I type the name into the search engine and press go.
A few seconds pass by and my heart begins to thump hard in my chest with uncertainty
Am I doing the right thing?
I close my eyes in preparation but when I open them my heart sinks to see that my search has brought up zero results.
I furrow my eyebrows and then delete my search and try again
Kizzie Curro Machado...
Again nothing I slam my hand down onto my desk in frustration. Why does everything have to be so complicated???
"Taylor?"
I lift my head to see my mother standing at my door
"May we talk?"
My heart drops even further knowing this isn't going to be a 'how's the weather?' conversation but I nod my head and then shutdown my laptop and wait for my mother to join me.
She takes a seat on my bed and smiles at me and I hold my breath as I wait to hear where this is going
"How are you feeling?" She asked softly as her hand smoothes from my shoulder to my elbow
"Good"
"Have you been speaking to your friends from school? Getting used to being back again, some sort of normality?"
"MJ and I speak every day, it was awkward at first because she blamed herself for some stuff but we talked it out and we're good now" I smile at how our friendship had once again blossomed into something beautiful
"That's great. You need good friends after everything you have been through"
"And I've been talking to Travis" I drop my eyes to my knees as my mothers breathing pauses for a second
"Taylor..."
"We are just messaging, finding out what's going on in each other's lives that's all"
"Dr. Hubbard said dating was to be avoided whilst you worked on yourself"
"We aren't dating right now, we are just talking"
I watch as my mother places both hands on her knees and shakes her head, her disappointment evident
"Travis is good to me mom. He cares about me, he protects me and treats me like the most precious thing in the world"
"But he has problems, as do you"
"That's why we work so well! We see each other and understand each other"
"He didn't see the fact you were starving yourself to death Taylor"
"Yeah well neither did you and you are my mother!" I regret my words immediately as my mom looks as though I just punched her in the stomach "mom I'm sorry"
"No you're right. I should have known"
"Turns out I'm a pretty good liar" I say dropping my gaze again as shame blazes across my face
"Let's not get tangled up in blame though Taylor, we have made progress, you have made so much progress I'm so proud of you"
"And I'm proud of Travis! Mom he moved out of his house, he got an apartment with a friend, he's got a job, he's working on his music. Mom with everything that happened he could have spent his life sat on his butt blaming the world, drinking his life away but he's not. He's working and he's fighting and he's thriving and he's doing that for himself but he's also doing it to prove he's worthy of having me. After everything he's been through we don't have the right to make him feel like he's not worthy of anything"
My mom stares at me for a moment and then picks at the corner of her nail "Just talking hu?"
"For now" I tell her, knowing full well that before long I'm going to want to see him and touch him and kiss him. He's all my mind can think about morning to night
"Okay. Well when the time comes that you are considering moving to dating I want you to talk to me. I will let you date Travis on 1 condition"
I feel annoyance at the way she said she would 'let' me see Travis but I try and ignore it as I raise an eyebrow to ask her the question 'what is the condition?'
"That you date Travis but you date other boys too, you can't be exclusive with him"
"Mom!" I jump up from my seat and almost want to strangle my mother. How after all this time and everything we have been through can she still not see what Travis and I are to each other?
"I need to know it's real Taylor and not just falling back into old habits"
"Real? Mom, Travis and I are as real as it gets. We love each other!"
"Well if that's the case, you won't mind doing as I ask and putting an old woman's mind at ease" she stands up from the bed and I'm not ready for her to go, not ready for this argument to be over but I know that no matter what I say she has her mind made up.
I drop back into my seat at my desk and turn my back on my mother as I fire up my laptop again
"Taylor..."
"I don't want to talk about this anymore" I tell her as I type another name into the search engine and listen to her footsteps as she walks away from me and leaves my room.
Aaliyah Kelce ... Nothing! Fuck!
I try again
Aaliyah Curro Machado... Nothing
Aaliyah Curro... Bingo!
I click on the Facebook page and the face looking out at me is so similar to the boy I love it couldn't belong to anyone else
But how was it so easy for me to find her and Travis couldnt? And then it dawns on me I have never even asked Travis if he had tried looking for them.
I scan through her page and then her information. My hand and heart stopping dead when I get to her location.
Travis had told me he believed they were back in Portugal that's why his mom hadn't made it back for him, lack of money or something but I look at Aaliyah's location.
Orlando, Orlando Florida!!!!
My heard begins to hammer against my ribs as I realise the connotations this has
Travis' mom and sister aren't in Portugal, they are in the same country as him, in the same state as him in fact just over a 3 hour drive from him.
I slam my laptop shut and place my hands on top of it.
Why would his mom be so close and never come for him?
He stayed in that house of horrors waiting, she could have saved him at anytime but she didn't and my mind races with all the reasons why.
