Sunset in Paradise

CHAPTER 43 (Compass) B

*Reina*

I'm having bad dreams again.
It has been a week since my husband came back and decided to stay, leaving his dream behind.

I felt I had stolen his future away from him. I made him choose the hard course again, it is to stay and care for me.

Again.

I'm a burden. I'm a huge blunder on his immaculate character. He chose to save me again, from the deepest, baddest and lowest point of my life.

And I'm scared, too scared to think that if this sickness won't go away, he will lose his heart again. It will burn him out, he will lose everything and be left with nothing to live for.

No reason to live anymore.

I cried out silently as he slept. Agonizing again the same misery I had before.

Why am I like this?
Why I can't be just normal?

I watched him as he snored lightly, his steady breathing and his bare chest rising. He is a beauty, a masculine masterpiece.

And I'm just like a sore thumb next to him. My weight fluctuated from skinny to overweight. I'd gained weight over three weeks, I was so shocked.

I'm not beautiful anymore. I'm ugly, scarred and tainted. For so many times, men had tried to gain advantage of me. My body was not pure, their handprints were scattered all over me. How can he love me this way?

I'm weak, I'm not the best, I'm just mediocre, I have nothing to offer him but tears and suffering.

Scared of waking him, I carefully pulled the blanket off me and gingerly got up, scooted until I found my footing and got out of the bed.

I threw him one last glance before I went out of our bedroom. I stood behind the door and wept.

My emotions were my weakness.

Why?

Why am I like this?

It took a while before my tears ran dry. I was sitting in a fetal position and rocking myself. Then my feet led me to the living room. Scanned the place and stayed there for a few minutes before I found my comfort in the balcony.

I sat there, leaning on the jamb of the sliding door. Watching the night and listening to the nocturnal creatures' vibrating sounds. Standing still as the world revolved.

It took an hour or two. I couldn't keep up with the time when I heard his footsteps. I glanced over my shoulder and saw his body and felt his arms around me.

“Bakit bumangon ka?” he said, whispering to my ear and putting a light kiss on my bare shoulder.

“Hindi ako makatulog,” my white lie.

“Nanaginip ka na naman, 'no?”

I didn't answer. I heard him sigh and pulled me closer, snuggling me into his warmth. “Pwede mong sabihin sa 'kin, kung gusto mo,”

I chose to be quiet and leaned on his sturdy chest. “Wala lang 'to,”

“Babe, 'wag mo nang itago, kilala kita,”

My tears were brimming to fall again. “Bakit ba 'ko ganito, Babe? Bakit ang hirap kong gumaling?”

He didn't speak, but he gently turned me to face him. “Babe, hindi mo kasalanan yun,”

“Pero bakit? Gusto ko na silang mawala sa isip ko, gusto ko nang mag-move on, Pero bakit 'andito pa rin sila, hindi sila nawawala,”

“Sssh, tahan na, 'wag mong pilitin, okay lang,” he pulled me again into his arms and comforted me.