Lying on my stomach on the warm grass I take my pencil and begin to sketch the first thing that comes to mind. Something that makes me feel warm and safe, happy and wanted...
"Taylor..." Austin skids to a stop and lands hard at my side "Is Travis a movie star?"
"No" I say with annoyance, Austin has been star struck ever since the day he first met him
"He looks like a movie star, is he coming to dinner soon?"
"No" my chest tenses at the realisation that Travis will probably never be coming to dinner again
"Is he your boyfriend?" He looks so excited it actually hurts me to tell him no he's not my boyfriend
"Taylor!" I hear my mother's voice from the front of the house " You have a guest" I don't move, don't adjust a hair or uncrumple my grassy overalls, sure Eva or MJ will be coming around the yard but then all of a sudden a 6ft 4 boy, dressed in white sneakers, blue jeans and a magenta t-shirt comes in to view and I almost blackout from shock.
"Travis..." I pant whilst pushing myself to my feet and then realising what a state i look so dropping back down hard onto the grass
"Can we talk?"
I look to Austin and then back to Travis, it dawning on him quickly this conversation may not be suitable for 8 year old ears
"Hey Austin, can you go and feed Thunder for me baby?" I ask with the biggest smile whilst handing out a palm full of candy I had hidden to act as motivation if my energy levels dropped.
"Okay but Travis, can you come and play Minecraft before you leave?"
As Travis promises him that he will I see a sadness in his eyes, a resolutness that what's going to come won't end well and I begin to feel my chest cave in already.
Austin skips his way into the house and I push myself up into a sitting position and for a little while we just sit and look at each other, neither of us saying anything.
"I missed you" Travis' words hit me like a knife into my chest. It was the last thing I expected him to say but as I feel my chest flood with emotion I realise my entire being has been waiting to hear it.
"I missed you too" I manage to breathe out, clutching to the blanket beneath me.
"Do you want to tell me what happend?" He widens his legs and pushes his hands deep into his pockets the way that always drives me wild.
"Nothing" my voice shudders as I speak, giving me away for sure and he drops down onto the grass next to me
"I know it was Eva. I know she said some stuff about me because she doesn't want you anywhere near me and she has good reasons to feel that way" he reaches for my hand and my gut clenches, knowing somehow that something bad is coming "I met her last Summer, at a party, I was there with some friends and wasted as usual"
I try to pull my hand away but he holds it tight in his much larger one, his eyes begging me to listen but I'm becoming more and more terrified of what I'm about to hear
"We had sex Taylor"
I grab my hand away from his grip as I attempt to grab a hold of my mind
Travis and Eva ...
That's why she was so angry
Travis and Eva had sex...
Travis had sex with Eva, my best friend...
No matter which way I say it it doesn't sound right, it doesn't make sense so I push it away somewhere deep inside and then like I always do I pretend it doesn't matter
"Okay" I answer like it means nothing as my heart pounds against my ribcage erratically "Why are you telling me this? It's got nothing to do with me who you do or don't have sex with" I want to run and clean my teeth after saying those words knowing it was Travis and Eva that did it.
"Because she's angry with me and I deserve it but she's taking it out on you and you don't deserve it"
I feel my eyes screaming to cry as I tighten my grip on the blanket, frustration flooding every part of me.
I don't want to cry but I'm about to
I don't want to care about Travis and Eva but I do
I don't want to miss him when he's not around but I did... I really, really did
I look at his handsome face, those full pink lips that taste so good and I know the parts of Eva they placed kisses on first and that provokes the first tear to fall. He reaches to wipe it away but I slap his hand away and then look down to the grass, defeated.
"I had to tell you, I'm sorry if it bothers you but I wasn't sure if she would and I'm not the type of guy to let anyone hold something over me. It was last year, she was a girl I didn't know, it's not cute it's just... it's how I am"
I nod and never lift my eyes. The weight of the last few weeks holding my gaze firmly to the ground.
"Taylor I don't know what's going on here exactly but I'm not the guy for you" I nod again "I'm a walking disaster, I'm going nowhere in life except maybe to jail"
"Don't say that!" For the first time I lift my head up and my eyes lock on to his beautiful emerald coloured orbs "You can be so much more than you think, you just need someone to believe in you"
"What about you Taylor? Do you believe in me?" He reaches out and smoothes his thumb over my jaw line and my entire body shudders "I'm going to go, I just thought I should tell you about... You know" I nod once more as tears drip unforgivingly down my cheeks and I see a look of something sad in his eyes as he clears his throat and then pushes himself back to his feet
"Don't go!" I suddenly blurt out and he spins to face me, his eyes wide with something that looks like hope. "You can't... You uh, you promised Austin you would play Minecraft" His face breaks into a wide, beautiful smile and the butterflies in my stomach flutter into life, I should take it as a warning but it feels so good and he looks so beautiful that I just stand there and enjoy the feeling for a second
"Minecraft date with an 8 year old... who would have thought this is how my dating life would turn out?" We both share an easy laugh and then I take his hand gently and lead him towards the house, at some point during the short trip he intertwines our fingers and smiles down at me almost shyly and I know right then that I'm a gonner. I have feelings for the school bad boy and he's going to break my heart, one way or another.
