I'd called Connor numerous times on Skype and we'd talk for hours. It had already been a week, and the Teen Choice Awards were already over, but more and more things kept coming up, so Connor had to stay in LA for longer.
The day he left, I cancelled the shooting for my third music video and told my producer to put it off until later. I couldn't bring myself to record, at least for a while. The original plan was to record Ease for the third music video, but I wasn't feeling it anymore. Connor wasn't there, so I wasn't at ease.
My room was dim, with only my fairy lights on around my bed, and the brightness low on my Mac. My blinds were drawn, and outside the sun was setting. Scrolling through the "Tronnor" tag on Tumblr, Connor raced through my mind. I thought about him so much. I thought about him so much that I felt myself become obsessed with the thought of him.
Retaining an unhealthy, slouched position in my bed while eating Nutella with pretzel sticks, I scrolled for hours until I couldn't scroll anymore. I had gone through every single "Tronnor" post. I sighed and closed the tab. I noticed that my Mac was at four percent, so I stood up and walked to my desk to charge it, still holding the jar of Nutella with pretzels.
While plugging in the charger to into my computer, I noticed my notebook, containing all of the songs I had written, sitting on the edge of my desk, about to fall off. I slid the notebook closer to the center of my desk to keep it from falling. My hand was still on the notebook once it was in the center of the desk. I turned on a desk lamp and rubbed my thumb against the cover of the notebook, flipping it open. The memories flowed right out of the ink and scratch marks all over the pages. Completely finished songs laid in front of me, with certain lines underlined and highlighted. I began flipping through the pages.
You drive me wild.
Only fools fall for you.
Please don't bite.
I don't keep love around.
Anything hurts less than the quiet.
Tell me all of the things that make you feel at ease.
And then, the pages were blank. I stared at the blank page and tapped my index finger on it, as if to be confused. Sitting in silence for a minute looking at the empty page, I suddenly stood up and scrambled through my desk to find something to write with. Sticking a pretzel covered in Nutella into my mouth, I found a pencil and began scratching thoughts into my notebook. The creation of a new song was about to take place. I wrote:
I miss him, I miss him so much. I want to be with him, and that's all I want right now. I want to hold his hand, I want to feel his lips on mine. I want to be close to him, I want to hear his soothing voice. I want go home to him. I want to be with him. I miss him. I miss Connor. I miss Connor so much.
I stopped there when I saw a tear fall on the page. 'No' I said to myself in my head. 'Don't stop there, keep going.' I looked out the window, watching the sun set ever so slightly, but when I looked back down at the page I was writing on, the tear had dried, leaving a little wrinkle on the page. I smiled and ran across my room to my keyboard. I played some chords and wrote them down in the notebook. Looking at what I had written, I began to sing some words that I felt went together. "I wanna sleep next to you, but that's a-a-a-a-all I wanna do right now." I sang and wrote and sang and wrote through the night. Occasionally, I looked out off the blinds to see how low the sun was, until it was eventually too dark outside to tell how late it was.
It was three a.m. when I finished the song, but it was so worth it. The song went a little like this:
I wanna sleep next to you
But that's a-a-a-a-all I wanna do right now
And I wanna come home to you
But home is just a room full of my safest sounds
'Cause you know that I can't trust myself, and my three a.m. shadow
I'd rather fuel a fantasy, than deal with this alone
I wanna sleep next to you
But that's a-a-a-a-all I wanna do right now
So come over now
and talk me down
I wanna hold hands with you
But that's a-a-a-a-all I wanna do right now
And I wanna get close to you
Cause your ha-a-ands and lips still know their way around
And I know I like to draw at night; it starts to get surreal
But the less time that I spend with you, the less you need to heal
I wanna sleep next to you
But that's a-a-a-a-all I wanna do right now
So come over now
and talk me down
So if you don't mind, I'll walk that line
Stuck on the bridge between us
Gray areas and expectations
But I'm not the one if we're honest, yeah
But I wanna sleep next to you
And I wanna come home to you
I wanna hold hands with you
I wanna be close to you
But I wanna sleep next to you
And that's a-a-a-a-all I wanna do right now
And I wanna come home to you
But home is just a room full of my safest sounds
So come over now and talk me down
Many tears were involved in the making of this song, so in the end I was really glad that it turned out great. I emailed my producer, explaining that I had a new idea for the third music video. I told him to take his time to plan when we could film and how we could film, because I really wanted it to be an incredible video.
After that, I texted Connor a long message:
"Hey Connor, it's only been a week, but I miss you like mad. Call me when you can." He responded almost immediately. "I was literally about to text you the same thing." The brightness of my phone lit up my face as I smiled. Connor called me soon after. "Hey Troye."
"Hi." My voice sounded extremely raspy since it was very late. "Wait, Troye, what time is it there?"
"Three a.m."
"I'm hanging up."
"Why?"
"You need to sleep, Troye." I heard Connor laugh a little. "Yeah, I probably should, but I want to talk to you."
"I want to talk to you too, but it's so late. You need to sleep."
"Okay I'll call you when I wake up."
"Sounds good."
"Bye."
"Wait! Before you go...."
"Yeah?"
"How was the filming for your music video? You never got around to telling me."
"Oh, yeah, we still haven't filmed it."
"What? Why?"
"I just haven't been up for it."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know, I'm still figuring things out."
"Okay, well tell me right when you do, because I want to know all about it."
"Haha, don't worry, I will."
"Alright then, bye Troye."
"Bye." He waited for me to hang up, and I did. I didn't realize until now, but I was exhausted. I locked my phone, without even plugging in the charger for it to charge over night, and crashed into bed. I then drifted to sleep, still thinking about Connor.
