I'm lying alone in my bed, smiling. God I just can't stop smiling.
I think back to just a few hours earlier, to the moments I said goodbye to my girlhood and hello to my womanhood and my God it was perfect.
All those times I saw Travis at school surrounded by girls, the times I heard rumours of the debauched acts he got up to, the times my friends would turn up their noses and laugh at how dirty and depraved he must be never would I ever have imagined that he would turn out to be such a gentle lover so kind, so giving.
I close my eyes and let his soft words replay in my ears
'Tell me if this hurts'... it didn't
'Tell me if I'm going too fast' ...he wasn't
Everything that happened revolved around me and my comfort. He took care of me the way he swore he would. Holding me close, entering me gently and then moving at a pace he knew I could tolerate until his self control gave way and we both gave in to the fire that was raging between us.
He made sure I came first, clutching me to him as though I was the most precious thing in the entire world as I succumbed to the pleasure his body was gifting to me. Wave after wave of ecstasy coursed through me as he whispered into my ears how beautiful I was when I came, how amazing I felt all around him, how this was the first perfect moment in his life.
I can't stop the smile that's causing my cheeks to ache as I step away from my bed and stand before my bedroom mirror.
This mirror has been my enemy for as long as I can remember showing up every lump and bump and flaw, convincing me that I can be taller, thinner, better but today it seems to be kind, allowing me to gaze at my naked form without immediately feeling the need to punish myself.
I see an array of erotic wounds and that just causes my smile to grow. This wasn't a dream, it wasn't one more fantasy about something that would happen to every other girl but never to me. It had happened, I was marked by the realness of it. My neck peppered with red bites marks, the odd purple bruise where he had gripped my hips as he finally lost control whilst buried deep within me.l, closer to my heart than anyone had ever been before
Last night had been perfect, he had been perfect we were perfect. I know people will look and judge and struggle to understand but Shawns just Shawn and he's perfect to me
**********************
I throw my duvet off me and sit up in my bed. I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling this way, so carefree, so light.
I hear my dad and Mary arguing over who drank what and who said what but fuck them both. They aren't spoiling this day for me
I walk to the shower and strip off my clothes, turning on the water I avoid the scalding temperature I generally use to burn my flesh clean. I step under the flow and close my eyes, allowing myself to remember Taylors hands on my skin.
'Baby...' I can't remember her ever calling me that before but now I want it to be the only thing she ever calls me
'Oh God yes...'
I have been with a lot of girls, way more than I should have been with at just 18 years of age but never has a girls touch or whispered voice effected me like sheds. I scrub body wash onto my skin hoping Taylor will be close enough to smell it by the time the day is out
Stepping from the shower I wrap a towel around my waist and head back to my room to change, Mary and my father arguing in their room convinces me I have time to change without any unwanted interruptions
Stopping at my full length mirror I look myself in the face. I'm a coward, a loser, someone that wasnt wanted by their own mother and abused by their own father but she wants me and God how I want her, all of her, always.
Fuck the stupid plan I made with Connor, fuck the fact all my friends think they know what's going on fuck the girls that think pouting and opening their legs will win me over.
I'm a lost cause to them all because the last girl i ever imagimed would mean anything to me now means everything and i know without doubt that there's no going back.
Downing my bitter coffee I don't even bother looking for something to eat before I grab my backpack and start heading towards the door
"Trav..." the voice makes my blood freeze In my veins but she's too far away to stop me leaving so I slam my coffee mug onto the dirty counter and then bolt out of the back door
Heaving a breath of relief into my chest, I smile at the thought of seeing Taylor again at school , just 45 minutes and I will be able to look into her eyes, touch that skin, have her mouth on mine.
"Travis" I spin around to the sound of my name and see Mr. Swift, Taylors father standing with his back to my car.
"Mr.Swift..."
"How are you?"
Part of me wants to believe he gives a shit about me and my life but he's moving from foot to foot and I know this isn't a courtesy call.
"Fine" it's all I can force out whilst I don't know what his intentions are.
"Travis, Taylor told me about your situation at home"
What the fuck?!
"I wanted to speak to you man to man so you knew you didn't have to deal with this alone"
I clench my eyes shut as I attempt to keep the Travis they will hate, the real Travis from meeting him.
She told him...
I feel my fingers begin to tingle with fury
I let her in, showed her the darkest parts of my truth and the second my back is turned she betrays me.
"I don't know what you're talking about"
I push past him, reaching for the door handle, desperate to be anywhere but here, desperate to lose control with Anyone rather than Taylors father but my grip on myself is slipping
"Travis we can help you"
"I don't need your help" I throw myself into the drivers seat and slam the door shut. I see him talking again but turn the music as loud as it will possibly go.
Tearing out the driveway I slam my foot down
"FUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!"
Why did I trust her? Why did I think she was different? Why did I believe for one fuckin second she wouldn't turn on me and betray me like every single person in my life???
I was right when I thought I hated her, I should never have let her get close, I should have trusted my first opinion.
Connor was right, that fuckin fake ass bitch deserves everything she gets
