Eclipse of Hearts ✔

Chapter 51. [Alyssae]

Alyssae noticed she was even more nervous than the day before. He was no longer drunk. When he stepped on her heart now, it would even hurt more. 
Although the cook had donehis best with the eggs they had bought on the market in Lake town, they tasted awfully. For a moment she considered to keep her portion for Thorin, but then she realized he probably felt horrible, now there was nothing to flush away his hangover. 
"You can eat it." She shove her plate to Dwalin, whose appetite never ended. 
She walked to her own cabin, took her comb and asked in the galley for a sponge, a bucket of water and soap. He wouldn't like what she was about to do, but he was still bound. He had no choice.

When she came into the hold, he was already awake. His eyes were more alert than the last time she had seen him. She started to sweat. The smell of alcohol had faded a little, but there was something invisible that tried to keep her away. 
Without saying a word she placed the bucket next to him. 
"What are you going to do?" he asked with a husky voice.
"Making sure I will recognize you a little," she mumbled. 
After those words she dipped the sponge in the water and brought it to his face. Thorin turned his head away, frowning angrily, but he could go nowhere. 
"Do you have to do this? It's embarrassing."
Alyssae sniffed. She placed his hand against his cheek, so that he could no longer turn his head away. With the sponge she wet his forehead. "What you said to me yesterday was more embarrassing."
"What did I say?"
She looked into his eyes, noticing he had really forgot his words. "You said nobody fucked better than she did and that whatever I was doing felt like shit."
She rubbed his face more roughly, leaving red welts behind. He tried to turn his head the other way, but she held him tightly. Somehow she expected to see a cynical grin on his face and she scrubbed his lips until the feeling disappeared. He sniffed and spitted out the soap as soon as she let him.
"Is it true?"
"Does it matter?" he grumbled, without looking at her. "I shouldn't have said anything about uit."
She lowered the sponge, staring at him. "Does it matter?" she whispered. "It hurts when someone talks so impudently about you. Especially someone you... love."
Alyssae wanted to make that clear. She had always loved him she would probably always do. 
"I am changed."
"You think I can't see that?" she jeered at him. 
Thorin said nothing. He watched how she took a plat of his hair and combed it harshly. 
"You should have moved on, instead of... this."
"How can I ever move one when you turn Erebor into a hell? You locked up Balin! Kíli and Dwalin fled. And why? Because they said something about me. I still love you Thorin, whether you want to believe it or not. That's why I'm here. To keep you away from that horrible bottles so that you can find back yourself."
"It wasn't the alcohol that made me unhappy," he huffed. 
She combed his hair so roughly he grumbled. 
"No," Alyssae answered softly. "That was me." She held her breath for a moment and watched his face. She looked at the blue eyes she had fallen in love with. At his lips that she had kissed passionately. At the shape of his chin that her fingers had touched so often. At his dark eyebrows, that frequently had frowned ominously. "And now I'm back."
"It's too late," Thorin sniffed, staring at his feet. 
"That is not my fault," Alyssae mumbled. "If your friends hadn't burnt my letters, none of this would have happened."
He looked up again. "They wanted the best for me. We couldn't maintain contact. And..."
He started to mumble wrathfully in his native tongue. Slowly he realized that he was betrayed. He kicked into the air. 
"It doesn't matter anymore," he said in the end. 
Alyssae noticed he was avoiding eye contact, although he had done that most of the time. 
"I am a murderer. They even call me a rapist. You deserve someone better."
She took a deep breath. Nerves waved through her body as if she was hit by lightning. 
"You are more than that, Thorin. You are also a father."