Jahnnie Oneshots 3☆

"I Don't Deserve You."

TW: mental illness, depression, self-doubt

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Johnnie has been unusually distant from his boyfriend Jake for some time now. Everytime Jake would try and be affectionate, - Johnnie would push him away. Everytime they tried to share the same bed, Johnnie would either ask Jake to leave or he'll sleep on the couch.

Something was going on with Johnnie, and Jake wanted to figure out what it was.

Jake sighed, his hands gripping onto Johnnie's hips as he buried his face into his neck. He was growing increasingly frustrated and concerned. He had no idea what was going on with Johnnie and it was driving him insane.

"Please..." he whispered, his breath hot against Johnnie's skin, "Please tell me what's wrong... I can't keep pretending everything is okay."

Johnnie pushed Jake back, "Leave me alone." As he began to walk back upstairs.

Jake's heart sank as Johnnie pushed him away again. He clenched his fists, his frustration boiling over.

"No," he said firmly, grabbing Johnnie's arm and spinning him around to face him, "I'm not going to leave you alone until you talk to me. I'm tired of this, Johnnie. You've been avoiding me for weeks and I can't take it anymore."

Johnnie tears up. He didn't say anything he just stared up at his boyfriend. His blue eyes full of tears.

Jake's expression softened as he saw the tears welling up in Johnnie's eyes. He felt a pang of guilt for getting angry, but he also couldn't ignore the hurt and confusion he felt.

"Baby..." Jake said gently, his voice filled with concern, "Please don't cry... I just want to understand what's going on with you. I can't help you if you won't talk to me."

Johnnie sniffles as his makeup began to smear into streaks as it rolled down his face.

Jake's heart ached as he saw the streaks of makeup running down Johnnie's face. He reached out and gently wiped away the tears with his thumb, his touch tender and loving.

"You don't have to hide from me, Johnnie," he said softly, "I'm here for you, no matter what. I love you, and I want to help you through whatever you're going through."

"I don't deserve you," Johnnie finally said after weeks of bottling this self-doubt up.

Jake's eyes widened in surprise and concern at Johnnie's words. He gently cupped his face in his hands, forcing him to look him in the eyes.

"What do you mean you don't deserve me?" he asked, his voice filled with worry, "Of course you do. You deserve love and happiness just as much as anyone else. Why would you think you don't?"

Johnnie broke down into tears. He covered his face, "No,no..no..no.."

Jake quickly pulled Johnnie into a tight embrace, holding him close as he sobbed. He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to soothe him.

"Shhh... it's okay, baby," he whispered, "Just let it out. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

Johnnie is muffling his cries into Jake's chest as he is sobbing out the words, "You deserve someone much better than me.. im a stupid piece of shit! I don't deserve you, you're so fucking sweet.. why the fuck would you choose me..? I'm nothing.."

Jake's heart shattered as he listened to Johnnie's words. He tightened his grip on him, holding him even closer.

"Stop that," he said firmly, "Don't you dare talk about yourself like that. You are not a stupid piece of shit, and you are not nothing. You are everything to me, Johnnie. I chose you because I love you, not because you deserve me or not. You are amazing, and you deserve all the love and happiness in the world."

Johnnie continued to cry, "No I don't.. stop being so fucking sweet." He lifted his head as he looks up at Jake. "I don't deserve you as a best friend, a boyfriend or anything.. I don't deserve you."

Jake looked down at Johnnie, his heart breaking at the pain in his eyes. He gently cupped his face in his hands again, forcing him to look him in the eye.

"Johnnie, listen to me," he said firmly, "You do deserve me. You deserve all the love and support I can give you. I don't care what you think, because I know the truth. You are kind, and caring, and so incredibly strong. You are my best friend, my boyfriend, and so much more. You are worth everything to me, and I will keep telling you that until you believe it."

Johnnie didn't say anything this time, he just stared at Jake with black streaks of makeup down his face.

Jake gently wiped away the tears and makeup from Johnnie's face, his touch gentle and loving. He could see the pain and insecurity in his eyes, and it hurt him to see his boyfriend hurting so much.

"Please, Johnnie," he whispered, "Please don't shut me out. I love you, and I want to help you. Let me in. Let me be there for you."

Johnnie sobbed, "Why do you love me..?"

Jake sighed softly, his heart aching as he looked at Johnnie. He gently brushed his fingers through his hair, trying to soothe him.

"Because you're amazing," he said, "You make me laugh, you make me feel loved, you make me feel alive. You have a heart of gold, and you care so deeply about the people you love. You're kind, and strong, and beautiful. I love you because you're you, Johnnie. And I wouldn't change a thing about you."

Johnnie's crying halted into small little sniffles.

Jake smiled softly as he saw the tears stop. He continued to hold Johnnie close, rubbing his back soothingly. "There you go," he whispered, "It's okay, baby. I've got you. Just breathe."

Johnnie hugged Jake close, "I love you.."

Jake wrapped his arms tightly around Johnnie, holding him as if he never wanted to let go. He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of his head.

"I love you too, Johnnie," he said, his voice filled with warmth and affection, "So much. I'm not going anywhere, I promise. We'll get through this together."

Jake held Johnnie for a few moments longer, just holding him and letting him know that he was there. Eventually, he gently pulled back and looked at him with a soft smile.

"Feeling a little better?" he asked, brushing a strand of hair out of Johnnie's face.
Johnnie nodded a bit as he leaned in and kissed Jake softly on the lips.

Jake smiled into the kiss, feeling a sense of relief wash over him. He returned the kiss, wrapping his arms around Johnnie's waist and pulling him closer.

When they finally pulled apart, Jake rested his forehead against Johnnie's. "I'm glad," he said softly, "I'm glad you're feeling better. I hate seeing you so upset."

Johnnie sighed, "I hate my brain sometimes," As he held Jake's hand. "I still think i don't deserve you."

Jake squeezed Johnnie's hand gently, his expression serious.
"You deserve all the happiness in the world, and I'm going to do everything I can to help you see that,"

he said firmly, "Your brain is just playing tricks on you, baby. You deserve love and kindness and support. You deserve to be happy. And I'm going to keep reminding you of that until you believe it."

"Thanks Jakey," Johnnie kissed Jake's cheek. "I love you." As he laid his head on Jake's shoulder and falls asleep.

Jake smiled as Johnnie laid his head on his shoulder, feeling a sense of peace wash over him. He wrapped his arms around him, holding him close as he slept.

"I love you too, baby," he whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of his head.

The end.
1,300 words