OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

24nd of July 2023 entry.

📝24/07/2023.

A day that started off being very good and successful flipped around and transformed itself into a overwhelming, depressing day. This is completely normal when suffering with mental illness.

Expanding on the following statement, on this day I started off feeling very undefeatable by my anorexia. I wanted to fight the illness and did something I was very anxious and avoidant to do. I started off my morning facing a big fear food names cookies. 

When having the cookies, I felt a bit embarrassed, confused by happy. I had these mixture of emotions due to the fact of me not feeling any sort of guilt when having the cookie. I was merry as cookies was in fact one of my favorite things to eat before my eating disorder; I spent a long time contemplating whether I should have the cookie as I didn't really crave it and I was scared to feel guilt. However, when I challenged this fear food I was proven wrong by not feeling any sort of regret. 

On the topic of cravings, the new me didn't crave anything or at least signal a craving however, I still had the cookie to satisfy my old self that would have grabbed a cookie; I wanted my body to trust me again by communicating to me. I felt separate from my body- it is hard to put into words. Advice I'd give anyone suffering with a ED is to challenge a fear food even if you aren't craving it as since our body has been deprived from foods, it no longer sends us hunger/ craving signals. I felt bad about this because I felt my body was almost scared to tell me if it wanted to be nourished as it would just expect me to ignore it as I always did. I almost felt bad for my old self that starved. People say they do stuff for their future self but I also did it for my past self. My past self in the early stages of the ED would crave something but shut it down immediately until she no longer craved or wanted food everyday.

Linking back, this day was going very well for me. I spent most of the day showing my gratitude to God by thanking him for making me face that challenge and feel okay about it. The day even got better as it was very productive. Nothing better than feeling productive- right? I did laundry, wrote in my journal this day about this day and did the most refreshing, relaxing yoga to cleanse and ease my body and mind. 

Due to me feeling really good this day and at peace, when it came to my afternoon snack I faced another fear food of ice cream because who said one has to only face one fear in a day. I faced two. Surprisingly, I once again felt no guilt. Maybe I didn't feel any guilt as I still knew everything I was still  eating within my meal plan requirement; the fear foods were just adapted in. Or maybe, I didn't feel any guilt as 'God doesn't give the spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind' like 2 Timothy 1:7 states in the bible. Either way, I was just pleased I wasn't feeling any guilt however, whenever I faced these fears I craved validation and praise for facing them; these words of validation is what would make me feel even less guilty for facing the fears. 

Overall, I was glad that on this day my meal plan was way more easier and enjoyable. I appreciated every single thing I ate until it hit dinner. 

One thing I struggle to cope with is plans changed. I plan my whole day and my whole meal plan beforehand. What I had planned to have for dinner had disappeared from the house. The old me would be pleased as it was an excuse for me not to eat however, as I am prescribed to eat 3 meals I knew I still had to eat something. 

I struggled to figure out what to eat as what I decided to was gone but this is not what caused me to be stressed; it was the thought that my dinner was not what I intended to have. All my life I had struggled with something I have planned not going according to plan.

When finding out someone had probably eaten it, I felt no anger but ran upstairs to my room to reach out for my phone and tracked every calorie I had this day. I subtracted that sum with my calorie requirement that I took literal and had the number of the calorie intake my dinner should be. I did this all very quick as I feared eating too late and it was already 8:20 pm. Even before my anorexia, I made sure to never eat after 7pm as I can't sleep on a full stomach due to acid reflux. I stayed deciding what I could have and saw this packet rice in the cupboard. My dad had also made lamb chops that he really wanted me to have, even though he wasn't home, I still warmed it up with the rice and some veggies.

Yes, I weighed the packet rice and the lamb chops so I could have the exact calorie amount as I was too obsessed with either doing under or the exact number of the meal plan; this meant I would never go over the number. 

Despite this meal being very balanced with carbs, fibre and protein I ended up feeling horrible when eating it. Maybe it was because I didn't plan to have, maybe it was because it was late. I believed the reason of my guilt was because I hated the taste of it very much. I was never a fan of lamb and the packet rice was horrible. 

My first thought was from my ED. It told me I had wasted calories by having this horrible meal. My thoughts were just crowding my mind that I felt overwhelmed to carry on eating. I just felt horrible, anxious and disgusted. I remember feeling like I despised the food which was a very dramatic mean word.  I started crying because of my ED not leaving me alone and scolding me for eating something that was apparent to be a 'waste'.

I then texted my dad when he asked if I had eaten dinner. I informed him of how I was feeling guilty for eating something I didn't enjoy and he used such wise words to transform my negative thoughts to wise thoughts. He told me that I don't need to enjoy every since meal like how someone doesn't need to enjoy their medicine. I was confused but he expanded on to tell me how my dinner and every other meal was my medicine and how it was definitely not a waste as it is doing good things for my starved body. He also told me how he ironically also ate a dinner with his work friends that he didn't enjoy it at all but he didn't mind as he was just glad he was nourished. My dad reminded me that not every food needs to be enjoyed and when having food I should always reflect and ask myself why I am consuming it in the first place. The answer being same reason some people have medicine.

They are prescribed to.

They have to.

To get better.

To heal.

To fix their body and immune system.

I also reminded myself that every meal I eat is a step closer to get my period back.

After this very mature conversation, my guilt shrunk but a bit still stayed with me. What matters is I felt a bit better.

I wanted to feel even more better. I couldn't let one meal ruin my very good day. I wanted to feel Gods presence. I read Psalms 119 and used it as a guide on what I wanted to pray about. It reminded me I do nothing wrong, I am blessed and how I will always stay pure and worship God, seeking him when I am troubled. 

I felt bad because when I was super sad I almost let my ED win and put me down that I forgot and didn't want to seek God first. What mattered for me that night was making up for my seeking him and using that night to seek him. 

After this, I felt amazing! God is the way guys. 

God is with us forever and ready to comfort us.

Seek him!