Maine
Dear you,
I know you don't know me that well, but the words you say flow like the thoughts inside my head. There are probably a hundred reasons for me not to trust you because I could never trust myself, but you make me feel like it's high time to life to the fullest.
It scares me that you make me feel this way.
I haven't felt alive in a long time. I need pain to make myself feel like I'm breathing because there are days when I don't even understand myself. I need to feel the hurt inside because all my emotions feel like they're drowning me and there is no one who could save me.
I'm sorry I'm a mess. I've been holding on to life for so long, grasping at the smallest things just so I can hold on to being alive. I guess it's like climbing a wall–you try to hold on to whatever you can and you try to hang on, hoping you won't fall.
There is this thing–it's the darkness. I've been living in it for a while and it's so hard to breathe when I'm in it. It's consuming me, so much so that I sometimes think it's better to go with it. That was my mindset, up until you came.
You and your annoying ways, with the kindest brown eyes I've ever seen. I don't think anybody has looked at me that way you have and it makes me feel like myself again every time you do.
I'm sorry if I hurt you, and will hurt you. There are times when I feel like everything is too much and I can't deal with it. I'm sorry if I don't run for you because there are times when I think I should spare you from crazy old me.
You make me happy; I hope you know that by now. But sometimes, the sadness is a better friend than happiness.
- Maine
Alden
My friendship with Maine is getting stronger every day. My love for her is taking over my head and my heart and I'm not quite sure how long I can keep this from her.
I brought her out to Tagaytay on one of our random trips together. She just jumped in the car and told me to drive anywhere the car would take us. I absolutely have no idea where to go, but I drove off, following signs and getting off exits with no specific destination in mind.
It was pretty amazing.
The sun is setting, the sky bathed in a multitude of colors. We don't have a blanket or anything, but we've both laid down on the grass, watching the sun set before us.
"Tell me something I don't know," she says and I turn my head to look at her. She's looking up at the sky, her hair blowing lightly against the wind and she looks absolutely breathtaking. "Gusto ko yung talagang hindi ko alam. Kahit mababaw, ganon."
"Wala pa akong nababasa na kahit isang libro ng Harry Potter."
Her eyes widen in surprise as she lifts herself up on her elbows, looking incredulously at me.
"Weh, seryoso?"
"Oo nga!"
"Kahit nung bata ka pa hindi mo binasa? Movie? Pinanood mo ba?"
"Hindi din."
She sits up completely and stares at me. "Parang ayoko maniwala. Everyone I know has read or watched Harry Potter at least once in their life."
"Eh," I shrug nonchalantly. "There's always a first time for everything, di ba? O eh di ako yun, first person na kilala mo na hindi pa nakakabasa ng Harry Potter."
"Complete ako nung books, nasa condo lang yun. Papahiram ko sa 'yo."
It amuses me when she gets agitated like this. Maine's the type to not care about a lot of things so it makes me happy to know that she can get passionate about things like Harry Potter–even if it isn't really in the course of my interest. Her small fist collides with my arm and I look at her disbelievingly.
"Mamaya, kunin mo sa condo yung books ha? Basahin mo."
"Mukha bang ako yung type ng tao na magbabasa tungkol sa magician?"
"HINDI SYA MAGICIAN OKAY? HARRY'S A WIZARD!"
"O eh di wizard! Ano, kamukha nung nasa Enchanted Kingdom?"
"OH MY GOD," her face flushes a deep red and I laugh, struggling to contain myself from pinching her out of cuteness. I'm just happy we got to do this, even if it took me countless hours of begging on the phone and a dozen or so mugs of coffee.
She looks so happy and she looked like a girl who lived her life without the pain. I want her to be this–to always be like this, to be the girl that smiles at the little things and not the girl who wants to burden herself with her pain.
"I love you."
The words spill from my lips without abandon and it takes a little bit of time before she finally understood what I just said. Maine pulled her hands away, but I held on, imploring her to look at me.
"Wait, Maine," my fingers trace the faint silvery marks on her arm as I look at her, begging her to understand. She drops her chin and I reach up, lifting it to force her to look at me. "Maine."
I know her fears and there is nothing that I wouldn't give to take it all away. I cup her cheek in my hand and I hope that she'll understand.
"Maine, I'm not asking you to do the same, okay? Pero gusto ko lang malaman mo–I love you. And I know that love isn't safe. It never is and it will never be. It's a storm–it's raging and uncontrollable and I know, I know that it scares you. I know it scares you that if you find yourself loving another person, someone or something will take them away from you."
"Alden, please..."
"Alam mo Maine, mamahalin pa din kita, kahit ano pa ang sabihin mo," I say as I wipe the tears from her cheeks. "Are you happy?"
She nods softly. "Oo, masaya."
"Then let me make you happy. Let me keep you that way."
