OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

22nd of November 2023 entry.

📝22/11/2023 - Masking.

It was very had going to work and college every single day as an apprentice. I was seeing my colleagues most hours of my day and they had no idea I was battling with 2 of the most deadliest mental illnesses; Depression and Anorexia.

I would smile all the time and act like a goofy dumb girl who was content. They would always tease me for being quiet and sometimes goofy. I would always smile and spin around my chair and they would watch and laugh. Little did they know, when it would be our break time I would go on compulsive walks as the feeling of food in my body caused me to feel guilt and heavy. On my walks I would pour out myself to God and my real self would come out. 

I realized that I forgot what my identity was.

I didn't know myself as I had been masking so much at work and when I'd go home I'd just dwell on my mental illness. I didn't know who Debby was anymore.

I forgot what my real personality was.

I forgot what my hobbies were.

I forgot what my purpose was.

I had been masking for 3 months straight now at work that I had lost myself.

'Debby, why do you always come in late on Fridays?' - That was the questions why colleagues would ask. They were oblivious to the fact that I left every Fridays and to go to CAMHS because I had an horrible, overconsuming, ceaseless, colossal mental illness called Anorexia what would eat me up and make me feel vulnerable. But no, I couldn't tell them that. I would change the subject by saying something funny and dumb just for them to make fun of me and forget.

I hated how I did this. Why was I making my colleagues see me as this half-witted girl to mask the fact I was in internal pain? Why was I making myself have such a bad reputation? It was like I was not myself ;I could not control how I would act. I couldn't control what I could say. It came to the point when they asked me a easy question that a toddler could answer, I answered cluelessly with the wrong answer despite knowing  the moral answer . Everyone looked at me with shock puzzled how I did not know saying 'No way you are this dumb'. I giggled and when I went home I reflected how hated what I was creating.

When you mask you loose yourself.

Anorexia made me a person I was not.

Therefore, It was a struggle appearing to work everyday knowing I would probably unconsciously mask again and regret it later.

I felt so burnt out and I told myself I would never get better.

A voice told me in my head that this was going to be a ongoing and permanent emotion and battle.

I was craving help. I was writing to this online therapy but I was always getting week late responses. The last thing I texted them was about my suicidal thoughts and they still hadn't responded. God forbid- I obeyed those thoughts. The online therapy was just dumb to me. Don't get my wrong, it did help when they would respond but sometimes people need an instant response. On that note, I strived for physical verbal therapy; 1 to 1- that's if it would even help.

I felt helpless.

I ought my pain to be known by someone- I hated bottling it up. I forgot, God knows exactly how I felt.

I covet to be free and to eat without guilt as well as being praised for eating as it was hard for me. I forgot, God gave me free will and he gives a spirit of peace of mind which could demolish the guilt. He could also praise me for doing good as he knew my struggles way more than anyone and myself.

Lastly, I desired love, affirmation. I was forgetting God could provide me with all those things- Once again.

Sometimes I would always seek God and sometimes I would forget and I hated myself for that. He was on everyone's side in the bible and fought their battles therefore, if he did it for them, he could do it for me and he had been doing it for me but I would ruin it by become distant again. 

How mean.