Maine
I don't know if I should be doing this, but there's something about Alden that makes me want to either run away or hold on to him. He says he wants to be my friend but I wasn't quite sure what I wanted him to be.
"I want to ask you something," he says as he hands me my coffee before jumping on the empty seat in front of me. I shrug as I inhale the scent of my favorite drink, turning to look at him. "Hey."
"What? I'm listening."
"I want to take you out," he stills as he says the words, my eyes narrowed at him. "Wait. Grabe, violent reaction agad."
"Take me out?"
"Yes. Tara, let's go to the park. Do stuff. Things like those. Gawin natin yung mga bagay na gusto mo gawin."
"Why?"
"Anong why? Kelangan ba may reason lagi?"
Alden's brow furrows in confusion and he stares at me intently, like I was a puzzle waiting to be solved. His elbows meet his thighs as he leans forward, chin tucked in his hands while he stared at me unabashedly.
"Live life Meng. Paniwalaan mo naman ako kahit minsan, pwede?" He tells me and there's a part of me that wants to believe it. "Maine, seryoso."
Live life? It's the most ill conceived advice I've heard from people but from him, it sounds so sincere. He makes it look like it's easy to do, even if I've been trying to do it every time the world tries to pull me in. Alden looks at me with the kindest eyes I've ever seen on a man and it makes me feel things I haven't felt for a while.
"Okay," I tell him and he stands up from his seat, hands outstretched. I stare at him. "Wait, what? Ngayon na?"
"Tara. Sabi mo, okay. Let's go."
He's still holding his hand out, waiting for me to take it.
"Now? Really?"
He shrugs as I let myself be pulled from my seat. Alden has the energy and excitement of a child and it makes me laugh and it reminds me that there are small things to hold on to.
"No better day, but today." He says as we leave the coffee shop.
I must be crazy for doing this, I think to myself as he drags me towards the park, nestled in between the high-rise buildings of this concrete jungle. I can hear the sounds of some indie band playing as people milled about, with children spinning around and falling on the grass. It's a pretty sight and Alden nudges me gently, his face filled with happiness.
"Anong ginagawa natin dito?" I ask him as I scanned my surroundings. It looked like a festival of sorts, with people clumped around tables and picnic baskets, of families laughing together. I used to love festivals–but now, it reminds me so much of the people that I've lost and my mind is screaming, telling me to get away. "Alden, ang daming tao."
"Alam mo minsan maganda din kasi lumabas," he says as he wraps his hand around mine, tugging me to move forward. I freeze for a bit, letting this strange feeling consume me. "Maine?"
I can feel the anxiety creeping in, this crippling, overwhelming feeling threatening to consume me. There are people around me, of that I know, but it makes me feel like they're all caving in, like the darkness that consumed my thoughts. There isn't anything to fear, but there's always a part of me that struggles to come to terms with it.
"Maine?"
"Can we go? Alden please, alis na tayo," I can feel my hands shake and my heart is thundering in my chest. All of the people are looking at me and they're staring like I'm the loony chick who's gotten out of rehab and they're judging be because I probably look insane. Alden holds on to my hand and he leads me towards an empty space in the park, one that seemed to be abandoned and left behind.
"Anong nangyari?"
There are things that even I could never explain. I sometimes feel like I'm not me, and there are times when I wonder if I should be even out in the real world. It's crippling, to be this way, but my mind conjures up these fears and I feel chained and trapped in myself.
Today though, there's a hand clasped around mine, trying to bring me back.
"Maine, anong nangyari?"
I shake my head, not knowing what to say. Alden wraps an arm around my waist, looking at me as he asked for a silent permission. I nod and he engulfs me in his arms, his body warm and comforting, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt like me.
That night, I spent half an hour in the bathroom, staring at a bottle of sleeping pills. I used to wonder if it was an easier way to die–guzzle down half a bottle and die in my sleep. It appealed to me for a while, up until today, when Alden hugged me and I felt that maybe, there's a little bit of something to hold on to.
I open the toilet and dump all the pills before flushing them to oblivion.
Alden
FR: Alden (arichards@gmail.com)
TO: Maine (mcmendoza@gmail.com)
SUBJECT: Hi
I really just wanted to say hi. :)
--A
FR: Maine
TO: Alden
SUBJECT: Re: Hi
You're weird, you know. Kinakausap naman kita.
--M
FR: Alden
TO: Maine
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Hi
Alam ko. But with what happened earlier—
I'm here you know.
--A
FR: Maine
TO: Alden
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Hi
Ang laking promise yan sinasabi mo. Wag mo akong paaasahin kung hindi mo kayang panagutan.
--M
FR: Alden
TO: Maine
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi
Grabeng hugot ha. I won't leave you. Sabi mo friends na tayo. I don't like leaving friends.
--A
FR: Maine
TO: Alden
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi
That's what everybody says. Good night, Alden.
--M
