05 February 2016
RJ closed his eyes and tried to recall a good memory. Something that will take away the fear. Something that would make him go on. Something that will make him live. Someone worth living for.
All he could think of was her. Maine. Her smile. Her infectious laughter.
He opened his eyes and took a few breaths to steady himself. Save your time and energy for the descent, RJ. Move.
Hours passed and they finally reached the base camp. They barely stayed at the North Peak, choosing to just rest for an hour. We were all eager to go home.
By the time they reached their hotel room, RJ realized that the adrenaline just drained out of him and he felt emptier than ever.
He turned and addressed Sam who was already planning to go to bed. "We got back from Mt. Huashan. We conquered one of the most dangerous treks in the world...and yet, why does it feel like it was nothing?"
Sam sat on his bed and carefully observed RJ who was starting to pace the room.
"Because doing this doesn't really make you happy, RJ. It never did," he honestly said.
"Doing this has always been my dream," RJ said. "This is what I've been searching for...an adventure worth telling."
"Happy ka ba?"
He reeled as if struck. He stopped pacing and looked at his hands. "I...I don't know. I'm not sure what I feel..."
Sam sighed. "Why don't you look into your heart and try to figure it out? What do you want? Who made you realize what real happiness is? Who made you feel like the adrenaline rush that you get from your adventures is nothing compared to the feeling of happiness?"
RJ remained silent.
"Can you honestly say that you'd prefer doing this for the rest of your life?" Sam continued.
"No," RJ said immediately. He knew that he had to stop at one point; especially when the thrill of traveling to another country or experiencing new things wears off. He didn't really see it as something he would do forever. And that scared him.
What will I do then? He suddenly thought of the moments he shared with Maine. The time when his mother was still alive and healthy. The laughter and smiles on their faces. Priceless memories that may never happen again in the future.
It was at that moment that he realized that going on adventures, searching for the next big thing, never made and will never make him happy. Sam and Maine were right, it never did. Happiness wasn't merely achieving something or obtaining a particular goal. It was recognizing and appreciating what he has now, and basking in the little moments.
"Do you love her?" Sam asked, startling him. They all knew who he was talking about. I eventually told them about Maine a few days before we left for China...days before Maine and I said goodbye.
"It's easier not to love her," RJ said bluntly. I can't stop thinking about Maine. Going on an adventure should have made it easier. It doesn't. It just makes me miss her more.
Sam looked at Jerald who was standing near the front door, shaking his head in pity.
RJ sighed and continued. "But..."
"But, what?" Jerald interjected.
"I don't know if she'll still want to see me. I just left her. I made her think that I would never choose her."
