The Pessimistic Optimist Bella - Entry 44
November 16, 2015
Hi. It's been over 9 months since I've written an entry for this blog but I just needed time to gather myself. I've been through a lot lately, and to say it's overwhelming is an understatement.
This blog has been more than just a place for me to express my innermost thoughts and feelings; it's where I can be myself. No pretentions, no masks, just me. Although this is a private blog, I want to be able to be honest with myself. God knows that for the longest time, I yearned to write again, so I'd be able to be back to my old self. But I guess I just couldn't find the strength to face the realities I have in front of me. So, here goes nothing.
I was raped.
It was my 20th birthday and Rj was supposed to pick me up from my apartment so we could see a concert. When I heard a car pull up in the driveway I thought it was him, but boy was I wrong. I was busy getting ready inside the bathroom and I heard footsteps. I thought it was Rj, but when I turned around, it was another man. It was a stranger.
I remember his face vividly, especially the way he smirked when he was walking towards me. Just thinking about it gives me chills. He threw me around, and I gained wounds, bruises and broken bones. Then, he raped me. Violently. My body was weak but my mind was fully awake. I remember being so helpless, but still hoping that everything was just a bad dream, that after it was over, I will wake up like nothing happened. To my dismay, everything was fucking real.
At one point, I wished he would just kill me, just so the suffering would end. But he didn't. He prolonged the agony and pain. I felt like every nerve cell in my body was going haywire. And then when everything went black, I was glad, thinking that maybe God put me out of my misery, but little did I know, it was just the beginning.
My rapist was caught 3 days after the attack. He's in jail now and serving time. I never really knew why he did what he did. Good thing I wasn't obliged to face him in court, and thankfully, the evidence obtained was enough to convict him. Rj testified, because he witnessed the last part of the attack. Rj and I weren't able to talk about it. I guess he chose to just keep it to himself, to spare me from added trauma.
Days after I got out of the hospital, I began the road to recovery. I took physical and psychological therapies like the doctor advised. I was strict about it, never missing a single doctor's appointment. I wanted to recover as soon as possible and put everything behind me, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't.
Whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I am disgusted. I see the scars of the girl who was raped and nothing else. That's why I hate looking at my reflection, because I loathe what I see. This is not the girl I want to be.
Sometimes, I'd wake up in the wee hours of the morning, screaming and bawling my eyes out. I could still feel his breath on my skin, his violent touches, every lash, punch, slap and kick. I could still hear every cackle and every single fucking word he uttered like it was just yesterday. His face is still plastered inside my head, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot escape him.
I want to be free. I want to be able to sleep at night knowing that I'm safe and secure. I want to end the nightmares, the overflowing tears, the pain and self-pity. I want to move on, to carry on with my life knowing that I was able to overcome the trauma that happened to me.
Ever since my friends knew about what happened, they look at me like I'm going to break any time. Rj does that too. He treats me like I'm incapable of doing things on my own. He even moved in and made me quit my job. I'm now cooped up in our apartment for 9 fucking months, with nothing to do but wallow in my own pool of self-pity.
The only silver lining in my situation is that my parents were able to patch things up. It turns out, the baby that my dad's mistress was carrying wasn't even his. I think that since they spent more time together in helping me with my recovery, they were able to talk. My mother, being the soft-hearted person she is, accepted my dad again. I am truly and sincerely happy for them.
Well, I guess, no matter what happens now, I just have to deal with it. I don't have any other choice.
-mainedcm
--
"Love, how are you feeling?" Rj arrived home at exactly 6pm. He discovered Maine under the covers, staring at the ceiling.
"I'm okay, love. Just tired from being in bed all day."
"Nakatulog ka ba?"
"Hindi masyado. Saka honestly, ayoko nang matulog. Gutom ka ba? Pagluto kita." Maine stood up from the bed to go to the kitchen but Rj grabbed her hand before she could.
"Hindi na, Maine. Ako na magluluto. Pahinga ka lang muna dyan."
"Ano ba, Rj. Ayoko na ngang magpahinga. Hayaan mo naman akong gumawa dito sa bahay oh. Wala akong ibang ginawa kundi kumain, matulog, manood ng tv."
"Pero-"
"Ayan ka nanaman eh."
"Bakit, love?"
"Ilang beses ko bang sasabihin sayo Rj, kaya ko. Kaya ko ang sarili ko." She rolled her eyes and shook her head. Honestly, she'd had enough of the pity party.
"Pero bak-"
"Baka ano nanaman?! It's been 9 months, Rj. Magaling na ako. Okay na ako."
"Hindi, Maine. Hindi ka pa okay."
"Tangina naman eh! Sabi nang okay ako! Kaya ko, okay?"
"Maine, inaalala lang kita-"
"I know, but it's too much. I hate being alone here doing nothing. Hindi naman ako baldado, Rj. I can walk, see? Matagal na gumaling yung bali ko sa binti pati yung mga sugat at pasa ko. Para ngang walang nagyari eh. I can still function like a normal human being. You don't have to babysit me." Frustrated, she let out a deep sigh, turning her back on him.
"Alam ko naman yun, Maine. Pero kasi-" He walked closer and gently placed his hand or her shoulder but she quickly shrugged it off.
"Ano?! Let's get things straight here, Rj. I was raped." The tears she was doing her best to hold back finally fell from her eyes. "Was. Past tense. Nangyari na yun at hindi ko na maibabalik pa yung buhay ko dati. We have to face that reality. But that doesn't mean that you should treat me like I'm some kind of fragile little flower that at the slightest touch, will disintegrate. You, of all people, know that I'm not like that."
"But I can't, Maine. I can't look at you and not see the things that man did to you. All I see is pain, and hurt, and I..I just want to make it all go away. Gusto kong alisin lahat ng yun." He frowned as tears started to fall from his eyes as well.
"Pero Rj, paano naman ako makakamove on kung ganyan ang trato mo sa akin? I know you mean well but hindi ito yung solusyon. Gusto ko mawala nang lahat ng bangungot na to, pero paano ko magagawa yun kung sa trato mo sa akin pinapaalala mo yung nangyari?"
"I'm sorry, Maine. I'm sorry. Hindi ko kasi kayang nakikita kang ganyan. Bakit ba kasi hindi ako dumating ng mas maaga. Siguro kung hindi ako nag-overtime hindi ito mangyayari sayo. Fuck! Tanginang lalaking yun. Mapapatay ko siya sa ginawa niya sayo!" Frustrated, but mostly angry at himself, he punched the wall until his knuckles bruised.
"Stop, Rj. Please stop. Stop blaming yourself. It's not your faul-" Maine was quick to stop him from further hurting himself.
"It is my fault! Kasalanan ko to eh. Kundi dahil sakin, siguro masaya ka ngayon. Patawarin mo ko, Maine. Patawarin mo ko.." He broke down, kneeling on the floor and placing his head between his hands.
"Ssssh. Rj. It's okay. I'm okay. Kaya ko to. Kaya natin to. Just please, let me heal. Allow me to heal." Maine comforted him, holding him in her arms as she buried her face in his hair.
"I love you, Maine. I love you so much." Holding out his hands, he reached out to touch her cheeks and placed his forehead on hers, as their gazes met, tears still falling from their eyes.
"I know, Rj. I love you too.
