It was six months after I proposed to Maine when we found out that we were having a baby girl. I can vividly remember sitting by the patio one cold morning, talking about baby names.
Do you have a name in mind for our baby girl? Maine asked me as she laid on my chest, my arms around her as I rubbed her baby bump.
Ano sa tingin mo sa Charmaine? Combination ng pangalan natin, Nicomaine and Richard, I told her as I gave her a kiss on the forehead. She clapped her hands in joy and nodded.
I wish we could have just stayed in that moment. It was those type of moments that I continue to yearn for till today. The ones where everything just seems to be at peace. When all that mattered was how much we loved each other. Nothing else.
Sadly we cannot go back in time.
April 17th 2007. That date will be stuck with me for the rest of my life. It was the night that my life was completely turned upside down.
We were planning our wedding while we had a baby on the way. To say that it was a chaotic time would be an understatement. We were picking venues while doing a baby registry. Maine and I had to go to a food tasting and then a doctor's appointment right after. It quickly became too much for me to handle.
One night while we were having dinner at our favorite restaurant, Concha's, when Maine started a conversation about our wedding. I suddenly became agitated and nervous. I felt my sweat trickling on the back of my neck. My hands felt clammy. I just wanted to run away. Little did I know, it was a conversation that would change the course of my life forever.
Babe, nakausap ko yung wedding coordinator, and she talked to me about all the things that we had to do before the wedding. Sabi niya kailangan na natin pumunta sa florist to finalize the flower arrangements. Tsaka nga pala the guest list has to be finalized na daw by the end of the week dahil yung calligraphy daw for the invitations takes awhile. We also need to find a venue for our rehearsal dinner. Oh by the way, I also got a call from the doctor and he said that I have to come for a check up. Plus, we also have to go to stores so we can finish our baby registry. Maine held my hand and looked at me nonchalantly, while munching on calamari.
I was shocked at everything she just said. I stopped eating and looked at her. Maine, hindi ka ba napapagod? Ang dami nating kailangang gawin. And also ang dami natin kailangan bayaran. Malapit ka na manganak. Kailangan ba talaga nating magpakasal ng ganun ka bongga? Can't we just postpone the wedding till after you give birth?
I started pulling my hair in frustration and was jiggling my legs, trying to find a comfortable position.
Plus nagdadalawang isip ako Maine. Hindi ko alam if ready na ako sa lifelong commitment na eto. Ang bata ko pa Maine, ang dami ko pa gustong marataing sa buhay. I don't know if I'm ready to to be a husband and a father!
I felt so stupid after saying that. I didn't mean it that way. I tried explaining but she was too outraged to hear me out.
Anong ibig mong sabihin na nagdadalawang isip ka? Walang nag-force sayo na pakasalan ako, Richard. Ikaw ang may gusto nito! Because you said na you wanted to make things right. Ang unfair mo naman Richard! Bakit biglaan kang ganyan?! I gave you the chance to break up with me nung nalaman natin na buntis ako, but you said hindi mo ako iiwan. And now, sinasabi mo na hindi mo na alam ang gusto mo?! How dare you?! So ano, napilitan ka lang ba na mag propose sa akin dahil sa baby at hindi dahil mahal mo ako?! Maine screamed while she was grabbing her purse, getting ready to leave.
I took her hand and tried to stop her, Hindi ganun ang ibig ko sabihin, Maine. I just that sobrang bilis ng mga pangyayari and sobrang na-o-overwhelm na ako. I feel like I'm by pulled to multiple directions and places all at once. Hindi ako sure kung kaya kong gawin lahat ito ng sabay sabay. Pero sure ako na mahal kita, mahal na mahal,. I want to marry you dahil mahal kita and ikaw ang gusto ko maging kasama habang buhay. Pero natatakot ako, Meng sa mga pwedeng mangyari.
She looked at me, eyes red-rimmed and said, Okay I get it, pero ayaw ko na pakasalan mo ako if napipilitan ka lang. Ako din, Chard, natatakot. Sobrang takot ako na baka we're making a mistake. Pero alam ko na as long as nasa tabi kita kakayanin ko lahat. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. She pulled her hand away from me, closed her eyes, took a deep breath and walked away.
I don't know what came upon me to say those things to her at that moment. I was just overwhelmed and frantic. I was not sure if I was capable enough to take on the responsibility. I did not want to disappoint her nor her parents. I came from a broken family, I did not want that for our daughter. I knew how painful it was to live under a roof where all I heard were my parents arguing so I did not want history to repeat itself. If only I could take back what I said, I would. But words are feathers: easily scattered, impossible to be gathered.
I could remember the sound of her voice during our last phone call. After she left the restaurant, I gave her a call to apologize and to ask where she was headed.
Babe, I'm sorry! I did not mean any of it. Sobrang confused lang ako, but I know for sure na I want to marry you. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. Gusto kong maging nandyan para sayo at kay Charmaine. I know na I'll make mistakes along the way and hindi ako magiging perfect husband or father, pero I will try my best. Nasaan ka? Susundan kita! I told her as I got into my car. I was worried because of the heavy rain.
She began talking and said, Hold on, let me put you on loudspeaker. Okay, you're good. Okay lang, Chard!. Naiintindihan ko. Naguguluhan ka lang and pinangunahan ng takot. Oh god, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko without you. I love you so much and I forgive you. I ----
CRASH.
I can still remember the sound of the shattering glass. The sound of her scream. The ambulance and loud screams of people around her. The loud sound of thunder.
Tears started streaming down my face. I bombarded her with questions. I started screaming her name into my phone. I got nothing .
The rain was heavy, but the amount of rain was incomparable to the tears running down my eyes.
April 10th 2007. This date will be forever marked in my head.
It was the last time. The very last time, I heard her voice.
