resolve // 5SOS

43

Ashton

"Heya dude... how are you feeling?"

"Abandoned,"

"Yeah... I figured you might be feeling something like that, because your sister felt similar. Not what you thought seeing a photo would do huh?"

I sat on the floor by his head and gently stroked his hair, his body limp as he laid on his front with his head turned to me.

"No,"

"Let's talk about it then,"

"They kept a picture and not me. My own mum,"

"Yeah,"

"I am so angry with her,"

"That seems fair," I said, "You didn't deserve what happened,"

"Okay,"

"You know that, don't you?"

"I dunno,"

"You didn't deserve anything bad that happened to you. You deserved a loving home,"

"Okay,"

"You did. I am so sorry the photo has upset you, sweetheart!"

"Just made me feel confused. I guess paper is easier to keep than a kid,"

"Oh sweetheart," I said, kissing his forehead, "You are not difficult to have as a kid, I promise. They had their shitty reasons and it is not a reflection on you or Ally at all. Don't you see how cute you were!"

"Yeah," he sniffled, "Playing the drums on pots and pans,"

"It was meant to be,"

"You know that one time you said you think we would have met regardless of if you adopted me? Or that in every universe you think you know me,"

"Yeah,"

"I think so too, now,"

"Yeah?"

"I think when I was playing drums as a kid maybe I had some of your love and we didn't even know it,"

"Yeah," I said, tearing up, "I do love you, a lot. Lots and lots sweetheart, and I never want to make you feel unloved, or unwanted. You are so precious to me,"

"You never make me feel unloved. Sometimes your love is overwhelming,"

He laughed and wiped his eyes, shrugging.

"I see all the photos of Gabi and Luke and I am so fucking jealous. I know she had a tough time but she had a dad and I am jealous of that. The photo was just me and Ally and I guess it always has been just us,"

"I'm sorry dude,"

"Well, we have you too,"

"I'm part of the gang?"

"Yeah. Sorry if I sound ungrateful... I love having a dad now. Sometimes it's just so hard,"

"You don't have to apologise. Like I have said before, I wish you two had a mum and dad as well. It is okay that you do... it is also important to make sure the past doesn't stop us living in the present,"

"Yeah,"

"You were a very cute kid," I said, tilting my head so our eyes met, "And you have become a very handsome, and a very kind young man. I am really proud of you,"

"For being handsome?"

"Yep,"

A small smile grew on his face and he hugged me, holding me tightly. It crushed me that they felt like this, but they deserved the right to have childhood photos so I wasn't gonna hide it even though I expected a slightly negative reaction at first. Eventually I was sure they would treasure them- I was definitely treasuring the photos.

Sometimes- though it was selfish of me- I mourned the time I didn't get with my kids. I had always wanted kids and I wouldn't change mine for the world, but I did get upset I had missed out on so much of their life. I would have been honoured to watch them grow up, and I was definitely honoured to get to see it from now on.

"I think I am gonna go to sleep now. Gabi is coming at 9am,"

"Does she know?"

"I dunno,"

"I had better get to bed soon then too! Are you gonna have a shower?"

"Fine,"

"Thank you,"

I kissed his forehead and let him be, hopping in my own shower. Once I was in pyjamas, Ally came through with a sulk and got in my shower carrying all her toiletries, then came out when she was done and sat on my bed with her head hung.

"You want your hair dried?"

"I wish I was staying here tomorrow. I feel like shit,"

"I am sure we can do it on Sunday, pumpkin!"

"No it's sorted now,"

"I think seeing Auntie Sierra and Uncle Luke might help... you know I love you so much, maybe feeling their love too with make you feel happy!"

"Yeah. I do love them,"

"Yeah. Shall I dry your hair?"

She nodded, so I brushed it and sat behind her with the hair dryer. We sat in silence, but I didn't mind.

"Can I sleep in here?"

"Yep,"

"Do I stop you sleeping?"

"No," I said, "I'll say goodnight to Axel,"

"Dad, I am excited to see Auntie Sierra,"

"Good! I am sure you will have a fun day,"

While she tucked herself into bed, I said goodnight to Axel- he seemed to feel a bit better, but wasn't up to chatting which was okay. I gave him an extra tight hug.

Admittedly, Ally was a little restless during the night and I woke up a few times, until eventually I pulled her into my body and she slept like a baby from then on. I knew I should be encouraging her to sleep in her own room, but again, I was picking my battles. It wouldn't be like this forever.

Although, sometimes I wished it would be. I was already sad they might leave one day.

The love I had for them was unmatched with anything I had ever felt before, and I empathised with Luke a hell of a lot more now. Seeing your kid go through pain was the worst feeling in the whole entire world.

And knowing sometimes you couldn't make it better fucking sucked.