I sit on the couch and pull my knees up to my chest trying to sip at the tea my mom just made for me but my hands are shaking so much I keep spilling it on my pink and white plaid pyjama bottoms.
"Take your time" My mom says whilst placing a hand on my knee, her eyes still shining with tears.
I have decided I'm going to tell her what I can without mentioning Travis' part in it all. Carrying the weight of the last month or so is breaking me, I'm becoming a walking disaster and I'm going to end up losing everything and everyone over it, I can somehow see that now when I was so blind to it just the evening before
Travis and Britney keep telling me I did nothing wrong, I just hope my mom feels the same when I tell her what happened.
I sip my tea and try to decide where to begin
"At first he was nice to me, he comforted me when I had an argument with Travis..." I don't let her know about his so-called plan, I know she would never understand not even now I have forgiven him and we have moved on. "But almost immediately he started making comments that made me uncomfortable. He told me I was beautiful and made comments about my clothes"
"Oh Taylor you should have told me!"
She clings to my hand and suddenly she looks so much older than her 53 years and I feel guilt seeping in, this is hurting her, I am hurting her. Maybe I should leave it here, tell her it was all a fuss over nothing, save her from the truth and just keep it all to myself but then just as though she can read my mind she lifts her hand to my cheek
"Talk to me Taylor, I want to know everything my darling, please let me in"
A tear slips over her lower lid and she wipes it away before pressing a kiss to my nose and I sniff loudly, knowing if i start crying now I might never stop
"The day I fainted when I was running, instead of taking me to the nurses office he took me to his classroom, I don't know why but i was scared, he kept putting has hand on my thigh, telling me I didn't need the nurse, I was crying, telling him I just wanted you so he drove me home instead of calling you to collect me. He kept touching my leg, higher and higher than but I was so tired and queasy after I fainted and hit my head that I just let him. I let him mom!"
"It's not your fault Taylor" She wraps her arms tightly around me and she lets out a small sob into my hair "None of this is your fault"
"I should have said no but I was confused, I didn't know what was going on, I didn't know if he meant to keep doing it or if it was accidental, I felt sick and I was in the car with him all alone, you hear so many times what happens when to stupid girls that get into cars with strangers but I wasn't stupid mum, I knew it was wrong I just didn't know how to stop what was happening"
"Look at me" She takes my face in her hands, a tear dripping off the end of her nose "This is all him, this is not you, please, please believe that"
"When you and daddy came to school and he spoke to you and you liked him and believed him that seemed to give him some kind of power over me. If I didn't do as he said he would threaten to tell dad"
"Taylor i'm so sorry. We had no idea, please believe that"
"He caught me with Travis and made me follow him on Instagram so he wouldn't tell. I didn't want to get into trouble for seeing Travis I was scared I would lose him. You should see the way he treats me mom, like I'm the most precious thing in the entire world"
"You are" she whispers "But I don't understand why he wanted you to follow him on Instagram"
"That's when he began sending me messages, telling me to send him selfies because he wanted to see what i looked like that day, wanted to see what i was wearing, he always wanted something more skimpy, more revealing. He wanted me to wear shorts and tank tops when I ran, I was so scared I stopped going running at school but that just made him angry.
Eventually he sent me a message demanding a topless picture" I choke back tears as I remember the fear I had felt that day, terrified to do it but terrified to not "I was so scared, I didn't know what was going to happen next, I couldn't tell you or dad because you trusted Mr. Quinn so much and you didn't seem to believe anything I said anymore, you just wanted to blame Travis for everything but none of it was his fault, all he did was love me" I wipe away a tear, determined to be brave, determined to see this through
"I'm so sorry my baby, we have let you down so badly"
"It was like I was so scared that I was frozen, I couldn't move because I was terrified of what would happen if I did it but I was just as terrified of what would happen if I didn't do it"
My mom wipes a hand across her face and shakes her head
"Did you tell Travis ?" She finally asks
"I couldn't, he loves and protects at 100%, if he found out... I was scared of his reaction. I wanted to protect him from the truth so I could protect him from himself I guess"
"We should have been protecting you Taylor , you shouldn't have felt as though you needed to protect us"
"I finally told MJ, she saw the messages on my phone and she begged me to tell someone, but I was so scared, I know I keep repeating that but..."
"No I understand, I promise I understand, you didn't do the wrong thing, you did the only thing you could, you were so brave Camila"
"I was so weak mom! There was an announcement at school saying I was to go to his classroom and i went!" The memories of that day beginning to break through the walls I had been building between myself and them "MJ begged me to tell Travis but I knew how he would react so I begged her not to tell him, maybe she should have told him, maybe I should have let him stop it"
My mom strokes my hair, her chin quivering as tears stream down her cheeks, I feel my entire body wanting to give in the tears I feel burning in my eyes and the sobs I feel building in my chest but i'm almost there, I have almost admitted the truth to her when I thought I would never admit it to anyone that wasn't there that day
"I went into the classroom and he immediately locked the door. I panicked, I started crying and he was laughing at me, saying disgusting things about me and Travis and getting closer and closer, his aftershave was so strong and I started begging him to get Travis for me, that I needed Travis but he grabbed me and starting kissing me, I tried to pull away but he was asking if that was what I liked, if that was how Travis kissed me.
I struggled mom, i promise i struggled, I hit him and he called me names, I fell and cut my knee and he just stood there and laughed at me. He trapped me on the floor and was laughing at how small my chest is and how Travis had really downsized from his ex. He held me to the ground and forced his hand into my jeans and i screamed so loud, I couldn't believe what was happening to me but i started wriggling and he just said i was making his job easier. I was so scared I could barely breathe but then I heard someone rattling the handle and calling my name. Britney had seen us going in and she knew what he was like, knew what he was likely to do so she was waiting. When he heard her voice he jumped up and ran out through his office and I managed to get to the door, I was crying and hysterical but Britney managed to get me to the bathroom before I completely fell apart"
I'm not sure at what point during my explanation I started crying but as I finish i'm aware that tears are flowing down my cheeks and my chest hurts from sobbing. My moms arms are clutching me to her as she sobs and whispers apology after apology
"It will be okay" she promises me "I know now, I can make it okay"
"How?!"
"I'm your mom, I can make everything okay"
