Sunset in Paradise

CHAPTER 39 (Chasing Over Him)

*Reina*

April had come and I still don't know how to manage my life without him.

It was three weeks after I signed the papers and decided to part ways with my husband, whom I loved and cared for, now became estranged and my worst nightmare.

I sighed. Who am I fooling?

I set him free because I knew I would only cause him more trouble and drag his progress down. I had to let him go because I'm a burden, I put a huge weight on his shoulder, and I'm the excess baggage that he needs to drop so he can fly high.

I'm the one who's stopping him from fulfilling his dream. I'm so consumed by my feelings and negative thoughts that I forget to recognize his feelings and his dreams. I forgot to ask how he felt and what made him go for someone else to vent out.

Stephanie was right then, I pushed him away, I made him choose someone to comfort his loss and his frustration, and it angered me to think, I was the one who had made stupid decisions and hurt him eventually by not telling him the truth.

And now it's hard for me to swallow the reality I made that I'm the cause of this breakup, I'm the one who ruined us.

It's almost a month already but I'm still clueless, my brain is still processing this all over again.

The annulment was not yet sinking to me before I reached this point. I'd cried so much that there was no one left to mourn for.

I know that should do something to remedy this pain and being alone but, I'm just too sad to accept and let go, I can't move on right now because that means I'm letting the good and bad memories go together with him. And that's much more painful than my physical ailments.

My nausea subsided eventually after three months of suffering, I stopped taking meds and tried to attend therapies in a group to be more social but, my melancholy still pulled me back from where he left me.

It was hard but I'm getting there, at least, I'm trying to get over it.

I also went to some places, where I could find my comfort, to the places I knew would heal me internally but, it only made me feel more agitated thinking I couldn't be happy without him.

It was unhealthy but he was my source of happiness, it was a sick kind of love but I couldn't help it. He made me whole with the imperfection of him and mine, the void that we had was filled with our broken pieces. He's my other half, my better half.

And when he's gone, I just felt so lost. I felt emptier, he took half of what was left in me that I had before, and I felt more desperate and lonely.

I put him in that position, I put him on too high a pedestal, he was my pillar of strength, without him, I'm weak.

That's what I get from loving him too much and my friends even Tita Theresa pointed that out to me, I just blocked my ears and didn't heed them. They said I was so enamored of him that I forgot to care for myself.

What can I do? I'm so in love with him. Even though I know it was wrong to feel too much, I'm madly in love with him.

And I can't hate him, I don't despise him after what had happened, after what he had done, even though he used my weakness to get rid of me.

Using my unstable, fluctuating emotions and mental state but also my physical health as his leverage to crush me, I'm defenseless, I am not okay, physically and mentally. Also, my emotional battle for redemption was on again, but this time, I was the only one taking this road.

I'm still wearing my wedding ring. I knew I should start building myself again after he wrecked me but, my other self didn't want to move, it wanted to stay and wait on the same ground where he left me.