Everything needed energy.

Circuits needed energizers/ batteries to carry current.

Robots need oil to provide them energy to keep running.

Car needed fuel to keep functioning. 

Food was just what human beings needed to keep them being.

On the day, being the 5th of December, I had a smoothie that I was saving to have after dinner. I never ever wanted to snack as I despised it- I wasn't sure it that was a disordered thing but I made it a habit to snack after dinner due to me having a long gap from dinner to breakfast. This rule I had made me scared to have the smoothie any other time that wasn't dinner in fear my eating disorder would beat me up for it. However, on this day- due to my good mood- I surprisingly wanted the  smoothie after I had my breakfast. This was odd as I always felt stuffed and uncomfortable after dinner but this time I had a appetite for more. I knew this was atypical, I noticed this was my body communicating with me, I concluded that my body was trusting me again therefore, I had a sip of that smoothie to honor my craving. I say a sip because when I had the smoothie I realized I was too stuffed to have more- but at least I gave it a shot and obeyed what my body was signaling.

I pursued being cheery on this day- Thanks to God.

I remember the promise I made to myself being once I gained all weight I needed to be healthy again, I would loose it all back by working out instead of starving. When reflecting, I distinguished how toxic this agreement I had with myself was and broke it. I switched the narrative to be whenever I would gain the weight, I would accept that I am beautiful and treat myself well. I told myself I had to accept my healthy self...

The thought the go all in was lingering in the back of my mind.

My note to you:

Tell yourself that you are beautiful in any form. Honor your cravings. Love yourself. Accept yourself. Take nice upon yourselves. Feed yourself. BE yourself.