OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

26th of June 2023 entry.

📝26/06/2023:

Every day gets better and better.

This day was so good and I was happy from morning till night, which was rare. I was shocked because no longer felt depressed and anger on this day. 

Whenever I'd be happy it'd only be temporary but I was happy for 42 hours straight. As result of that fact, It made me believe I'd be content forever. I loved feeling happy, Oh man I loved it.

I ate 2 good meals for example for lunch I had salmon and cream cheese on whole meal bread; In other words I had protein and fat things I lacked and dreaded eating. I just kept facing fear foods which I never regretted because the more I did it, the more my fear faded which is ironic as I always told myself I'd never be that girl to face my fear foods as they're too scary for me. Look at me now, I eat avocado daily and that was a massive fear. 

For dinner I had a fried rice which I avoided the most. Why? Because it had the word 'fried' in it meaning it consisted of oil which was the ultimate fear food. But no lie, It was so good, too good. To cancel the guilt I reminded myself how my body lacks fat therefore the oil would provide the fat for me so I can heal. 

Not to talk about how my hair already looks thicker and longer. They said fat makes your hair grow and thicken therefore, for a week I was incorporating fats and already felt my hair had grown. Maybe I was just anxious before and convinced myself it got thinner when It didn't and it was just a bad hair day or MAYBE God did his works and wonders and helped me heal rapidly. 

My mum took me out food shopping these days, which we all know us anorexics like looking at food but not eating it. Anyways, that's when I realized there was a big development in our relationship on both ends. She's been more accepting of my ed and more understanding towards me; I see her being more sensitive with me. With me on my path, I started empathizing more for her. Before I thought I was the only one suffering  but soon I matured coming to realize she's struggling too- seeing her child who she raised up suffering. Overall, she didn't force anything onto me anymore and I became more calm with her. She also, accepted my new weight but still encouraged me to gain the healthy weight back. Also, I'm sure some people who has had anorexia can relate when I say this; whenever I had the tiniest interest in food, my mum will go out of her way to buy it.  My mum could be in deep sleep, but If she overheard I wanted food, she'd get up from her sleep immediately to give or buy me that food. She did this as with anorexia I hated food and lost a appetite so if I had the tiniest interest in food, which was rare,  it'll make her is happy and she'd want to satisfy my craving.

Speaking of rare occasions, this day I had extreme hunger in result of my body being deprived from good food for such a long period of time. I had tricked myself into liking unhealthy, dry unseasoned food as I feared spreads, seasonings and oils. Therefore, this day I started building my bodies trust gradually again so, when me and my mum went shopping I bought everything my body wanted in that store. I felt a bit guilty as she spent so much money but she kept reminding me, 'I'd do anything for you, I love you so much, I want my child to eat and be free'. That warmed me up. I was also excited because she bought sweet potatoes and kimchi- two things I loved.

What shocked me the most is how I finally felt a bit of excitement and joy for food again as at the start of June I full on despised food, I felt it was a punishment when I had to eat and now I actually look forward to eating?  My body would heavily crave sugar but would ignore it until that night on the 26th of June where the craving was immense. No joke when I say before this day I restricted myself from sugar so hard that my body almost forgot what sweet things taste like and yes I even restricted myself from grapes. I feared sugar so bad so it was ironic when I went downstairs that night confidently listening to my craving, building my body's trust, annoying my bad mental thoughts and honoring my body by having had a sweet treat. I had 3 square bars of chocolate, I don't even know why as I don't even like chocolate but that night I really wanted chocolate so I had chocolate and boy it was so good. I didn't even waited for guilt to overtake me because I knew I wouldn't feel guilt at that moment as I prayed and had faith the prayers where answered and guess what? The very emotion of guilt never came. At that very point I knew I had evolved, healed and improved with my eating disorder because I knew what my body wanted and satisfied it when before I wouldn't even want nor crave anything, I have no appetite and if I did I'd ignore my cravings and starve.

When I told my dad I had a sweet night snack my dad smiled and told me that, 'I punished my body for so long that it needed to be treated'. I fully agreed as I did research by I craved sugar so bad and a influencer I found on Instagram emphasizes that anorexics go through extreme hunger where they'd grave things they deprived their body from for very long. She explained how the only way to rid that is by honoring the cravings therefore, eating the craving. So I was glad I honored the craving and also felt better as of course I felt a little guilty after indulging into the food. In addition, I felt better when I remembered the affirmations In the bible: Jeremiah 1:5 and psalms 139:14 1 Samuel 16:7.They all conclude to send the message across that God made us so we're beautiful and he doesn't even look at the outside (physical appearance) but on the inside (your attitude, behaviors and your spirit). 

God is just great, why?

- God gave me an appetite back after I openly prayed for one.

- God healed me and delivered me from weakness when I prayed for strengthening every morning.

- God took away most of my anxieties around food and weight after I continuously prayed my spiritual affirmations every morning to rid them. (In the previous chapters I showed you guys the affirmations).

The affirmations, once again, really helped me throughout a whole day as I'd recite them in the morning setting a positive mood at the start of the day. On that very day the positive mood I set stuck with me until night. I've probably already stressed this in other chapters but I strongly suggest if your sturggling wuth mental illnesses, affirmations would be amazing for you. TRUST ME, it helps.

Here are some affirmations:

-I choose to be happy and to love myself today as I am worthy.

-I am loved.

-God has plans for me. (When one looks forward to their future plans it could motivate them to keep going).

-I am much more than my emotions, I am not my thoughts or feelings.

-I will love and approve of myself in any form.#

-I will make the best decisions for myself.

-I won't rely on my knowledge and thoughts but Gods.

Linking back, I can't express how amazing the 26th was to me, maybe it was too amazing because I felt a positive emotion I hadn't felt in a long time. Nothing special happened, I didn't go out, go to a concert, party but I was healed and that was what was special to me. 

Now the downside; I still tracked my calories this days BUT on the good side, I increased my intake by 200 this week which was progress for me. I just hated how no matter how good my day was, I'd still feel insecure and  conscious about my looks. I prefer my face slim, but I didn't like looking and being treated like I'm sick and fragile. I'd miss my old thighs and I'd want my butt back but if I gained it back I'd get insecure. I wanted what I used to have but I rid what I used to have because I didn't want it. See. SO CONFUSING, CONTRIDICTARY AND OVERWHELMING.

But I knew if anything, I was way better than the start of my healing progress and I knew I'd be even better very soon. I knew maybe  soon I could even let go of guilt and tracking calories with Gods help. The bible said we can't do anything without God or rely on our own understanding. John 15:5. Therefore, I'd just rely on God.

Ever since my experience in ExCeL (I mentioned in a previous chapter) my eating disorder hasn't haunted me as much. I was getting better every single day. I fully  believe those prayers led by the Holy Spirit and the pastors recited those days worked well. I had a bit of doubt as God healed people immediately when they prayed that day, but when I prayed for my ED to go, It didn't leave straight away as I still heard them. But God heals when he wants to heal, so now I was recognizing the healing,  I still  had faith and tried make sacrifices for God as I'd do anything for those prayers to be answered. I've never even took of the bracelet my dad bought from ExCeL and I never will because when I felt no one could heal my anorexia because it was so immense , God proved me wrong ; I never imagined myself being at this stage. 

I kept emphasising how I wanted a therapist or counselling but God has done it for me.

Depression felt extinct.

So I will conclude by saying with God all things are possible Matthew 19:26.

*Please if you're suffering with an eating disorder or anxiety or depression cast it all to God. You won't regret it, he will heal you, AMEN!