Maine has been acting a little distant lately. She usually goes out with her friends or her sisters. She asks me if she could go and I always say yes. She doesn't invite me. It's okay, I mean, I haven't really been feeling myself lately.
Last week, she went out with her friends. She told me she wanted to unwind because she's been feeling really exhausted. I guess what she meant was she's exhausted from all the sex we were having and she's exhausted because all pregnancy tests came back negative. Another month has passed and we still didn't conceive.
"Love, pag di ba tayo nagkaanak, mamahalin mo pa rin ako?" This was her question last week. I didn't know where that came from but I knew I had to reassure her.
"I will love you kahit anong mangyari. Kahit di tayo magkaanak, di mababago ang love ko para sayo. Ikaw ang pinakamamahal kong tao sa mundo and nothing can change that." I caressed her cheek then held her hand as I said those things. She smiled then said I love you back. The next thing I know, she was riding me on the couch. An hour after that, she was telling me that she'll be going out with her sisters.
Earlier this morning, she entered the shower while I was in it and told me that she'd be meeting her sisters without me. I just said okay and one thing led to another with us ending up doing it on the bathroom floor. I know. We were doing it anywhere we can, anytime we can. The doctor said it's not as effective but who cares. We both wanted a baby and we'll keep trying.
As soon as she left, I buried myself under our bedsheets and pillows. I haven't felt like this in a very long time. "Ma, I can't go through this again." A tear fell from my eye. "Parang ganito yung naramdaman ko nung nawala ka. Hindi ko nanaman kakayanin." I was on the verge of breaking down. I was losing hope.
All the thoughts running on my mind was getting me closer to the depressive state that I was in when my mom passed. "Paano pag di kami magkaanak? Paano pag di kami makabuo? Paano pag ayaw niya mag-ampon? Iiwan ba niya ko pag di kami nagkaanak? Matatanggap pa ba niya ako pag di kami nagkaanak?"
The continuous bout of negative what ifs were overwhelming. I was crying. I couldn't help it. I didn't realize that I was lying on the bed and crying for more than an hour. I needed to get out.
I grabbed my keys and drove. I needed to go to my happy place. I needed to alleviate the anxiety that I was feeling. I needed to avoid this cycle that I'm about to fall into. I needed to hope again.
I went to Taal Vista. It wasn't as high as the mountains that relax me, but it will do. I just needed to clear my head. I was thankful that there were not much people around.
The fog enveloped the surroundings. The visibility was decreasing gradually. That's when I remembered what my mom used to tell me. "Anak, negativity is like a curse. It's not the power of the curse but the power you give the curse. Lagi mong tatandaan yan. Kapag ang nega inisip mo na mangyayari, mangyayari talaga yan. Don't give it the satisfaction of consuming you."
Tears were falling from my eyes. I knew what I have to do.
