Author: @yxtxe
Prompt: "I'm miles from where you are, I lay down on the cold ground and I, I pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms."
Prompter: @dislovelymelody
A/N:
Upon reading this, keep in mind that writing this was a mere representation of my (our, maybe you too irl) ex.
–Inconsistent.
Enjoy.
"Dad! Dad!"
"Wala ka talagang kwenta!" he said as his fist careened into his jaw sending him sprawling across the floor.
The metallic taste in his mouth told him he was bleeding; the red droplets hitting the floor confirmed it. Hay, eto na naman.
This is the point where he should be getting angry.
Where he should be reaching into that deep reservoir of energy, standing up, and fighting back-- just like how he thought he should do. Kasi tangina eto na eh. Eto na.
But then why is he still looking at these droplets that kept falling one after the other? Why is he not fighting back? Bakit? Why can't he lift his head and face his attacker? Bakit hindi niya nalang bugbugin to? Paduguin ang bibig? Patayin sa galit? Bakit hindi niya nalang gawin eno? Bakit hindi niya kaya?
An unnaturally powerful kick connected with his ribs, a loud crack. Horrible pain followed as he tumbled across the floor until the wall embraced him.
"Akala mo ba magaling ka ha? Akala mo ba kaya mo na ha?" he spat the words to him as if they were venom. "Ang taas ng tingin mo sa sarili mo pero ano ka? Duwag ka!"
Ganito nalang ba palagi? He wanted to ask him.
Papayag ka ba na ganito nalang palagi? He asks himself.
Even though he couldn't see him, for apparently the wall was far more interesting, he knew he was smiling a sadistic smile. He doesn't know how he knew, but he is. He always is.
"Hindi ka na nahiya! Puro nalang kahihiyan dinadala mo sa pamilyang to!" his voice echoed throughout the room. Family. It hit him. "Ang tanga tanga mo! Sa'n ka naman dadalhin ng lintik na pangarap na yan?!....
Wala!"
"Dad–" he finally said it. Dad.
"Heh! Tigilan mo ko! Ano, aalis ka? Iiwan mo kami ng mga kapatid mo?!"
As he began to take slow measured steps towards him, he tried to place it. It was so familiar yet, he was sure that he never heard it before. "Wala kang kwentang anak!" -- a slap.
His boot connected with RJ's face snapping him back to reality as his head banged against the wall and stars filled his vision.
"Tapos ano ha? Sasama ka sa babae mo?!"
"Dad–"
"Sa tingin mo ba kaya ka niyang mahalin ha?!"
"Dad... Dad please..."
"Sige nga! Bakit nawala ang mommy mo?! Kasi puro ikaw nalang ang inintindi niya! Puro ikaw nalang nang ikaw!" He was crying.
"Parati nalang ikaw! He saved you and you killed me when she died! Pinatay mo ang nanay mo! Hindi mo siya tinulungan! Anong klase kang anak!"
Another kick. Ano kaya mo pa ba?
"Sa tingin mo magaling ka?! Sa tingin mo ba may ipagmamalaki ka na?! Putangina wala! Wala!"
Another kick, a little harder than the last. Tangina ano kaya mo pa ba ha?
"Wag kang mag-mayabang! Ang kapal ng muka mong mag-mayabang!"
Another kick. Ang sakit na. Lahat. Masakit. Aray. Ayoko na.
"Tignan mo sarili mo!"
He was laughing now, a horrible perverse, degrading laugh.
"Talunan ka! Wala kang kwenta! Walang magmamahal sa katulad mo!"
Another kick, a little harder than the last again. Tangina. Tangina. Tangina.
At this point he was pretty sure that he didn't have any teeth left, or much of a rib cage either. Pero nasanay na siya eh. Nasanay na siya na wala na siyang nararamdaman pagkatapos. Masakit sa una, sa gitna, pero sa huli.. Wala na. Hindi na niya maramdaman. Nasanay na siya eh, sa mga hampas, suntok at sipa ng tatay niya. Nasanay na siya sa mga paninisi, panunudyo at pangmamaliit niya. Nasanay na siya. Sometimes, he thinks that he's so used to the pain that there was a certain degree of comfort in it. Tipong kahit dito man lang, maramdaman niya ang mga haplos ng kamay nito. Marining man lang niya na matawag siya nitong "anak".
Tignan mo ko sa mata at walang ibang makita kundi.. Ako. Ako at ako lang. Ilang beses niyang gustong sabihin.
"Hinding-hindi ko matatanggap na dahil sayo nawala ang Mama mo. Hindi ko kayang tanggapin na dahil sayo nawala siya." He sobbed as he abruptly fell onto his knees.
He wasn't sure if he was enjoying this or if it was a twisted form of tough love. He reasoned that it had to be a little bit of both. Why else would his dad take the time to say all these things? He wish he'd just beat the crap out of him in silence. His words hurt more than his actions, to be honest.
Tangina, gustong gusto ko ng lumaban. I wanted to stand up and throw myself against him with all the pent up wrath I knew I had, but I couldn't. I couldnt.. Hindi... Hindi ko kaya. He said in his dark thoughts.
Something about his words just rang too true and he wished fervently that they didn't. He wished that they weren't true, He wanted to change all of it. He didn't feel like he was trying to hurt him despite what he was doing.
But... He was right.
No one could ever love me. No one could ever see that I could do wonders with the things I do. No one will ever take care of me.
Because I already killed her.
I killed my mom.
