*Super long chapter dedicated to every single person that ever felt not good enough
Placing the scales down onto the white lino I begin to prepare myself for the moment of truth. Sucking in a huge amount of air I hold it in my lungs, filling them to the point of bursting for five seconds and then slowly releasing it as I struggle to keep control of my pulse. I eventually find the courage to reach down and press the small, round, on/off button and as I stand up tall, my shaky hands somehow manage to peel off my T-shirt and shorts. Then, standing all alone in the silence of my home I eventually find the courage to take that all important step, the step I pray will take me ever closer to my goal.
The cold glass of the scales feels strange beneath my shaky legs but I stand there with my eyes tightly sealed, my heartbeat racing for what feels like an eternity.
It takes 2 then 5 then 10 seconds before I eventually feel brave enough to lift my lids and look down at the numbers glowing red between my feet. It then takes just a split second for the heart that was pink and light with optimism to turn leaden in my chest and plummet down into my bowels causing bile to flood my mouth.
7 stone 5?
I leap back from the scales as though hit by an electric shock and stare down at the flashing numbers as the room begins to spin above me. I drop to the floor and stay still as stone whilst the blood drains from my face and a cold sweat covers my back.
7 stone 5???
I heave slightly as my vision turns white and the cold claw of panic wraps its self tightly around my throat causing me to see stars and forcing all sense from my thinking.
7 stone 5?????
I push myself back against the toilet bowl and pull my knees up to my chin as humiliation burns bright on my face
7 stone 5 is 1/2 of a pound heavier than I weighed this morning, its 1/4 a pound more than I weighed last night before bed.
For Gods sake, I haven't eaten ANYTHING since then... I haven't drank anything but water!!!
My mind screams in confusion as my fingers claw at my face.
I have just run 5 miles 1 second faster than ever before, how the hell can I possibly weigh more ???????
A darkness begins to close in around me and it squeezes out every drop of optimism or hope I had felt just minutes earlier.
Another loud rumble from my stomach snaps me back to the here and now and my attention is drawn to the enemy forming small rolls between my black sports bra and black underpants.
Pulling my hand into a tight fist I punch my weakness as hard as I can, one time then two then three and four in quick succession.
"Shut up, shut up SHUT UP!!!!"
I force myself up off of the cold lino and head for the stairs that lie opposite the front door and lead up to my tiny box room.
Crossing the beige, carpet of the upstairs landing I push open my white, wooden door and then slam it hard behind me.
Fury ignites beneath my rib cage as tears begin to sting at my eyes. I take three steps, which is all it takes for me to cross my pink and purple striped rug and find myself standing before my white dressing table. The oval mirror that sits above it finally shows me in all of my disgustingness. My blond hair beginning to frizz free of my ponytail . My lips, thin and dry droop at the corners and remind me of a type of fish that I can't remember the name of.
I blink away the burn of tears as I stand there, overwhelmed by the all consuming sense of self hatred that's slowly engulfing the frightened little girl that still hides somewhere deep inside of the darkness.
