Sunset in Paradise

CHAPTER 36 (Broken Papers)

*Reina*

It was over.

Everything was over between me and my husband.

He didn't even finish his stay that I put in the agreement, after staying for three days, he went back to Manila, and he left me to finish the remaining two days and one night.

When I woke up the next morning, his stuff was nowhere to be seen. He left me after that unconsented sex.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mas masakit, yung malaman na hindi na niya ako mahal o yung malaman na nagbago na siya. Parehas, nagbago na siya dahil hindi na niya ako mahal.

I said I would accept whatever happens after the short vacation trip, but why do I feel nothing resolute with the result?

It's still hard to believe that we ended up like this. I thought I could make good memories with him or even hoped to change his mind. It didn't, he didn't budge even the slightest to my desperate persuasion.

Even though I tried to tell myself that he was already moving on, I was just stalling my way of moving forward because I couldn't help it.

My heart still wants him.

I sighed as I watched people passing by outside the coffee shop I was in. I was eating alone, had no time to prepare breakfast and frequently skipped eating, a week passed by but still no sign of him coming back.

I was foolish to think he would change his mind one day. When he remembers that he loves me, if he remembers his promise if I just let him know. If I was brave enough to tell everything.

But I was a scaredy cat, I was agonizing about how he would react, what he would think of me after and if it could have a chance to save this marriage from falling apart.

A teardrop rolled down on my cheek as I remembered the time we spent each morning, he would get up early, cook a no-brainer meal and wake me with kisses.

Whispering to me his love and a promise that he wouldn't let me go.

It was painful to remember how we were before this happened. The arguments got old, the things we said that we shouldn't have said, the doubts and accusations, we wore ourselves out.

I started to think that this was all my fault, I shouldn't have doubted him, I shouldn't have kept secrets from him, I should have been more sensitive to his feelings, I should have been more careful, I shouldn't have held it too much and lash out to him.

It could save us, It could have been lighter if I didn't run my mouth and if I didn't push him away.

It would have been better if I listened to everyone's advice but sadly, I'm not that wise. I'm not that strong enough, I'm not what he wanted.

Now he's gone. My favorite person and my safe place, my steady rock. My everything.

He burned out and fell out of love with me.
And I made that to him, I made his life miserable.

His reason is valid, I'm the one who had wronged him. I'm the one at fault. I'm the reason why he can't be happy because I put too much pain and trouble on his shoulder, I was too consumed by my ailing and insecurities that I didn't notice I created misery, I'm a terrible wife. I cannot make him happy.

Maybe I wasn't really meant for him, I'm worthless, damaged and shameful.

He deserved better, he deserved better than me.

I just hope that if things don't go my way, everything will be lighter for him. No more pain, no more drama. I still want to see him live his dream, and I still want him to be successful, even though I'm not part of his journey and part of his life anymore.