Eclipse of Hearts ✔

Chapter 104. [Alyssae]

Alyssae stared at the ceiling. The last days she had immersed herself in the preparations of the wedding to escape the doubts. At night, when there was nothing to do, they however bit her.
Sometimes she was sure about it. She had to suffer for a year, but after twelve months she would be able to hold Fíli and Thranduin in her arms again. She could marry again, this time with Thorin, without four years that he would give rein to his passions with someone else.
Still she knew the risks were enormous. She had been through so much that it was naive to think everything would happen as she planned - but it was hard to imagine something that could go wrong. After all, Thranduil's wife had nothing to do with her or the dwarfs. Things would only change from the moment they traveled through Mirkwood with the dwarfs and since then her life had been so horrible things hardly couldn't get worse. 
She turned on her side and sighed softly. Suffering for another year - that was easier said than done. She missed Thorin more than she wanted to admit. After living four years without him she had believed she could handle this, but sometimes his absence was so heart rendering the tears ran down her face. She knew she hurt him more than she could ever imagine. She had chosen the ones that were taken away from her over him. She could only pray that he understood her and trusted her - believing that she did everything that was in her power to create a future that was more beautiful than it could ever be in this time. 
It felt like her memories wanted to push her the other way. Razor-sharp she saw herself and Thorin, dancing in the halls of Mirkwood. That place was only a few steps away. She saw herself beneath the starry sky, where they had made love for the first time, and all the times that had followed, bringing forth Niamh. She did not know whether that memories would still exist in the future. She believed they would – she clung unto it, but she had no full certainty. 

Alyssae arose early, although she did not know what she wanted to do today. She never went far from her new home, afraid she would run into Eldinòr again. Despite everything, she felt guilty about their last conversation and she regretted the way they had gone their separate ways.
She wanted to speak with Aymara, but the guards kept her outside and they had even wounded her arm when she had tried to get past them. Thranduil had forbidden her to see the dwarfs. He didn't want his future wife to keep herself busy with dwarfs, so she had to bear the coming year. If they would expect a baby so soon, for elf children were rare and it were mainly love-babies that were quickly fathered. In that light there was a chance she wouldn't be pregnant within a century. She rather not thought about that prospect, but that was a real and high price she had to pay. Then she would give up her life with Thorin. She intended to leave after a year, although she doubted Thorin would even look at her. But he had to, she believed. He had done awful things that she had forgiven and she found he needed to do the same.