resolve // 5SOS

19

Ashton

"Alright kids, I am gonna get some food in, so be sensible please. No going in the pool while I am gone,"

"This house is so cute,"

"You mean small?"

June giggled and nodded, getting herself a glass for water. This made Ally look over at me in disbelief, but I just smiled and kissed her cheek before I grabbed my wallet. I always appreciated that people seemed to feel comfortable at my house.

I got in the car and turned the radio on, driving towards town. I had to make a stop before the supermarket, so I found parking and headed to the jewellery store.

For the adoption, I wanted to give my kids something really special. I'd already got them clothes, and gifts, but I wanted to get them a pretty piece of jewellery to remember the day as well.

I took my time choosing what to get, but I ended up getting Axel a silver ring, and Ally a necklace with an opal stone in. Both were really delicate, and I knew they would love them. I knew that adoption was tricky, and I wished on every star that they had never ever been put in a position where they had to end up in someone else's care, no matter how much I loved having them in my life.

If I could do anything in the world to make it so they had grown up their whole life with their family loving and supporting then I would do it in an instant. I knew the adoption day would be bittersweet, no matter how excited they were right now. I knew it would be a day of many emotions. Probably a lot of anger, and confusion, and hurting, as well as the relief and the happiness. It took 16 years for them to be safe; they had to carry those 16 years with them forever, and that was heavy.

But I was going to make that day as goddamn special as I could, and everyday after that. I was going to make sure that like in the past few months, they would feel cherished everyday. Heard, loved, safe, able to feel emotions and have worries, and ask me about things. A necklace and a ring didn't carry all of that, but I did, and they were reminders for them that I was there. I loved them, and literally nothing in the world would change that.

I hoped I had given them everything they needed and more.

New message from: Ally <3
dad, please can you buy peanut butter while you're out?

And everything they wanted.

Ashton
Of course, pumpkin. Having fun?"

I didn't get a reply, but I took it as a yes, and went to do our food shop.

I made it back home in time to make all the kids lunch, then had some myself and ate it in the kitchen since they had all gone outside. Hearing their laughter really warmed my heart, and it reminded me of Gabi and all her friends. All the people I loved were happy and healthy. That was all I had ever wanted.

Truly all I had ever wanted.

For a while, I sat in the kitchen and watched them all outside. They got in the pool, and they were all giggling and playing (or floating in Ally's case). I was pretty happy watching my kids be happy so I stayed there until Axel came inside for a drink, shuffling through on a towel.

"You alright dude?"

"Yeah, I'm having a good time,"

"Good. Reckon I could come out and read a book or would I kill the vibe?"

"I think maybe you would kill the vibe?" he said quietly.

"I thought so," I laughed, "I'll take my book upstairs,"

"We can hang out later,"

"It's okay dude, honestly. You go and have fun,"

"Love you,"

"I love you too. Make sure Ally gets some shade soon,"

"She won't listen to me,"

"Yes she will, just remind her,"

"I will try,"

I ruffled his hair, then took myself upstairs and grabbed a book, reading it. Nowadays it almost felt weird to read in my head, and not to be reading some cheesy young adult book. It was strange how much my kids impacted the tiniest areas of my life.

June and Haz ended up staying for tea, but that was fine by me, and I dropped them off late in the evening. After a long day, everyone was tired, and when we got back home both kids crawled into my bed to watch tv. I loved it when I got to hold them both on a side each, I would say it a million times.

"Dad, we made you a sorry card," Ally said as both of them got up to go to bed, "It's in my room,"

"Bring it here then,"

She scurried there and back, and put in by me, then both of them said goodnight and went to their rooms. It was handmade, with a heart drawn on, and the three of us in the middle. Stick figures, but the three of us.

I really wasn't that upset about yesterday, I could take harsh words like that, especially when I knew they were coming from a place of anxiety. However, I was thankful they apologised still, and opened the car to see two lengthy messages. One from each.

I knew whose was whose. Axel had neat handwriting, and good spelling. Ally kind of wrote like she had never held a pen before, but it was getting better.

Hers was short, there was less space afterall given her larger handwriting.

To dad. I am really sorry I said I hated you. I don't. You do lots for us, and you make me feel really safe and loved, and you are the first adult I ever trusted. I got upset because I was scared, and doing things alone has always been hard for me. I really want you to know I could never hate you and I know it's a strong word so I won't use it again. I am trying to be good like you. I love you, dad.

I appreciated it, it was sweet, and I could see how writing had come a long way from what it used to be. Ally was genuinely a giant ball of sweetness squished into a human and I adored her for it.

To dad,

I'm sorry for how I have been the last week... I'm still getting used to being open about my mental health and this week it has really shaken me up, but I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I know you always have the best intentions for us, and I am ashamed I didn't see it in the moment, but I hope you forgive me for I was really caught up.

I never wanted to upset you, and seem ungrateful for what you're doing. Each week I look back and I realise it must be hard for you too, to have to encourage us to do something we are afraid of, so thank you. You are the king of role model I always wished for. Firm, but fair, and kind. You know us better than we know ourselves and I am going to try my best to listen to you, even when I am scared. I don't want to be angry and anxious anymore.

We won't use the word hate again. It was heat of the moment, I am really sorry if we upset you lots. I love you to the moon and back, twice, like you told me you did for me.

Axel xx

And Axel was becoming a wonderful young man, who was considerate, and intelligent, and driven. I appreciated the card, and the thought put into it - they were forgiven anyway, but tomorrow I would do my best to show them that.

I knew it was my job to make my kids treasured, but they were pretty damn good at making sure I felt treasured too.