Undefined Love

Chapter 33: Guilty

Chris' P.O.V

How?! How could I let this happen?! 

How could I let the desperate need of survival make me so blind? 

I wasn't there. I wasn't there. 

The one fucking time she needed me most I wasn't there! 

I found myself in the same place I had been just days before. I sat there uneasy that you would think I was some psychotic drug addict. There was no way that I could find the light people say is at the end of the tunnel. 

Not with her in there.

I don't know what the fuck is gonna happen when she sees me now. What will things be like after this? Only time could tell. What man leaves the one woman he truely cares for lonely and cold? God knows I didn't expect it to happen. I'm so lost in my mind, I don't even know how to find myself. "Chris, Chris," someone said. I looked up at J. "Here. Drink this man. I know you're tired, but you have to at least get something in your system." "Fuck food man. How the hell do you think I could possibly eat right now?! I need to know that she's alright and these people aren't telling me shit!" 

I stood up ready to hit somebody. 

I wanted to break something. 

I walked to the bathroom then washed my face. The person I saw in that mirror was not me! What happened to me?! 

I paced back and forth. My head shaking as if trying to soften my thoughts. A few seconds later I stopped. No one else was in the bathroom yet I still heard voices. Not a single person was outside the bathroom either. 

Am I really losing my mind right now? 

I left the bathroom and went back to the waiting area. J walked up to me as soon as I got back. "She woke up," he sighed. Oh my God, thank you. "What did they say?" "She coughed up a lot of blood coming from the house to get here. She's super weak. She doesn't wanna eat anything. She barely talks. She's scared man. She keeps getting stomach pains and- I don't know man. She's not good." 

I was blank. 

Nothing about me felt normal. Nothing around me was the same. "Why did we leave her J?" He crossed his arms and shook his head then looked down. 

"They said we can go see her. I don't know if you wanna see her first..." 

I looked down the hall behind me wanting to rush off and go in there to hug her and let her know that I'm here and I'm not leaving her alone again. Never. 

But I know it's not gonna work like that. 

"Yeah. Yeah. I-I'll go." I gave him a hug then left. 

In all honesty, I swear I haven't been so scared to face anything in my life. 

I didn't see her yet or even talk to her and my eyes were already watery. I finally opened the door. She looked away from the tv. I could definitely see the sad and scared emotion on her face. But it wasn't for long because I could see she was trying her best to not make it obvious that she was now mad from seeing me as she looked back at the tv. 

I shut the door and stood there. Ten minutes had to have gone by. Nothing. 

"Ray'vn," I whispered. 

She looked at me. "I'm sorry." 

She sat there staring at me. She took hold of the small flower pot sitting on the side table next to her. She held it to her lap for two seconds. Then she threw it at me with such force I still don't know how I dodged it.