Special thanks to @secretive_sivan for helping to restore my motivation; I love and appreciate you.
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I've been on tour for over a year now. Thirteen months, specifically.
Connor and I had gone our separate ways.
I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I thought about him sometimes. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him. I was over him.
The Suburbia tour was coming to a close and I was finishing out at my last city, Atlanta. Man these guys were wild. Atlanta was always my loudest city and it was probably one of my favorite crowds.
I got to the venue early to get prepared for the show. Before eight am, there were already fans in line. 'Damn,' I thought, 'dedication.'
I had to go straight inside the building, but my family and Jacob went outside to greet fans. Everyone was obsessed with Tyde.
Jacob and I had been together for a while now, and we'd made it pretty obvious that we were together at this point. Something about Jacob and I was different though, we weren't as advertised as when Tronnor was a going concern. It's as if people didn't really care as much. I wasn't sure whether I liked it or not.
When I entered the venue I found myself on stage, alone, in front of the microphone. I sang a little to myself into the mic to get warmed up until I felt a pair of hands fall on both of my shoulders. I felt a small shiver run down my back. "Hey there." Jacob's hands rubbed my arms as his deep raspy voice crept into my ear. A smile grew on my face right before I turned around to kiss him. He was so hot.
"So what's the set list for tonight?" I asked my manager. He started reading me all of the songs that were going to be performed. "For hi-" I stopped him. "Take it out." I said. "What?"
"Take it out."
"For him?"
"Yes, just...take it out. Please." My manager gave me a blank stare. "We can't just take it ou-"
"Why not?"
"Fans love it, Troye."
"Okay, but Jacob doesn't." I can't believe I just said that.
After hours of rehearsing and prepping for the show, the time had finally come to perform. Dua Lipa had opened for me and she'd absolutely killed it. I was still going to perform "for him."
When I walked out on stage I felt it. The rush. The anxiety. The joy. The nerve. The passion. Atlanta was so loud. I looked up to my right and saw Jacob, my parents, and my manager all sitting together. Jacob winked at me. I blushed a little.
As each song I sang came to an end, I felt the dread. I wasn't ready to sing "for him." I didn't want to. But why didn't I want to? For him was the most thought out, love filled, fun, upbeat, exciting, jammed out song. What was the issue?
My voice was sad when I sang. My eyes were heavy. The piano set the mood. I almost lost my mind during the third verse. For him was the most thought out, love filled, fun, upbeat, exciting, jammed out song, but it clicked. The reason I feared singing the song was because every time I sang it, I thought about Connor. The song was for him. It was for Connor. It was his song. Forgetting was so hard. I couldn't understand why this was hitting me like this. Connor and I had been through for so long.
But if there's one thing I've learned through my past with Connor, it's that love will never make sense. Everyone interprets it differently. No matter the circumstances, the heart has reason that reason doesn't understand.
