How long has it been? Because I've honestly lost track. So much, more really too much, has changed these past few years.
Love's a tricky thing, and through my lack of being in a relationship this past year, I've been thinking. I've been inspired. With pools full of tears and lots of emotional pain, I've been able to understand my feelings better than ever.
I've been in love. I know what it's like to lose your breath just at the sight of someone. I know what it's like to get jealous when someone else rests their eyes upon that one person, even if you know they don't feel anything. I know.
Troye is living with Jacob in Los Angeles. I live in Los Angeles.
And now that we're physically closer than ever, I don't see him anymore.
I think the worst part of ending a relationship is losing an entire person. Isn't it crazy how close you can be to someone, and from that go to being complete strangers? It's sad.
I don't hate Troye. But I'm afraid of him. I'm afraid of seeing him at a store, or at a bar, because I know the moment I do, all of the memories will come back. It's not the fact that him and I aren't together anymore......I miss him as a friend. Regardless, I don't think I'd ever see him anywhere without Jacob. Or at least, I thought.
I found myself in a small thrift store one Sunday afternoon. I was looking for some new pins, but after losing amusement from the pins, I moved on to the sweater section. I never really wore our beanie, I would just take it out with me for the rare occasion that I would see Troye. But today, I was wearing it. I took off our beanie to fix my now very flattened hair, and then put it back on towards the backside so the front stuck up just the slightest bit, giving me a sort of natural quiff.
My finger skimmed over the cold metal rims of the hangers. I pulled out a sweater and lifted it up with my arm to get a better look at it. When I lowered the sweater, there in the same isle, stood the curly haired boy with the ocean blue eyes, and with no surprise to me, Jacob Bixenman next to him. I glanced at Troye a few times, but he didn't seem to notice me. My hands were shaking. At this point I just needed to do it. There was no point in being afraid. This person I had loved for so long, and hadn't spoken to in more than a year was here now. We were in the same space.
The first step to getting over someone is forgetting about them. Giving back their possessions. I guess it was time to move on. If he already has moved on, there was no point in me holding on. I took off our beanie, fixed my hair the best I could with my fingers, and began to walk over to Troye. As I walked towards him he looked up, "Connor?" to avoid him noticing the tears welling up in my eyes, I looked down at his hands. "It's your turn." I said, placing the beanie into his two empty hands. I walked away quickly, as I noticed Jacob was getting a little heated. I understood his stance, I was protective over Troye too, he had every right to be.
I knew I was leaving a trail of tears as I walked because as we both knew, there would be no more "turns".
By the time I'd walked out of the store the tears had become streams. Now, it was over. Maybe it ended for him over a year ago, but only now, it's over for me.
I've been in love, god, have I been in love. Like that sucker punch to the gut, head over your heels deal that people always seem to talk about. Yeah - that.
I'll keep that as a note to self.
