Author's Note:
I suggest listening to "I Was Made For Loving You" by Tori Kelly and Ed Sheeran while reading this chapter :)
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The night I got home from the bar was the night I finally broke down. It wasn't too late, probably only half past twelve, but my eyes burned as if I had stayed awake all night. It couldn't have been the alcohol, I'd barely had anything to drink. At the bar I took a sip of my drink, then proceeded to spit it back out. Sometimes my own thoughts clouded around in my mind.
Troye and I were in my bed, and he was asleep. I sat up and pressed my back against my bed's head rest. The head rest was extremely cold against my bare skin, but I could stand it. Sad, random thoughts were clogging up in my mind, which made no sense to me. I'm such an optimistic person. I know that I'm extremely positive myself, so why do things like this happen? I cuffed my hands around my face and shuffled them around, pressing down slightly harder around my eyes. I sighed, trying to calm myself down.
For some reason, every sad memory happened to be flashing into my mind so suddenly. It wasn't long before I sniffled, feeling tears descend from my eyes. I tried to be quiet about it, I didn't want Troye to wake up to me like this in the middle of the night. But of course, I was not quiet enough. Troye groggily planked, his arms supported him since he had been lying on his stomach. "Connor?"
"Hey, Troye. I'm so sorry, you can go back to sleep."
"No....no I definitely will not." I wiped away some of the tears from my face and sniffled. Troye sat up quickly, and leaned against the head board, mimicking me. "What's wrong, Connor?"
"I honestly don't know. I really don't know." I was looking down at my hands, but I could feel Troye looking at me very intensely. "Well, you need to talk to me about it, I'm not just going to ignore this."
"So many things are racing through my mind right now, and I don't know why."
"Tell me what's on your mind."
"Okay well........my mind is just being overly negative right now. The memory of dropping out of college just came into mind, and the thought of how disappointed I was making everyone.....it just....it's a lot."
"I didn't even apply to a college, Con." I tried to smile, but I couldn't. Troye began to speak again. "Think about it though, everyone is so supportive of you. Your family, your friends. We all love you so much. We just want you to be happy."
"And I understand that, but there's more. What if this YouTube thing doesn't work out for much longer? What am I going to do?"
"Connor, your audience will always be there. No matter how long you're gone for, or even if you disappear forever. It would be a good idea to give your audience an insight as to why you're leaving or taking a break, but they will understand, they have to. If they really do care about you, waiting will not be an issue."
"You're right.............but what about the more personal things?"
"Like..?"
"What if you and I........what if you and I part ways....or-"
"Stop right there." Troye cut me off. He began again, "I'd be the dumbest god damn person alive to break up with you. And you, if you were to break up with me, there would definitely be a reason behind it. If you broke my heart, it would be an honour. Connor Joel Franta, it already is an honour to have you in my life. It's an absolute honour to have someone like you love someone like me." I looked up at Troye, and then back down at my hands. "I'm just afraid of change in the future." I mumbled, just loud enough for Troye to hear. Troye's hand appeared on my shoulder. He rubbed it with his thumb, trying to comfort me. "Here's the thing: the future shouldn't be anything scary. You should be excited to see what comes next. And if something changes, it had to of changed for a reason. You, dropping out of college to pursue YouTube, look at you. You're doing what you want. Without you dropping out, I wouldn't be here talking to you right now. We fear change because we're so comfortable with what we have already. Change is so out of our comfort zone because we don't know what is to come of it. It's a surprise, and it's unpredictable. We just get so attached to what we're comfortable with, so when something changes, it feels so drastic, when really, it could be the best thing that we're offered. Some of us aren't ready to accept it yet, and that's okay. But the day you learn to be comfortable with what life has to offer, let me tell you, that will be the day your life begins."
Now I was crying, not from the utter sadness I was feeling, but from how beautiful Troye had put that into words. 'He was pretty something.' "Thanks Troye, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You really know how to make me feel better, I appreciate you."
"But I'm not done," he started back up. "I love you, and I love you, and I love you, and I love love love you. And no matter what happens between us, I will still love you. Do you want to know why? I'll tell you why. Because you, you're a miracle. You choosing to be with me, that's a miracle. I honestly don't know what to do, but all I can say is that I was meant for you. Because you're my weakness."
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Author's Note:
(Skip over this if you don't care about my personal life)
Sorry if these are annoying lol.
I posted a conversation note earlier, but I don't think anyone saw it haha XD
Either way, I really wanted to thank everyone for everything. The comments on my last update "This Is Not Part Of The FanFiction" were so heartwarming. Some of the comments even brought me to tears.
I really put my heart into this chapter, because as some of you know, a lot of the things I write about are real life experiences, and for me, it's a great way to share and get it all out.
I love all of you dearly, but I do feel as if I need a break from this FanFiction. I'm not saying I'm going to end it, but I'm also not saying that I'm not going to end it soon. With every update I post for this fic, I fall more and more in love with it, and I don't know if I'm ready to end it yet.
The emotion I felt from what happened yesterday really inspired this chapter, so it kind of fell into place on its own.
I don't know how long it's going to take me to update next, it really depends on what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. It may be this weekend, next week, next month, or even tomorrow! Who knows? I certainly don't XD
Thanks for sticking around, and I will definitely see all of you very very soon.
~ HeyThatsMyOTP <3
