resolve // 5SOS

30

Ally

I felt like a ton of bricks had crumbled on top of me.

I had worked so hard. I had found us a dad, I had gone to therapy, had surgery, started school, made friends, got an Auntie.

And I had spent so long dealing with the emotions from my cousins. I was still confused. They had hurt me but they had done lots of good things, right? I thought they had done some good things, they had looked after us. We got fed. We got a bed.

I knew dad was much better but they didn't almost kill us or anything. Well, only the accident but that wasn't on purpose. They were good people, we were just from fucked up families. If I had been born at the same time as them then it could have been me.

I didn't wanna be responsible for throwing them in jail.

My chest felt like there was a fire inside, getting stronger and weaker every so often. Fuelled by the bad memories but cooled down double the amount when I remembered we still had food and shelter. They were not bad people. I think. They were and they weren't.

It didn't make sense.

I didn't know what to say.

They hurt us sometimes but if they did I deserved it and I didn't do any bad behaviour now I lived with dad, so that's why it never happened. Right?

They didn't need to go to prison because of me. They were already going by the sound of things

"Are you okay pumpkin?"

"I'm fine,"

"Can I come in?"

"No,"

"Okay... I am gonna sit outside for a bit if you want me,"

"Can you come in, actually please?"

Dad opened the door and tilted his head at me, shutting it behind.

"What are you thinking?"

"I dunno. I don't wanna go,"

"Unfortunately it's illegal if you don't," he said, tucking my hair out of my face, "I know it's gonna be super hard to answer the questions, but after it's done we are all gonna hang out together and make you and Axel feel so, so loved,"

"They were good people,"

"Okay,"

"I wanna tell them that,"

"As long as you answer their questions truthfully,"

"I want you to sit with me,"

"I will do if they let me,"

He kissed my forehead and hugged me tightly, rubbing his hand up and down my arm.

"This is shit,"

"It is. We are all here to support you. I am gonna go and make sure Axel is okay, but you can get me if you need,"

"Okay. I think I am just going to lay here,"

"I'll come and lay in a bit... yeah?"

"Yeah,"

He kissed my forehead again, then I laid down and stared at the ceiling. It wasn't damp, or a weird colour, it was plain, bright white. I looked at my walls and they were pink, because dad knew my favourite colour was pink so he made sure they stayed pink. They weren't stained, or cracking.

But even if the ceiling was a weird colour and the paint was cracking it was still a home. Still a roof over our head. I was really confused.

A lot of stuff had happened to me and Axel that we never ever spoke about. We swore to secrecy. We deserved it and we knew we did. We were good now, and happy, and safe, so it didn't matter anymore.

I had comfortably set on hating my cousins until now- our words meant something. I could tell that they tried. They were young when we came. They did their best, they didn't have money and experience like dad but they tried.

I hated them but they were my home for 11 years. They were our people, our adults, even if they were bad sometimes. Axel and I did pretty much raise ourselves but we couldn't have done it without the roof and food, and the uniform and the pens.

This was so fucking confusing.

Dad came to lay with me. Then, Axel came too. All of us laid on our backs in silence, Axel holding my hand tightly. I didn't know how he felt and he wouldn't tell me. He definitely wouldn't tell anyone. He would get on with it, give a statement, and leave and act like this didn't happen for two weeks until he exploded.

Maybe he wouldn't even explode. Maybe justice is what he needed.

"Dad,"

"Yes sweetheart?"

"I am really angry and I want to punch a hole in Ally's wall right now,"

"I see... mind if I make a call?"

"To who?"

"You'll see,"

He got up and left, and we stayed silent, but I shuffled over so my head was on his shoulder. I felt myself tearing up because we didn't have to hide under a duvet anymore or look at a damp ceiling, but I was so confused because we stayed alive.

I didn't know if I was more of a bad person for not wanting them to get in trouble for a damp ceiling or if I was a bad person for telling everyone they should go to jail.

"We are gonna go and smash things up. Plates and tvs and crap. Come on,"

"We will be down in a minute," Axel said, waiting for him to go, "What are you thinking?"

"We don't have damp ceilings anymore,"

"No... we don't,"

"But you shouldn't go to jail for damp ceilings. Dad is amazing and he could have damp ceilings,"

"Ally... Alyssa,"

"What?"

"This is a lot bigger than damp ceilings,"