Maine
Ten o'clock. Dr. Agoncillo's office. She's a pretty lady, probably around her mid-forties, with a face that matched her sunny disposition. It's our fifth meeting today, and even if I don't want to do this, I won't deny that it might have helped me. Even for a little bit.
"How are you, Maine?"
"I'm fine, thanks for asking," I sit on my hands, both of which were twitching nervously. I'm never good at small talk, much less with a shrink trying to analyze me.
"You seem happy today."
"I guess?"
"How are your nights?"
Remember when I told you about the nightmares? I suppose it's shifted now because what used to be remnants of a made up car crash in my head has turned into a man walking away from me. For nights, I've fought myself wondering who it was until he turned around and I found myself staring back at Alden.
He still has the kindest eyes even in my dreams.
I've always tried to run after him, but he was always too fast, too far out of my reach. I've completely given up on it, and even in my dreams, I've lost another person in my life again.
"You miss him, don't you?"
"Yes."
Dr. Agoncillo smiles at me. I wonder if she smiles at everything and everyone because that must really be exhausting.
"You mentioned he still checks up on you," Dr. Agoncillo starts and I nod my head thoughtfully. "How?"
"Emails? Text messages?"
"How about calls?"
I shake my head. "No calls."
"No calls or you don't want to answer them?"
I narrow my eyes at her. I don't recall paying a visit to the local mentalist because as far as I know, I made an appointment with my psychiatrist. She smiles at me again and I sigh.
"I... don't answer them. It makes it easier for me to not hear his voice."
It keeps me from missing him that much.
"He still cares about you, Maine," I can hear the pencil scribbling away in that annoyingly yellow notepad of hers. "He cares about you and I think you should let him do that."
"I hurt people all the time."
"You hurt them when you hurt yourself," she says. Dr. Agoncillo is smiling, but I can see her eyes watching me like a hawk. I have a nurse who's living with me after my "accident" from a few weeks ago and I'm under strict instruction not to be left alone. She says a guy has paid her for this and I'm pretty sure I know who it is. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call suicide watch.
"Alden deserves someone more than me," I tell Dr. Agoncillo but she only smiles, shaking her head.
"You don't get to decide what others feel Maine," she says and my chest feels like it's about to explode. I storm out of her office a minute later.
Alden
I did the thing that scared Maine the most–I ran away from her.
I tried to stay with her days after she cut herself. At first, it was okay. But I couldn't help but look away every time she changed her bandages and I could see the cuts she's inflicted on herself. I thought I was strong enough to face her demons, but I guess there's still a part of me that's scared of them.
I'm not perfect. I'm not strong, I'm not perfect, and I definitely am not a hero in this story.
I told her that I had to go back home for a while because my family needed me in the province. Maine isn't stupid, of course, but she simply nodded her head and told me to enjoy my trip. I told her I was going to be gone for a week. I was now on my third week away from her.
"Alam mo, dapat binabalikan mo yun eh," my brother Dan hands me a can of beer, bumping it together with his. "Cheers."
"Cheers." I mutter half-heartedly as I drown myself in alcohol. I miss Maine, but I don't know if I'm ready to see her that way.
"Magmamahal ka na nga lang, babaeng suicidal pa," he says and I hit my brother on the head. He winces in pain. "Aray ko, tangina mo."
"Wag kang gago."
"Back at ya, bro," he grins, slapping me upside on the head. "Wag ka ding gago. Balikan mo."
"Ang bobo mo din, ano?" Dan continues as he pops open another can, the foam oozing out from the lip. "Kung kelan kelangan ka niya, saka mo naman siya tatakbuhan."
"I don't know how to deal with it, okay? I still check up on her. Tumatawag naman ako, pero ayaw ako sagutin."
"Eh buti nagrereply sa email at text mo. Siguro para masigurado mong buhay pa siya 'no?"
"Tangina mo Dan. Tangina mo lang talaga."
Dan chuckles quietly, leaning forward on the railings of the balcony. "Alden, alam mo... you've changed. Siguro, di ko inaasahan na magkakagusto ka sa babaeng tulad ni... what's her name, Maine? But then, you've always been different. Sabi nga nila, ang laki ng puso mo para sa isang taong tarantadong tulad mo."
I shake my head in disbelief. "Thanks? I guess."
"No, but seriously," Dan punches me on the shoulder and I look up at him. "Go back to her. She might be a little bit crazy, but if you think she's worth it, you fight for it."
"Pano? Ni hindi ko nga siya kayang i-save sa sarili niya eh."
"Eh hindi mo naman kasi trabaho yun," he says thoughtfully. "Trabaho niya yon. Andyan ka lang para tulungan siya."
My phone beeps and it's a message from Maine. I sent her one hours ago but she only replied now.
I miss you.
I look up at my brother and smile.
