Stepping into the shower I quickly grab hold of my strawberry scented body wash and cover myself from head to toe. I want to clean every inch of me, every inch that Travis Kelce touched and every inch that had longed for Travis Kelce' touch.
I try to wipe away the tears that are cascading down my cheeks, mingling with the shower water and then washing over my body
What the fuck is wrong with me???
Why, after everything he'd put me through had I been like every other girl and fallen at his feet the second he showed an interest?
I want to scream at myself for being so easy, for kissing him when he wanted me to, the second his lips touched mine I should have kneed him in the balls but I didn't, I kissed him back, more than that I pretty much mauled him.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint. I have dated guys, made out with guys, sometimes even more but never has my body reacted to a guy the way it did to Travis and I let him see the effect he had on me and now that thought makes me want to be sick.
I scrub at my hips, my waist, the fine layer of hair that covers my centre. God how I had wanted him, even when he had pressed into me, proving me with the contact my body craved it hadn't been enough, I had wanted as much of him as I could possibly get, in that moment there was nothing else in the world except him and I and I sob loudly at the fact that if we had been somewhere less public I would have probably given myself to him.
What an evil trick he played on me to make me want him to so bad and then to just turn and walk away like I was nothing, just like João had done hours earlier.
Stepping out of the shower I wrap myself in a lemon coloured bathsheet and then stand in front of my mirror. My eyes are small and puffy, my nose red, my lips are swollen and I sniff at just how pathetic I look, how pathetic he has made me.
'Is it because you live in a rough part of town?'
'Is it because you live with two alcoholics?'
I blush at the harshness of my own words, I shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't have used those sort of things against him, private thimgs he has no comtrol over but he was provoking me, over and over he said what he knew would hurt me most and I'm only human, I took as much as I could and then I lashed out and in that moment I saw what it must be like for Travis, to suffer and suffer in his home with nowhere to put his anger or frustration and then he walks into school and everybody has a target on their back who can he hurt the way he is hurting?
The shame at what I said is too much and I grab my toothbrush and toothpaste and begin to scrub, trying me hardest to clean away the dirtiness of my words.
Finally happy that I had cleaned away any trace of Travis or my confrontation with him I dress in grey boy shorts and a baggy grey t-shirt I stole from my dad and head downstairs in search of comfort.
"Taylor!" My mom wraps her arms around me the second she sets eyes on me. "You've been crying, come, sit" she manouvers me to the kitchen table and pulls out the seat and I plop myself down burying my head in my hands and crying once again"
"Oh Taylor! Baby!" She sits next to me and strokes my hair as I cry, she doesn't ask what's wrong straight away, she just silently let's me know that she's there and it dawns on me that the woman in Travis' home has probably never offered him comfort of any kind
"There's this boy at school and he hates me" I try to calm my breathing so I can speak but the pain in my chest has restricted my windpipe. "I don't know why, I haven't done anything to him, anyways he's done and said some horrible things to me but then yesterday he kissed me and I kissed him back and then he left me but before that I said some terrible things mom, I'm so ashamed" I dissolve into floods of tears and my mom takes me into her arms soothing and sushing all of the nightmare away.
"Taylor, one part at a time. What has this boy done to you?"
"Just stupid stuff, it doesn't even matter"
"Well it matters if he has upset you so bad"
"I'm upset at what I did not him. I'm upset that I kissed him back when I ought to hate him. The things I said mom, you would be so ashamed of me but he just kept going on and on and I snapped"
"What did you say?"
"Things about his home and his family. I didn't mean it but he just hurt me so much and I lashed out"
"It's okay my darling" she's stroking my hair and soothing me in a way that makes me believe that she's right. "You're a good girl Taylor, I'm sure whatever you said you were pushed to say but that doesn't make it right. Talk to him, apologise and then stay away from him. Definitely no more kissing him. Do you understand?"
"Yes"
"You know that old saying if a boy bullies you it must mean he has a crush?" I sniff loudly and nod "Well never let anyone convince you that it's true. If a boy bullies you it's because he's a bully, abuse doesn't ever equal love. Okay?"
"Yes mom" at that moment my stomach decides to rumble as loudly as possible.
"Are you hungry? Here let me fix you something"
"No thank you I ate before I came home. I just want to go to bed"
"Are you sure? I didn't see you have breakfast this morning either"
"I ate with Eva and MJ when we got to school. I'll see you in the morning okay?" I stand from the table and then wrap my arms tightly around my mother, so thankful for her that I don't think I could ever explain it to her but when she looks up and our gazes meet I know she knows what I was trying to say
"I love you Taylor, you sleep well, everything will be okay I'm the morning"
I just nod and head back upstairs feeling like a weight had been taken off and wondering how Travis would feel if he had someone to talk to like I have my mom who would he be if he knew what it was like to have love in your home.
