I drove. I didn't matter where I was headed. I just needed to drive. It's been another month. Planning, calendar tracking, computations and doing what it takes just to have a baby is taking its toll on me.
Even though Maine and I were having all the sex we can to make a baby, it just doesn't seem to be working. It shouldn't be this hard to have a baby. "Fuck." I slammed my fist hard against my car dashboard.
Right now, I felt like I would make an outburst. I might explode. I didn't want to hurt her that's why I took this drive.
I am angry.
I am angry at myself. I am angry with the situation. I didn't want to stay at home because I might displace the anger I as feeling on her.
It was like the world was spinning so fast that you couldn't control anything that was happening. The fact that I don't have the power to make things work was increasing my frustrations.
The drive to wherever I was going was as smooth as it can be. There was no traffic, no road commotion or nothing that could make me even remotely angry, but here I was, angry with the world, angry with myself and angry with everything I come in contact with.
Earlier, Maine knew that something was bothering me. She knew how unusually quiet I was. My silence only meant one thing and she knows that. She's afraid of me when I'm angry. I mean, who wouldn't be afraid. They kept saying I'm the kindest person on earth and yet the most common saying about the nicest people applied to me. "The most quiet ones are the scariest ones." It's true.
I can never hurt Maine. I won't be able to forgive myself if I do. That's why I drove off. I needed to blow off some steam.
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"Anong nangyari?" Maine rushed to my side when she saw me from the door as I got home. I had a bruised eye.
"Wala to. Forget about it." I said. She saw the look on my face and she knew that pushing through the subject would just make me angry.
"Halika nga dito." She pulled me towards the kitchen, grabbed the ice bag in the freezer and placed it on my eye.
"I'm sorry. Napaaway ako sa bar. I wasn't drinking much and I wasn't drunk. I just needed a shot." I apologized because I wanted to, I needed to. I love her and I just couldn't keep any secrets from her, especially things like this that normally don't happen.
"It's ok. Alam ko. Di ka amoy alak." Maine said. She held my hands as we sat on the kitchen bar stools.
"I love you. I'm sorry." I looked at her. I'm still angry with myself for not being able to have a baby but my love for her never dissipated because of a simple stupid reason.
"I love you." She smiled. I kissed her. And soon enough, we were making love on the bar counter tops.
I'm just hoping that this time, the pregnancy test goes positive.
