Eclipse of Hearts ✔

37. Letting Go [Thorin]

Thorin descended the stairs. He did not know to where it would lead, nor where he was coming from. He heard a breathing that wasn't his own and when he looked aside, he petrified. 

It was her. Her dark brown hair waved over her pale shoulders and covered her collar-bones. Her soft green dress hid most of her body and she watched him from under her long eyelashes. 

His throat felt dry. He tried to tear his glance away from the purple gems that were her eyes, but he couldn't. 

"I miss you."

The whispering movements of her lips led away his attention from her bewitching eyes, but still he felt like a hopeless prisoner. 

She stretched her arm and took his hand in silence, moving down a step carefully. 

"Push her," a voice sounded. "Push her down."

He looked over his shoulder, but there was no one to be seen. The voice sounded familiair, although he wasn't able to identify. The voice didn't confuse Alyssae. Was it only in his head? 

Slowly he shook his head. He didn't want her to leave. He felt - something. Something more than anger and melancholy. 

"Listen to me. She will bring you back to the drawing board."

The words went by. He stared at their entwined fingers. Her hand felt warm around his. He knew his body was just as cold as his heart. Nobody had ever been able to warm that. Except her. 

"Why are you here?" He pulled back his hand when he realized he followed her as a tame sheep. Suspiciously he watched her. 

"Because you want me to be here."

Her innocent face was misleading. She had spilled the blood of his worst enemy. She had spilled her own blood amidst everyone. 

Wildly he shook his head, but he stopped when her hand touched his cheek. Breathless he stared at her, he could collapse at any moment. 

"This is your dream, Thorin. I'm here because you want me to."

Thorin wanted to push her away. He wished he had listened to the voice for he didn't want to surrender to all the feelings she called up. His breathing quickened and he clenched his fists, but Alyssae grabbed his hand and spread his fingers. 

"Let go of your anger." 

Her touch felt like a blow in his stomach. Spontaneous tears welled up in his eyes. Even in his dreaming world she hadn't changed. She still told him what to do and he didn't want to listen. He knew the tears wouldn't stop as soon as they left his eyes. 

"No," he grumbled. "It's not the anger I have to let go." He seized her wrists and pushed her forward. "It's you."

He let go of her and watched her falling down. She didn't scream. Her beautiful hair was floating around her head, until she disappeared from sight. Thorin stared down, but it was too late. A tear ran down his cheek. 

. . .

Thorin cursed when he found out his pillow was wet. Had he really cried in his sleep? He sat upright and touched for the bottle next to his bed, that was not sealed. He put it on his lips and took some gulps, but it did not change the empty feeling. Frustrated he raked a hand through his hair. 

Things had gone well for a really long time. He barely thought about her and nobody reminded him of her, but in the darkest hours of the night, when he had to surrender to his own mind, she returned. 

With his back he leaned against the cold wall. He could see her face so clearly it made him feel sick. He considered to summon Aymara to expel his thoughts, but he didn't want anybody to see him this way, with traces of tears on his cheeks. Furthermore Aymara wasn't really helping. She was pretty, but not as splendid as Alys...

He squeezed his eyes. As that damned elf. He cursed his own weakness. One stupid dream and he lost his mind. He wanted to break down something, but there had already been so much repairs in his rooms that he feared they would consider him as a maniac when he demolished something else. Although they probably already did. He brought his hand to his mouth and bit on his knuckles when the memories tried to overwhelm him. This time he saw a cocoon, in which they sat so close he could feel her breath touching his skin. They were arguing, as usual. He blamed her that they would be eaten by a spider and she reminded him that he had hold her himself. He hadn't been willing to let her go. 

He kicked the stone wall next to him and the pain flashed from his toe to his knee. Cursing he squeezed his eyes, but he reached his goal. The pain chased away the memory of her and he stood up and stumbling he went looking for a new bottle that would make sure it would stay that way during the rest of the night.