the game

ken

i'm walking down the hallway towards katie's room. whatever she's not talking about i am going to figure it out myself. i have my hand raised to the door when i hear it.

"i know you like ken, and i know that that must be hard," it's amy's voice. it's not as chipper as usual. it's usually somber.

"it's not just hard amy," i know that's katie's voice but it's so quiet i'm straining to hear. she says something else i can't hear.

"why do you think that?" amy counters. now i want to know what she said.

"isn't it? and it just keeps getting worse. i wish i could just pull my heart out if it were easier! amy every time he's near me it's like there's this energy. this calm. like everything is in its' rightful place. and then i remember he's not on my side. he's my enemy. i think of all of those things his eyes want to tell me, and he was so adamant about last year. ken is in this for the game, the thrill, and the chase. there's no way he wants what i want!" and by the end katie is screaming.

i inch backwards away from the door but then ima asks her something quietly.

"what do you want katie?" it's a simple question. it's so odd hearing amy talk. she's always so out of pocket i never thought she'd be such a good listener. and i didn't think katie would ever open up.

"one day i want to hold hands with my husband and my handful of kids and tell them about this place. about how we had to save the world. and i want my husband to be next to me when i do it. ken will never change sides. he's too loyal to the government to think for himself. and i can't have a man without a brain," katie sounds disheartened.

"why do they have to save the world with you?" amy presses.

"because the world is never going to look the same. and i need someone who understands me. and wants to make the right choice no matter the outcome," these words sound dreamy. "loyalty and honesty are too important to me to waste on someone that tells me have truths, I'd never be able to trust him. it's better this way, i know it is," for some reason these last few words are what curdle my insides. she knows that i lie. she sees right through it. but she is culpable of the same. she doesn't know if we wouldn't work. she's just not being honest with herself. that's what this is.

i walk away realizing i don't want to hear anymore. i want to punch soemthing. how could someone misunderstand me? i'm honest and i'm loyal. i haven't betrayed her yet. and what other reason would i join the guard other than justice. justice and picking the right thing no matter the cost. isn't that what i live for?

and then i stop dead in my tracks, her words etched onto my frontal lobe.

i've done everything for the government. when is the last time i did something just for me?