Eclipse of Hearts ✔

23. No Longer Alone [Alyssae]

Although various questions burnt on her lips, she kept herself in control. The dwarfs were so exhausted she showed them her bed, so that they could rest. She closed the door as soon as they had fallen on the matrass and sat down at the table. She supported her head with her hands and stared despondently forward. She could barely comprehend the message she had just received. Thorin had, more or less, changed into a monster. 

"What should we do now?" she whispered, spreading her fingers across her belly. The last thing she wanted, was telling her child that its father had gone mad. If there would ever be a child to talk to... Maybe the child had felt the madness of its father and had chosen not to visit this world. 

Only by nightfall Dwalin and Kili awoke. Alyssae insisted they cleaned themselves in the bathtub in the adjacent room. All this time Alyssae sat at the table, ripped apart by doubts. She hated her life as it was now, for she could do nothing and was only waiting. Waiting and waiting, while it was maybe in vain. Still she lacked the courage to let the child be removed. 

"How are the others?" Alyssae asked when the dwarfs came back.  

"Bombur and Bofur already left last year. We haven't heard a word from them since." Kili stared at his fingers. "That was not very encouraging for the others."

Alyssae watched him with a worried face and then sighed. "I don't understand. What changed Thorin so much?"

Kili shrugged. "He barely looked at us since the moment he ascended his throne. He surely felt ashamed and only talked to other dwarfs. And to be honest - I don't trust all of them. I dare to state Balin has said something about his counselor, after which they put him in jail."

"And now? Do I have to go to him and talk with him?"

Kili shook his head steadfast. "No. Save yourself the pain. It's too late." He bit on his lip and Alyssae felt a twinge when she saw his pitiful look. "He has someone else, Alys. I'm sorry."

Although Alyssae had been afraid of that, the tears jumped in her eyes. She knew he had never been in love before he met her and it hurt that he had replaced her so easily. 

"I don't think he loves her," Kili said carefully, "but he's not sleeping alone."

The thought of someone else keeping Thorin's bed warm seemed to cause the first contractions. She shrunk. 

The dwarfs however seemed to be surprised by her reaction. "But you have someone else as well, don't you? Congratulations."

A tiny smile was visible on his face, but it disappeared when she shook her head. "No. It - it's his."
She stared at the ground and a tear slipped through her eyelashes. "The healers think it's no longer alive, but I don't want them to remove it. It was - it was the only thing that kept me alive."
She felt ashamed of her words. She felt weak for willing to end her life. It wasn't because of Thranduin's and Fili's deaths, nor because she was so far away from Thorin. She just had the feeling no one understood her and she couldn't enjoy the things around her any more. Every day she woke up with a sigh, wondering how she would go through this day, knowing that melancholic feeling wouldn't go away. 

"I am so glad you are here," Alyssae whispered when she felt two arms around her. "It feels like I have retrieved a piece of myself." She wiped her cheeks and leaned against Kili. "I have sent him a letter right after you left." 

He brushed her hair. "He hasn't received it, Alys. I don't dare to state that he would care if he heard the message today, but back then... he would have left everything behind to be with you and your child. That's one thing I do know."

"I have sent more than one letter," Alyssae mumbled. "I even sent you a letter." 

Kili was silent for a moment, before she heard his grim voice next to her ear. "Vaughn."