Eclipse of Hearts ✔

Chapter 68. [Thorin]

He hadn't known what to say to Dwalin and Kíli - and Iorwen as well. Of course he regretted some decisions he had made, but he didn't want to drag everything up and glide back in that deep dale of self hate again, from which he just started to climb out. 
"I guess I'm out of chances," Thorin said softly. It was true. He no longer wanted to be king. Now that he was with Alyssae again, he felt better than he had done in years. Others would undoubtedly make fun of him for giving up his throne for a woman, but that was not the reason. Only terrible things had happened in Erebor and distress seemed to be locked up in all the chambers. Wherever he went, he would always remember the mistakes he had made.  The lives that were lost, the lies he had believed in and the terrible things he had done to escape the emptiness. 

Although he planned to stay away from his hometown a while, he would soon have to return to finish some business. A tough talk with Vaughn awaited him and he had to prepare the coronation of Kíli. If his nephew indeed wanted to take that responsibility, for Thorin hadn't found the courage yet to ask him. He would do so later. For now it was sufficient to sat around the same table and that they heard his apologies. He hadn't begged for forgiveness, assuming none of his former friends could already do so. 
Thorin understood Dwalin didn't want to wait any longer. Ever day that went by , was one that felt endlessly to Balin, locked between the cold, wet walls that held the smell of death. It was no place you let someone wait, and certainly not a friend who had done so much for their kingdom. Thorin had no idea what had came over him when he had thrown his old friend in the dungeons, but he did remember the insisting whispers that had encouraged him. Vaughn. 
Only the thought of that man ignited his anger again. He may have saved his life, but after listening to the words of Kíli and Iorwen, he understood that was the only thing the dwarf had done for him. He had burned Alyssae's letters, assigned Aymara to replace her, and Kíli even claimed that he had wanted Dís to die, so that all advice except that of Vaughn was gone. Thorin felt ashamed of his blindness. He had fallen for it, seeing evil everywhere except in the one who had really drawn his own plan. 
It was important the dwarf left Erebor as soon as possible, even though Thorin still had the feeling Vaughn's presence still had a better influence on his people than Thorin had had. Even more the captain was heading for Chyndall now. It was better to stay some days there and sail back, than to get off the ship and wander through the wilderness for months.
"You'll get new chances." Iorwen smiled. "And you're not on your own."

Thorin stared at the table top. He didn't like to accept help. Certainly not of the people he was already indebted to - and that group seemed to grow every day. He looked up when Alyssae sat next to them. She mumbled a greeting, but her thoughts were far away. After the coxswain had left to search for Niamh,  she tried to understand the reason why her friend had sent her the letter. Hesitating Thorin laid his hand on her leg. He couldn't tell her that everything would be all right, for he just didn't know. Nobody knew why Alyssae had to come home immediately and actually he could only think of negative courses, one even more horrible than the other. Alyssae had been through so much lately, and he wondered when it would become too much for her, no longer being able to carry another burden, that he - nor anyone else - could take over from her.