Undefined Love

Chapter 52: Lost Soul

Chris Oct. 7

"Why?"

I licked my lips still staring in her eyes.

"What?"

"Chris don't do this."

"What? I don't know what you're talking about Ray'vn."

She sighed. "Why did you try to kill yourself?" I didn't want to go into detail with her about any of this so I tried to leave.

"Ray'vn I have to go. I have to go eat dinner. I'll-"

"No Chris. You're not running from me! What happened to you telling me to stop running? Look at you now. Talk to me, please," she begged.

"I'm scared. Growing up, I never once thought my life would end up being like this. I knew death would follow Ray'vn, but not like this," I sniffled. "You know me! The real me! I don't want to keep living like this. I lost everything already, why not end it while I have the chance?"

"Chris stop! Don't say stuff like that. The both of us are going through a rough time right now, but you don't see me-"

"STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE YOU'RE A SAINT NOW, ALRIGHT?! You fucked up too!" "Don't you dare sit there and turn things on me." "I'm not doing anything, but I'm not gonna sit here and listen to you give me advice as if you magically have the answers to everything."

"That's not what I was trying to do Chris. I've just gotten to a point where I have to just accept things for how they are. I've already been dealing with enough, you think it's gonna make it any better without you?"

"My Grandfather took the easy way out."

She stopped talking.

She stared at me. She had such an intense look in her eyes that it made me not wanna look at her anymore. My stomach felt- I don't know. At that moment I came to realize the tables turned and there was now a role change between Ray'vn and I: She had become the dominent one and I was now the small, fragile opponent.

"So you're saying it was right for your grandfather to give up the way he did?"

I began thinking about old times, replaying the good memories that were still imprinted in my mind.

"I don't know anything anymore Ray'vn."

I'm not the type to cry about his feelings, hard shell or not, but at this point I cared about nothing. I just let go.

As I laid there, I wondered how different my life would be if my Grandfather hadn't left or if my Dad hadn't made the changes he did. I felt like I was getting stabbed in my heart.

"Chris," she whispered.

I looked up at her.

I could see her demeanor change and automatically knew why: The color of my eyes had changed.

"I love you Chris."

I breathed deeply.

"I love you too."

She looked down now. Then she looked up. I saw her shake her head then stand to her feet and walk off.

A few seconds later I saw my Dad sit in front of the screen.

I put my phone down and turned away from him.

"That's fine. You don't have to look at me. Just listen."