resolve // 5SOS

31

Ashton

Ally decided to sit this one out and went to hang out with Sierra, so I took Axel to the place I had taken Gabi many-a-time.

When I had gone through to him he had not spoken a word to me. I didn't know what he was feeling, nor what either of them had truly been through.

My heart had shattered when I got the letter. Usually there's a lot more warning for these kinds of things, but trust the system to be fucked up. It always was. I didn't wanna put my kids through this, I didn't want them to have to relive the worst times of their life. I wasn't even convinced they knew how they felt about it all, still. And, when you're a kid you cope in ways that aren't the best, I wasn't sure their memory was even reliable.

But they had to go.

Axel still didn't talk while he smashed things but he went for it. I had never even seen Gabi like this. I mostly stood back and let him do it, until he threw the hammer down and kicked rubble to make a gap on the floor.

He plonked himself down.
And sobbed.

"Let it all out,"

"They fucking suck. They are awful, dad. You have to stay with me,"

"I will. Everyone is going to come, we are all going to support you both,"

"When is it?"

"Wednesday," I said quietly, "You er, we need some formal clothes,"

"I am not wearing my adoption suit to go and see them," he spat, "No fucking way,"

"I will ask Luke if he has any spare shirts,"

"Thank you... I feel like I can't do this, dad. I don't know how I am gonna do this,"

"I know it seems impossible right now but you will get through this. You are entitled to things in there to make it easier because you are a kid,"

"You sitting with me,"

"Hopefully yes, I can sit up there with you. It's gonna be okay, sweetheart, I promise. You're gonna be safe,"

"Okay,"

"I am so, so sorry this is still going on. If there is anything you want to talk about beforehand then you can... we should probably get going,"

"Ally isn't gonna tell them they're bad,"

"She is going to tell her experience in the best way she can and we have to accept that. What you say is not a be all end all, it's just one fragment of the evidence,"

"Okay,"

"I've got your back, dude,"

We handed in the safety gear, then I took us to get a starbucks and we sat in the car park for a bit, talking about Charles as a bit of a distraction. I said he could invite him over, so I think he did- I would take any distractions.

Eventually, we picked Ally up and went back home, but it was super quiet and I ended up cooking on my own. I took the food up to their rooms for them, then ate alone on the couch and put a show on, trying not to think about it all too much.

I felt like we had put so much work in as a family to heal, and this was a million steps back.

"Dad?" Ally said, standing in the door frame.

"Hm?"

"Axel said he is having Charles over. Can I invite June and Haz?"

"Of course you can,"

"Thanks,"

"How are you feeling?"

She looked up from her phone, then walked away, running back upstairs.

I tidied the kitchen up, then turned all the lights up and went upstairs, taking a shower. I got fresh pyjamas out, then knocked on Axel's door.

"I don't wanna talk,"

"I am going to bed then,"

"Charles is coming at 10 tomorrow,"

"That's fine," I said, kissing his cheek since he was already tucked into bed, "I love you, so much. I always have your back,"

"Maybe tomorrow, after therapy we could order food at watch a movie... with Michael?"

"I'll ask him. I hope you sleep well, bud. You can wake me up if you need me,"

"Okay,"

I turned out his big light and shut the door, letting myself into Ally's room since the door was half open. She looked up at me, then back down, and pulled away when I tried to hug her.

"Pumpkin...,"

"Why are you making us do this?"

"It's the law. You have to go,"

"We never get to pretend we are a normal family,"

"It does feel that way, I know. Once this is all over we will,"

"You might but I won't. There's always a feeling or a reminder or a stupid court thing. My leg is always a reminder. My scar is. The way Axel gets angry is a reminder,"

"I am really sorry," I said quietly, "I am so sorry you have to do this,"

"I don't know whether I want to see my cousins or not and whether that makes me a really, really bad person,"

She looked up at me with teary eyes and sniffed, picking at a thread on her duvet.

"You are not a bad person... and you might always have conflicting feelings. However what I need you to know is that you were a kid, and you deserved nothing but love, and protection,"

"Sometimes I did bad things so I deserved everything for that,"

"No you didn't,"

"I think I did. You don't know,"

"I know that you and Axel are the most precious people in the world to me and that I would never ever consider hurting you in any way,"

A tear fell from her eye and she wiped it away, then laid down and faced the wall.

"Even if I was really bad?"

"Even if you were really, really, really bad, I would not lay a finger on you,"

"This is all so confusing,"

"I can imagine, pumpkin. You probably aren't gonna have it figured out for a while, so just answer your best in court,"

"Can you stay here until I fall asleep?"

"Yeah, I will do,"

"I don't understand why I want to see them. Why am I excited to see them when they are horrible people?"

"Our minds can be confusing places, Ally. They are who you know... they're blood, and I know that doesn't matter about us, but I think it means something to you, and that's okay,"