Gulping down the shot of whiskey I let it burn and then attempt to do battle with the demons inside my mind.
Taylor... she's everywhere I look even though I'm sitting on my bed, the door locked on the chaos that's raging in the lounge room.
I hear Mary screetching abuse at my dad and I down another shot and rest my back against the wall.
Taylor... I hear her voice whispering my name as her hands reached for my face and I want to tear out my own brain and cleanse it with bleach, ridding it of every dirty thought or feeling i have about the blond that seems to have found a hairline crack in my armour and is somehow squeezing herself inside of it no matter how hard I try to fight her off.
Her blue eyes look at me as though they see me differently, see me as more than just 'the bad boy' or the 'trouble maker' 'the waste of space' they look at me and into me as though they see Travis, whoever the fuck he is these days, I barely recognise him when I look into the mirror.
Taylor... I remember the way my fingers curled around her hips, the way her skin burned against mine. The way her lips parted as though inviting me to take them and I wanted to, fuck me I wanted her, right there in the classroom doorway.
I take another shot and try to rearrange my thoughts, pushing down all thoughts of her and replacing them with all the ways I can gain pleasure by hurting her.
The rush I got when she gazed up at me in shock as I took the book from her hand was almost as good as any orgasm I have ever had at the hands, mouth or vagina of a girl.
I close my eyes as my head begins to swirl, alcohol beginning to take the place of rational thought. I reach for my phone and click on to Instagram going straight for her profile but all thoughts of causing her damage are quickly forgotten as I click on photo after photo. Each one intoxicating me in a way alcohol never will.
Her smiling with friends, smiling with family, smiling on the beach, smiling in the snow, smile fuckin smile, sparkle fuckin sparkle.
I've just about had enough, feeling sick to my stomach with everything swilling around inside me and add to that the copious amounts of alcohol i have drank I go to put my phone down just in time to see she had posted again.
I straighten my spine and harden my heart as I click to see what she's smiling about now and the image hits me like one of my father's boots to my gut. Taylor smiling in the arms of another guy and I know this fucker. João Furtado from school.
I only know him because I punched him in the face the first day of senior year, turns out he'd heard I was Portuguese as well and he thought we could be 'buds', two seconds later he was flat on his ass and he hasn't come near me since but here he is, a goofy smile in place with both arms around Taylors waist, just where mine had been hours earlier. I wonder if he can still smell me on her skin, my scent warning him off like a fuckin wolf.
The caption just reads 'Sunset with this guy ❤' but it might as well read 'this guys fuckin me tonight' because he's looking at her like she's food and he's ready to take a bite and that has my stomach and my head in all kinds of weird places.
Just a few days ago I wouldn't have given this girl a second glance and now here I am about ready to hunt a guy down and rip his head from.his shoulders for touching her and smiling at her... What the fuck is he smiling at anyways???
And then it hits me, he's not smiling, he's laughing, laughing at me because he has her and he knows I never will.
I will never be the guy to hold her tenderly and whisper sweet nothings in her ear. I'm the guy that would rip her clothes off and make her cum 10 different ways but I'm not the guy a girl like Taylor needs or wants and that causes the feeling in my chest to burn bitterly.
I slam down my phone and then take a swig from the bottle, my father's words replaying in my mind like a mantra 'you fuckin loser Travis' 'You should have been aborted Travis' 'Who is ever going to love you when not even your own mother could, Travis?'
I gulp the liquid down as though it's nothing more than water and then throw myself from my bed to the floor, searching under my mattress for something, no not just something, everything!
I finally find it, a small blue box with silver stars on it. I grab it and hold it to my chest as though it was treasured gold but to me it's way more important than anything money can buy. My hands shake as I slip off the lid and gaze down in the face that is my everything, my mom.
"Mom" I whisper and the word causes my voice to tremble in a way I can't stand so I slam the lid back on and throw it under my bed as someone begins knocking on my door
"Shawnie..." I crawl across my floor and sit with my back against It, my head in my hands "Shaaaawnie" she drawls, obviously just as drunk if not more drunk than I am.
I take deep breaths in an attempt to prevent my stomach emptying it's self on my floor but I can't stop my mind that seems to have taken on a life of its own.
Help me...please, please, somebody help me
Save me, please Taylor, save me from this hell that I'm living, God I'm not even living, I'm barely surviving
