Because Of Her.

75 | The one...shot of happiness.

I arrive to my apartment with a headache and close the door before sitting down on the dark hallway. I walked off here with such difficulty feeling as if someone repeatedly beaten me because of how everywhere my body is hurting. I have been puking for weeks now but I've never felt this way. It is like I am on drugs because of how slow my body has been.

I never had drugs obviously but what I read and saw I am comparing this to that. I put my head in between my hands and breathe for a few minutes. Deep inhale and exhale in the silence of my own space where nobody is going to see me. I close my eyes and put my head on the nearest side drawer while my mind replayed everything that happened.

I puked hell a lot, it wasn't like before. Nothing really stayed in my stomach and God the way it hurt. Although now the pain in my stomach has subside but its just mental pain. I feel like I will have trauma of today. I was looking after myself, trying so hard to get away from food in front of Amy or when I failed and ate —only to rush inside my bathroom, set the water speed at fullest to hide the noise of gagging.

Did all that only to be seen by Liam, the last person I didn't want to find out. Why does it always happen? Whenever I tried my hardest to hid something from him I end up revealing it in the worst way possible.

If I just told his stubborn self normally nothing like today would've happened. I wouldn't have to puke in a café, ruining other people's appetite, letting Liam see my vulnerability and how big of an actor I am.

I kept my tough façade whenever we used to argue, since I found out his truth I was showing him how he doesn't affect me anymore only to let him see the reality of how I was pretending. I was pretending and I think it all shocked me more because in pretending all this I forgot what it was like to be me.

This is me right? A girl who used to cry on smallest part, who can't figure out what is right and wrong for her, who believed people easily, was so gullible and couldn't let go things easily.

This part of me was out today. I cried like a baby in front of him, didn't figure out how wrong it was on following Liam inside that café and— right it should've been —if I had walked out. Believed Selena easily when she said she slept with Liam based on his shirt, was so gullible in thinking he meant his words when he said the dessert is his apology and blurted everything out openly to him when I hit my lowest.

I know what I said; I wasn't drunk when I let it out. I was sober, I was angry, I was tired, I was weak and overall was so done that I didn't stop one bit in ranting my heart out.

I won't say that I am not being ashamed of the things that I admitted in front of him obviously he must be happy right now. Like he said I get easily manipulated but when I ranted those stuffs I didn't say it because he manipulated me. I wanted to let it out. Somewhere deep down I had it inside me for so long that when I saw the opening I didn't stop.

I grabbed the chance.

Sure my body is hurting but there is one thing which is relaxed and it is my heart.

On other times it would've completely stopped due to embarrassment or either running like a fire truck but today it is calm. It is beating like it should be. It is at peace I guess because the weight, the heavy feeling is lifted and it is working without any worry.

I have said so much, things that I hated him for, things that I used to say to my reflection whenever I puked in solitary. No one heard me, it was just empty walls and the sound bounced back in my own ears. It was getting out but inside those four walls I was the only one who had to hear it. It was getting quite heavy for me, a burden that I was dragging.

I am not proud of how I let it out in front of Liam but when I was puking I wasn't alone. He was there, and the aggression that was filled and always found a way out after the session that I used to hear only...today it was heard by him. Maybe that is why I am feeling light inside.