resolve // 5SOS

26

Ashton

"I'm gonna draw Calum a picture of Duke,"

"Awh, that's lovely,"

"I'm gonna start now. There is a lot to do,"

"I'll go and talk to Axel then, feel free to put some music on,"

As I left the room, she put some pop music on, meaning she was in a good mood. Axel seemed okay, but he had begged for a run this morning so something was on his mind. Plus, he had left during the film, so I wanted to make sure he was okay.

I knocked on his door and he let me in, putting his book down.

"How are you doing?"

"Okay,"

"Wanna talk about anything?"

"I really want to sleep at Charles' house,"

"What if I picked you up really late?"

"Why can't I sleep?"

"I don't want this to come across the wrong way, but sometimes I don't know how you two are going to react to certain situations... I don't know everything that triggers you and I am so, so scared of you getting upset while I am not there,"

"I promise nothing like that will for me. I slept on the same bed at June's, I'm okay,"

"Alright, I trust you to be sensible and safe. I just don't want to see you hurt,"

"I know," he said, hugging me tightly, "He could come here?"

"Yeah, that would make me feel better dude. I trust you, it's nothing to do with that, it's all just me being worried I can't help my kids out if they need it,"

"I know,"

"I love ya dude,"

He looked down and picked at his bedding, cowering his body over.

"I do,"

"I know, but I had bad thoughts and I think I made Ally have them too,"

"What thoughts?"

"That I would give all of this up if it meant we'd had a normal childhood,"

"I would give all of this up if it meant that too, sweetheart. Like I told Ally, you are not a bad person for wishing you had a happy, safe childhood,"

"It sounds stupid when you put it like that,"

"All of this is still a big change, there's lots of emotions, good and bad. None of them are stupid. Unfortunately we can't change things, but we will make sure the future is really good, okay?"

"I don't want to seem ungrateful,"

"You are not. Have you spoken to Ally about this? I know she feels the same,"

"Not since I made her start spiralling. I feel like I screw things up all the time, and she never hurts anyone,"

"You two need to stop comparing yourself to each other, she thinks you're the shit,"

"I know," he sighed, "I'm just having a moment,"

"It isn't a moment, it's some really valid feelings," I said, sitting next to him, "Tough ones,"

He nodded, then started crying into my side and I held him tightly, rubbing his arm. We hadn't had tears in a while.

"I wish we had baby photos, and childhood videos... and memory boxes. Charles has photos and memories in his room,"

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart,"

"We didn't have birthday parties, or get invited to people's houses, or play in a paddling pool. I know at my age they're less important things but I wish we got to have it all,"

"If it's important to you it's important to me," I said, "You know that. Do you think there are any baby photos out there?"

"Probably not,"

"Would you like me to see what I can find?"

"Whatever you want, it'll be no use. Maybe my mum has some but if she gave me up then who knows,"

"What exactly happened that made you two end up with your cousins?"

"They got sick of us?" he said, laughing quietly, "My mum was actually dating our dad, Ally's mum gave her to our dad so we both lived with my mum and dad... I think they just got sick of us. Maybe they were in danger, who knows,"

"Ah, right. You two have been together since babies? I feel like I should've known that, sorry,"

"We don't really think about it. My mum isn't with our dad anymore, she has her new family... I think she's good now. That's why they wanted to put me there. Apparently she manages a shop,"

"What if I asked her if she had any photos?"

"She won't, but you can ask. I have her email... I've never used it. If she asks to see me please say no,"

"Of course,"

"Am I in trouble?"

"No, sweetheart. Safety wise, yanno, if you had contacted her I would've liked to known but you didn't,"

"I would really love some baby photos,"

"I would love that too. I bet you two were super cute,"

"Do you have baby photos of you?"

"Yeah,"

"Can I see?"

"I'm sure I can dig them out, right now?"

"Yeah,"

"That's gonna help?"

"Yeah. Ally! Come and look at dad's baby photos!"

I went to my room and dug out the photo album, hearing Ally come upstairs- she walked up them pretty heavily even if she wasn't in a mood. When I went back into his room, she was curled into Axel's side, so I sat at the end of the bed against the wall, positioning it so we could all see.

They got lots of giggles out of it for sure.

"You with a cat. I would love a cat, dad," Ally said, "Axel isn't allergic to cats,"

"Unfortunately I am allergic to cats,"

"Oh. A bunny?"

"I will have a think,"

"Really?"

"Just a think, but yes,"

I was trying to encourage her to ask for things, so liked to give more open ended responses, but I would look into it. I had been thinking maybe we could finally get a pet round here, especially since she loved animals. Axel was so set on being a nurse and he enjoyed spending his free time reading and watching about it. If Ally had a passion now then I wanted to keep that, even if it was just us getting a bunny rabbit.

They carried on looking at all my photos for a while, especially liking my awkward teenage photos. I supposed they only really knew me as I was now, so it must be exciting to see a new part of me. It sort of seemed to relieve them to see that I had been a teenager too.

"You have some nice photos,"

"Thank you,"

"I bet you were popular at school,"

"A drummer who wanted to be a brain surgeon? Nuh-uh,"

"Well I would have thought you were cool, dad. I think you're cool now," Axel said, "I wanna make sure I have photos of me as a teenager to show my kids,"

"We will do! It's good to live in the moment but photographs are so precious... hopefully you're gonna have a good book full of them,"