Undefined Love

Chapter 62: I Need You, You Need Me, & I'm Sorry

Jeremy

"Why the fuck would you tell him that?!"

She stood there playing with her fingers.

I slapped her arm. "Ow!" "I'm talking to you!" "Leave me alone Jeremy." She tried to step past me. I moved in front of her. I grabbed her shirt and backed her into the wall. "Look, I'm not Chris. Make sure you understand that. He may put up with your bullshit, but I'm not for it. I can gladly put you in check very fucking quickly."

"J, let go of my shirt!"

"Chill out, now."

She started kicking me. "If you don't stop..." She continued.

I made a promise to myself that I would never put my hands on a girl, or even a woman. I kept that promise to myself for a long time and I wasn't gonna go back on it now.

Instead of hitting her, I pinched her continuously.

"J stop!"

"No! You wanna sit here being big and bad and acting like fucking kid, I'm gonna treat you like one!"

She finally stopped kicking me; instead, she was bawling crying.

"Okay! J please, stop! I'm sorry."

I stopped.

My Dad came up behind me. "We need to go talk."

"Go to my room, and don't bother Chris. You hear me?"

"Fine, but what about my phone?" "I'll get it later Ray'vn, damn. Just do what I said."

She rolled her eyes and stomped off.

I sighed heavily and walked outside with my Dad.

I hope I don't end up having to check him either. I had to deal with enough foolishness for one night.

Ray'vn

I was going to J's room like he told me to, but I had to walk by Chris' door to get there. When I walked by, his door was open. I don't know why I said the things I did. Of course I meant it, but-

I need to get myself right. I can't keep doing this.

I peeked inside. He wasn't facing the door. He sat at a desk with Karla in his lap. "Chrissy st-st-stop crying," she said wiping his face with her small hands. She kissed his cheek. He turned back up the music he was playing. I stood there peeking in through the crack where the hinges are, listening to him sing. Karla sat soundly in his lap, staring at him. He nuzzled her from time to time, the two sharing small laughs every now and then.

Out of nowhere, J grabbed my shirt from behind dragging me to his room.

"Are your ears clean? That wasn't my room."

"I know it wasn't. I just- nevermind." He shook his head. "Where's your stuff?" "All of them are in Chris' room." He groaned in annoyance. He pointed his finger at me. "Since I gotta treat you like a fucking kid now, I'm walking you there. Don't talk to him; don't say nothing about anything. Understood?"

"Fine, whatever."

"You better watch it."

I followed him to Chris' room. I stood outside the door while J went in to talk to him. He came back out, telling me I could go in. J sent Karla to bed. Chris still sat at the desk, letting the music play meanwhile I got my stuff. He sat with his head down. J stood by the door watching my every move. When I finished, I turned to let him know I was ready. He motioned for me to go. I put my hand to my ear to remind him of my phone.

"Chris, let me get her phone man?"

J waited where he stood for Chris to give him my phone.

Instead, Chris rose from the chair and stood in front of me.

I held my head down. I could feel him standing over me. Chills began taking over my body. Goose bumps savored my arms instantly.

He slid his hand under my chin. I closed my eyes. He raised my head; my eyes remained closed. "Why can't you look at me," he asked. I didn't say a word, nor open my eyes. He moved his face closer to mine. His lips brushed against mine. I whipped my head sideways, biting my bottom lip. "What's wrong," he asked again, this time his hands slowly locking around my waist. I pushed back out of his grip. My breathing picked up. "I thought you didn't want me here? I thought you wanted me gone? You're not running away from me, so you have to need me."

"I d-"

My words were shortened when I looked up quickly. I screamed when I caught his eyes. Grey.

I failed trying to run out the room; he stood in front of me.

I closed my eyes tight.

He picked me up by my legs and pinned me to the wall. "Chris put me down," I pleaded, my eyes still closed. He kissed on my neck. I pushed his face away. He held my throat. My eyes shot open.

"Tell me again that you don't want me in your life." "Chris, let me g-go." He pushed my head into the soft walling. "Tell me you want me dead!"

"No!"

He slapped me.

"Tell me!"

I squirmed frantically until he let me go.

I pushed past J, leaving my stuff lying in Chris' room, and ran to Jeremy's. I laid on the bed, bawling until J walked in.

He sat next to me on the bed.

I looked up at him.

"What's wrong?"

I sat up.

"It's not funny Jeremy!" "Yes the hell it is." I wiped my face with my hand. "You're only fucking yourself up even more Ray'vn. You ain't never gonna be able to take back all that stuff that you said to Chris, but you can't keep denying him. Right now, he's the only real soulful love you got whether you like it or not. You yourself know he's had his share of fucking with your emotions and hurting you in a million ways than one, we all know that, but that don't mean you need to clear him of the short life he's had. That kid ain't shit if he ain't got you, and you know you ain't shit without him, whether you have Ray and everyone else or not. You entitled to your own feelings, but ask yourself Ray'vn-- do you want to and can you really live your life without Chris?"

J stroked my hair.

I said nothing.

"You just don't want to take the bait for being a part of the reason why you're hurting the way you are. Stop continuing to put the blame on everyone else when you know damn well that you're just as accountable; we have our flaws, yes, but don't put the blame on everyone except yourself."

I lay my head back down on his pillow.

J kissed my forehead then left.

I looked to the sky, and asked the Father why?

Was this supposed to be my wake up call to life?

In saying that, I did the one thing that I haven't done for as long I can remember: pray, and I hope that in due time, my prayer would be answered.

Comments, comments! (Next update coming after I get six.)