Breathless (Book 1&2)

Breathless #49

Breathless #49
Noreen

"It's your turn." Bulong sa akin ni Ron matapos mahinang tapikin ang balikat ko. I looked at him bago tumango. "Kaya mo ba?" may pag-aalalang tanong niya "Namumutla ka, do you want me to-" agad akong umiling dahilan para huminto siya sa pagsasalita. Tumango na lang siya sa akin saka saglit na ngumiti. Tumayo ako saka naglakad patungo sa harapan.

Today is Daddy's last day. I took a glance on the piece of paper where my eulogy for Dad was written. Ilang beses akong napalunok at napatingin sa harap matapos titigan iyon. Nakita ko si Mommy na walang tigil sa pag-iyak. Andon din ang iba naming kamag-anak na hindi ko alam kung nasaan habang naghihirap si Daddy. Ilang business men na colleagues ni Dad ang nakita ko rin, meron din kaming pinayagan na kaunting media.

Ramdam ko ang pamamaga ng dalawang mata ko dahil sa walang tigil na kakaiyak. Mahapdi, masakit tulad nang nararamdaman ko ngayon dito sa aking dibdib. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate, for this is the last time and last chance na masasabi ko sa lahat kung gaano ko kamahal si Daddy.

"I can't remember the last time we had dinner together." Simula ko "I can't even remember when was the last time he praised me. I can't remember when was the last time he hugged and kissed me, good night. I can't remember when was the last time he asked me about school." Ngumiti ako ng mapait "I don't remember at all." Dugtong ko.

"Dad was workaholic, same with Mom. Lumaki ako na nakukuha lahat ng gusto ko except for one thing, yun ang time nila. I am an only child, but I thought before that, I will never afford to have their time. Sobrang busy nila sa trabaho. I am saying these not because I hate them. I am saying these because despite all the time we missed, all the time we skipped, I am still thankful that they became my parents. I am still thankful, that He gave me him as my father.

Unlike other kids, wala akong solid na memories with him. Unlike other kids, I don't have lots of shared moments with him. Nasanay ako at pinabayaan ko ang sarili ko na lumaking malayo ang loob sa kanila. Naging pasaway, naging matigas ang ulo." I looked away matapos maramdaman ang pamamasa ulit ng magkabilang kong mga mata "Akala ko, yung araw na nalaman ko na wala na siya, magiging madali lang ang lahat. Na matatanggap ko lang agad, na parang sinabi lang ng Yaya ko na hindi siya makakauwi ng matagal dahil meron siyang business trip abroad." I wiped my left eye matapos makawala ang ilang luha.

"Pero nagkamali ako. I missed you Dad. I m-miss you terribly and you don't know how many times I prayed na ibalik ka Niya sa amin. I want to see you, I want t-to hug you and ulit-ulitin na sabihin kung gaano kita kamahal at kung gaano ako ka-proud na ikaw ang naging Daddy ko.

H-How I regret those times na nilayo ko ang loob ko sa inyo. How I regret t-those times na sinasagot-sagot kita at hindi sinusunod. H-How I regret those times na hindi ako nakikinig. H-How I regret those times na hinayaan kong palipasin ang gabi na hindi ko kayo nakikita. I'm s-sorry Dad, I'm really sorry..."

I covered my face matapos mapahagulgol sa harap. Lumapit si Ron para aluhin ako but I tried my best to continue speaking.

"You're not a perfect father but for me, you were the best. At kahit ano pang pagkakamali ang nagawa mo, I know you don't mean to cause trouble sa amin ni Mommy and I know at the very last moment, alam ko, a-alam ko na kami parin ang iniisip mo and I love and thank you for that." I tried to smile and looked at his coffin "D-Dad, I promise to be strong for Mom. I promise not to leave her and I'll do anything for this family na pinaghirapan niyong mabuo kaya d-don't worry. Y-You don't have to worry about us, a-ako na ang bahala. You can rest in peace, y-you can now rest in peace..."

----------

Hindi ko alam kung ilang tao na ang lumapit sa akin para ipaabot ang kanilang pakikisimpatya. Tulala ako at alam ko sa sarili ko na kung hindi sa pag-aalalay sa akin ni Ron, hindi ako makakatayo ng husto. Mommy is busy entertaining other people. Wala pa din siyang pahinga at kitang kita na ang malaking eye bags niya. Simula kasi ng burol ni Dad, hindi na rin siya nakakatulog, isa-dalawang oras, maswerte na kung makakatulog siya ng tatlo oras.